Sweet Dude Week in Review: January 6, 2018

Happy new year! I hope you’ve cleaned the caked-on horse cum off your face, because we’ve got quite a recap to cover this week.

Starting with the big news, the Sierra Madre Pig Cock Tattler piled onto the insane “Portantino writes the Sweet Dude blog” conspiracy bandwagon by writing this brazen, poorly researched article before cowering in fear after I issued a completely sensible challenge asking them to integrate certain facts into their wild, crazed theory. This, of course, came after Jarvis completely obliterated the Tattler and Burbank Blogger in an epic annihilation of their pathetic efforts at political journalism.

I mean, just look at this pussy-ass response to my challenge:

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Yeah. I think we’ve given these pathetic retards enough time and attention for now. They’ll inevitably be back with another round of wild accusations, but until then, we’re perfectly content to publish a fresh round of Anthony Portantino fat jokes.

Oh, wait. We aren’t. Or are we? I can’t tell anymore. Check back next week. We’ll likely have figured it out by then.

In other news, we finally got around to reporting on Portantino’s vicious but no-longer-relevant slight of Mike Gatto during an Armenian genocide memorial. “Better late than never,” Jarvis and Daulton agree as they pass a massive blunt back and forth. It also turned out that Portantino’s portliness may also have been linked to the sudden and mysterious closure of a beloved Cedar Rapids all-you-can-eat buffet, and we also broke a groundbreaking story about turds that look like cocks and balls.

This is likely the last round of Portantino hate we’re going to be publishing for a while, so I hope you got your fix. Even if you didn’t, you can always go suck a horse cock to take your mind off it.

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This man is fat. You heard it here first.

In the meantime, we’re going to move forward with a fresh round of entertaining and insightful political commentary that has nothing to do with Anthony Portantino (and little to do with Mike Gatto) until the Pig Fucker Tattler and Burbank Blogger reload.

Strap in. It’s going to be a long road to the 2022 California Lieutenant-Governor election.

 

 

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Sweet Dude Search Terms Report: Q4 2017

It’s time once again for my favorite of all recaps: our quarterly review of the search terms Internetters used to find our super sweet blog.

Here were Q4 2017’s top search terms:

  • squeeze testicles to increase penis
  • can squeezing your balls make your dick grow
  • race for treasurer california 2017
  • race for treasurer california 2017 “fiona ma” (I am personally quite pleased that we ranked well enough for these search terms to draw readers — look out in 2022!)
  • downy ball
  • can your penis grow if u squeeze tecicles (spelling errors not corrected)
  • squeezing balls to increase penis size
  • micro pen for double chin (it’s actually for people who want to try to get high only to be unable to because it’s such a piece of shit, but okay)
  • G Pen sux (it sure does)
  • pig sex gif (we don’t have one, but I wish we did)

In case you’re wondering: no, squeezing your balls will NOT increase your penis size. Also, Mike Gatto dropped out of the State Treasurer race, so we did too. And the Micro G Pen by Grenco Science fucking sucks.

See you in Q1 2018!

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OPINION: Anthony Portantino Meets the Medical Definition of Obese and Therefore Is a Fat Fuck

Jarvis never fails to bait me in just such a way that I simply have to interrupt my Percocet and game show marathon to actually put down my spliff long enough to fire off a blog post.

The recently published article “Honestly, Anthony Portantino Isn’t That Fat” was an honest and open critique of our own questionable treatment of Portantino and his obvious portliness. Now, the article covers some fair points — chief among them that Anthony Portantino, from a relative standpoint, isn’t that fat.

That may be true. This is America, after all, land of the all-you-can-eat Sizzler buffet. You see dudes like this all over the place:

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So sure, by that measure, Anthony Portantino isn’t that fat. But I feel compelled to point out that from an objective standpoint, Antony Portantino actually is pretty fucking fat. In fact, I have little doubt he meets the medical definition of obesity. And I mean, just look at all these fucking chins:

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But for my money, the heart of the issue isn’t whether or not Anthony Portantino is actually that fat. The issue is whether or not Anthony Portantino deserves to be mercilessly mocked solely on the basis of being an objectively obese tub of piggy lard. And on this point, I fully agree with Jarvis. It isn’t in the interest of journalistic integrity to continue raking Porkertino over the coals over and over for being such a slovenly, double-chinned pork chop. And as tirelessly hilarious as our ongoing Glendale Sizzler/carpet warehouse joke has proven to be, it doesn’t realistically accomplish anything other than making us chuckle when we’re stoned, least of all now that Anthony Portantino and Mike Gatto are no longer open political adversaries.

Jarvis is also right to point out that Anthony Portantino doesn’t really matter to us anymore and shouldn’t be dominating the content of our blog to this degree. So let’s just let the Tattler go back to being a pig-fucking shit rag and let’s let the Burbank Blogger waste away amid the empty pizza boxes and sticky jizzy Kleenexes around the computer in his mom’s basement.

The douche from the Tattler is right: life’s too short for this bullshit. After all this pile of weed isn’t going to smoke itself any more than my dick is going to suck itself.

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9 Turds That Look Like Dicks

In my recent article about State Senator Anthony Portantino’s alleged use of an Armenian genocide memorial event to throw shade at Mike Gatto, I posted a picture of a turd that looked like a dick.  That got me thinking… turds that look like dicks are so sweet.  But looking for turds that look like dicks can be a tedious, time-consuming chore!  That’s why the sweet dudes at Mike Gatto is a Sweet Dude have created this picture gallery of turds that look like dicks.  Enjoy!!!  And don’t forget to vote for Mike Gatto in the race for California Lt. Governor… coming 2022.

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Did Anthony Portantino Use an Armenian Genocide Memorial Event to Throw Shade at Mike Gatto?

Well, fuck.  Despite our best efforts to unearth every shred of news related to Mike Gatto, sometimes important news slips through the cracks.  Life is busy and we smoke a ton of weed, so forgive us.  While perusing the comments section of the Serra Madre Tattler’s recent conspiracy peddling article about our site, I came across an uncharacteristically coherent post.  Following something identified as a “hyperlink,” I was able to glean access to an Armenian activist blog calling itself The Truth Must Be Told.  Along with a lot of extremely juicy allegations against Anthony Portantino that we’ll certainly detail in later posts, there’s one lurid mention of Mike Gatto too.

So as we all know, Mike Gatto and Anthony Portantino both hate each other.  But they both represent (or represented) communities with large Armenian constituencies.  In the case of Mike Gatto, he humbly informed himself on the proud history and culture of the Armenian people, leading him to spearhead some extremely noble legislative efforts, even earning a personal commendation from the President of Armenia.  On the other hand, Anthony Portantino has a reputation for shameless pandering.

According to the journalists at The Truth Must Be Told, Portantino used his role in planning an event to honor the Armenian genocide to air his petty grievances against Mike Gatto in the shittiest and most passive-aggressive way.  At issue was an event billed as the Armenian Genocide Memorial Ground Blessing,  In advance of the new Pasadena memorial’s construction, community VIP’s gathered for prayers.  By the looks of the videos I found on YouTube, it was a solemn and moving event.

But according to allegations made on the Truth Must Be Told blog, Portantino tried to trick Mike Gatto and another rival politician into missing the event, which could have been a an extremely embarrassing political faux-pax.

In preparation of the Armenian Genocide Memorial Ground Blessing event, which took place on April 27, 2014, Portantino suggested that he mail the invitations and Paparian handle the RSVPs. Having sent invitations to public officials living as far away as Glendale, Portantino had left out Jacque Robinson, Vice Mayor of the City of Pasadena. And although a number of officials from Burbank were also invited, Assembly Member Mike Gatto, received no invitations. Both happen to be Portantino’s opponents in the race for California State Senate.

Despite having received no official invitation, Vice Mayor Jacque Robinson was present thanks to the PAGMC’s Facebook event announcement. And though Mike Gatto was absent, his field representative, Mary Manoukian, attended the event. Paparian included their names in the VIP list and gave it to Portantino a couple of days prior to the event to make sure they were introduced by Dickran Tevrizian, retired Federal Judge for the Central District of California, who was going to be the Master of Ceremonies. However, at the ground blessing event, strangely, their names were not announced, and Paparian had to hand their business cards to Judge Tevrizian who then acknowledged them.

Are these shocking allegations true?  There’s probably no way we’ll ever know… unless of course someone does some actual investigating and reporting.  But we’re not a newspaper; we’re a blog. Personally, I wouldn’t be surprised though.  Portantino seems like a real turd.

This turd that looks like a dick is a perfect genetic clone of Anthony Portantino.

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Honestly, Anthony Portantino Isn’t Really That Fat

As the Internet’s first and foremost Mike Gatto fansite, we have a certain responsibility to defend our favorite politician from his critics.  At times, we willfully engage those critics with a level of juvenile bombast that was totally outside the boundaries of political discourse before Donald Trump arrived.  So when the rivalry between Mike Gatto and Anthony Portantino finally reached our newsroom, we quickly adopted the early and obvious position that Portantino was a fat ass.  Over the ensuing years, we’ve not only held the line but continually raised the bar by finding new and creative ways to overstate Anthony Portantino’s fatness for comedic effect.  It’s been fun for us and hopefully cathartic for Mike Gatto, but in the interest of journalistic integrity, it’s probably worth taking a moment to remind ourselves that Anthony Portantino really isn’t that fat.

That’s not to say he isn’t fat.  He is.  That’s obvious.  But the tenor of our rhetoric has become so hyperbolic that readers of our site would probably expect him to weight 800 pounds and shit himself because he’s too fat to get out of bed.  That’s obviously not the case.  Look at these pictures.  Yeah, he’s fat.  But he’s also old.  For an old guy, he’s really not that fat.

I can easily imagine Daulton’s outrage upon reading this editorial.  And I can also imagine him furiously pounding out his own editorial in reply.  So I’ll spare us all the time and point out that there are plenty of other pictures that make Portantino look waaaaaaay fatter than those flattering ones I cherry-picked.

So clearly there are some flattering pictures and some less-than-flattering pictures of Anthony Portantino.  In that respect, I think it makes him no different than Fiona Ma or anyone else on the planet.   Why do I feel the need to make this distinction?  Maybe I worry about our journalistic integrity from time to time.  Maybe I don’t want our role as entertainers to eclipse our role as journalists.  Maybe in a post-Trump media landscape, words like “fairness” and “balance” and “fake” only have satirical value anyways.

Whatever the reason, I also felt a similar compulsion to write an editorial explaining that, despite our comic amusement with concept of beastiality, we don’t actually want any of our readers to suck dog dicks.  And also in the case of Portantino, I’m starting to feel like we’re being willing trolled into mocking him by a couple of dumbass, low-rent blogs who have been circulating a too-stupid-to-believe conspiracy theory that Anthony Portantino himself is secretly writing this blog.  But Mike Gatto and Anthony Portantino aren’t running against each other.  So I guess I technically don’t give a fuck about him anymore.  So why am I continuing to churn out articles mocking his weight to such an exagerated degree?  Ask the Burbank Blogger and the Sierra Madre Tattler.

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Cedar Rapids Buffet Mysteriously Closes, Possibly Due to Anthony Portantino

Shocking news out of Cedar Rapids, where a beloved all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant suddenly and permanently closed, shocking employees and customers alike.   Ryan’s Family Steakhouse had been a local institution for more than a quarter century, but mysteriously decided to shutdown its operation a few months ago, possibly due to the looming threat of California State Senator Anthony Portantino, who is extremely fat.

According to a story at KCRG TV-9, employees were only given a few hours notice that the buffet would be closing.  Apparently some employees weren’t notified and reported to work the next day, only to find a sign on the locked doors informing them Ryans was no more.  Approximately 30 employees lost their jobs.

What a shitty way to lose a shitty job.

The Cedar Rapids Ryan’s briefly closed its doors in the mid 2000’s, but that was part of a planned renovation.  This closure appears to be permanent, as the building’s owners have already begun the search for a new tenant.

Though business had slumped in the last few years, employee Karen Phelps thought Ryan’s worst days were behind it. “Everything was picking back up–getting busier… and this literally was out of the blue,” she said to KCRG.

Though speculation is rampant, most insiders seem to agree that the buffet’s sudden closure is probably related to Anthony Portantino, a comically corpulent California legislator who developed a reputation for shutting down buffets all over his native state by eating all their food, bankrupting their business model, and driving away all their customers.   It’s highly likely that an executive with the Ryan’s Family Steakhouse Corporation learned of an impending visit to Cedar Rapids by Portantino and in the face of such an apocalyptic threat, decided to preemptively close their buffet.

Obviously, we have no proof of this.  But in light of recent accusations that our site is authored by Anthony Portantino, I feel the need to debunk that conspiracy by making jokes that Anthony Portantino would never make about himself.

WARNING:  If you put a microphone on a buffet, Anthony Portantino will try to eat it.

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