For the last couple of years, a bizarre conspiracy theory has been making the rounds amongst anti-Gatto sites. Despite all evidence and logic, a few weird political blogs have latched onto the idea that our esteemed site is actually authored by Anthony Portantino, Mike Gatto’s on-again-off-again political nemesis. Despite our hilarious past articles debunking this kooky theory, the Sacramento Tattler recently dredged up the same tired, easily disproven accusations. It hardly seems credible that Team Portantino would invest the many thousands of hours necessary to create this site’s stellar content, much of which gleefully mocks Anthony Portantino for being a fat piece of shit who sucks. Okay, even if you believe that Portantino would spend a decade writing a fansite for someone he doesn’t actually like, why would he go so far as insult himself to such an extreme degree? W’ve said really mean and hurtful things about Portantino that I simply refuse to believe he would be willing to say about himself. So in case you’ve forgotten, here are nine examples of our site’s mockery of Anthony Portantino that are so extreme and so cutting that there’s no way he could have written it himself.
9. That Time I Inferred a Bunch of Negative Qualities About His Personality Based on His Weight
There are a lot of reasons people can suffer from morbid obesity, including but not limited to diet and exercise. Genetic predispositions and even serious medical conditions can contribute to excessive weight gain. Of course, we exhibited none of that sensitivity in our 2014 editorial Anthony Portantino is a Fat Doo Doo Turd. In fact, we attempted to draw all manner of hurtful conclusions about Portantino’s value as a human based on nothing more than his fatness:
“Just looking at the guy you can clearly see that he has no self-control, exercises poor judgement, and has a total disregard for health and safety. Is this really the kind of person we want representing us in Sacramento?”
8. Forging a Video of Portantino Shitting His Pants on Live TV
Two years ago our site was subjected to similar allegations from the Burbank Blogger, who claimed that our jokes about Portantino weren’t as mean as our jokes about other politicians, thereby proving theory that Portantino was behind our site. In an attempt to disprove this theory, I made this hilarious video of Portantino appearing to shit his pants on live TV.
7. Calling him a ‘Lying Scumbag’ For Lying About Endorsements
In May 2015 it seemed like the conflict between Portantino and Gatto was about to explode into public during the primary for a stupid State Senate seat. As part of our PR assault on the Portantino campaign, we published an eye-opening piece on how Portantino apparently faked and lied about a bunch of political endorsements and bumbled through a bunch of bullshit excuses before finally sending his lawyers to try and silence the blog who first exposed the story.
6. My Blistering Critique of His Shitty Public Access Show
In late 2015, I stumbled upon some amateurish online public affairs program hosted and produced by Anthony Portantino. My scathing review contained no spoilers.
Apparently Anthony Portantino produces and hosts a public access show where he interviews boring assholes while being fat. I can’t believe the Democratic Party is going to allow a fat dullard like this to sully a candidate of national, generational potential like Mike Gatto in a prolonged and unnecessary primary. People don’t vote with their brains… the vote with their dicks and clits. And what dickclit would vote for this fat fuck?
5. Suggesting His Ass Was Fat Enough to Smuggle Bowling Trophies
In my satirical listicle 11 Bowling Trophies Anthony Portantino Could Hide in his Butt, I ventured a guess as to how many bowling trophies Anthony Portantino could hide in his butt. Final answer: 11.
In addition to making fun of Anthony Portantino, I also got to spend some time googling bowling trophies.
4. Our Podcast Takedown of Team Portantino
In our 2017 podcast special entitled “Mayor Sam Sucks 2 Dicks and 4 Balls,” we lit into Anthony Portantino, improvising a now classic bit about how when he tries to visit the Glendale Sizzler, they lock all the doors and close all the windows and pretend to be a carpet warehouse until he goes away. We also hilarious mocked Portantino’s buddies Trent Hager for showing up in the Ashley Madison hack, and Adran Nazarain, who we officially nicknamed ‘Dildo AssMouth. It’s also worth pointing out that the existence of this podcast itself seems to debunk the entire conspiracy theory that Anthony Portantino is behind our site. Are we to believe that he wrote out scripts for hours of podcasts that largely have nothing to do with politics and hired voice actors to very convincingly play the role of two stoners who think dog dicks are hilarious?
3. Producing #FakeNews About Anthony Portantino Farting
As a fat guy myself, I’m acutely aware of the unfair stereotype that fat guys are always farting. Correctly or incorrectly, our site played upon this stereotype when produced a fake news video in which, through deceptive editing practices, we made it seem as if Anthony Portantino blew ass during numerous TV appearances. We even found a clip of him talking about how his neighbor’s kid beat leukemia… and used it as the set-up for a dumb fart joke. Can you honestly imagine Anthony Portantino doing this to himself? It’s total fucking insanity. Like Pizzagate/Birther level crazy.
2. 8 Inanimate Objects That Remind Jarvis Mitchell of Anthony Portantino
This satirical take on my classic editorial 8 Inanimate Objects that Remind Jarvis Mitchell of Mike Gatto, I comically compared Portantino’s physical appearance to things like a beachball, a bacon-wrapped truducken, and some large inflatable turds. But perhaps the funniest joke was also the easiest… a tub of lard.
If the conspiracy theories are true, Anthony Porantino, Trent Hager and Douglas Morrow conspired to bring you this brilliant joke.
1. I Exposed the Portantino/Burbank Blogger Conspiracy Theory
After a month of putting out conspiracy theory fires in early 2016, I weaponized the concept and turned it back on the original perpetrators. If you ask me, my conspiracy theory makes far more sense than theirs — which makes it far less likely that Portantino would willingly expose it himself.
As long as we’re dealing in outlandish conspiracy theories, how ’bout this one… what if the Burbank Blogger is actually Anthony Portantino, and by accusing us of being Anthony Portantino, he’s encouraging us to escalate our attacks on him for the sole purpose of being able to play the victim? He’d be using us against ourselves by accusing of us doing the very thing that he’s doing!