OPINION: Anthony Portantino Meets the Medical Definition of Obese and Therefore Is a Fat Fuck

Jarvis never fails to bait me in just such a way that I simply have to interrupt my Percocet and game show marathon to actually put down my spliff long enough to fire off a blog post.

The recently published article “Honestly, Anthony Portantino Isn’t That Fat” was an honest and open critique of our own questionable treatment of Portantino and his obvious portliness. Now, the article covers some fair points — chief among them that Anthony Portantino, from a relative standpoint, isn’t that fat.

That may be true. This is America, after all, land of the all-you-can-eat Sizzler buffet. You see dudes like this all over the place:

fatman-eating-pizza

So sure, by that measure, Anthony Portantino isn’t that fat. But I feel compelled to point out that from an objective standpoint, Antony Portantino actually is pretty fucking fat. In fact, I have little doubt he meets the medical definition of obesity. And I mean, just look at all these fucking chins:

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But for my money, the heart of the issue isn’t whether or not Anthony Portantino is actually that fat. The issue is whether or not Anthony Portantino deserves to be mercilessly mocked solely on the basis of being an objectively obese tub of piggy lard. And on this point, I fully agree with Jarvis. It isn’t in the interest of journalistic integrity to continue raking Porkertino over the coals over and over for being such a slovenly, double-chinned pork chop. And as tirelessly hilarious as our ongoing Glendale Sizzler/carpet warehouse joke has proven to be, it doesn’t realistically accomplish anything other than making us chuckle when we’re stoned, least of all now that Anthony Portantino and Mike Gatto are no longer open political adversaries.

Jarvis is also right to point out that Anthony Portantino doesn’t really matter to us anymore and shouldn’t be dominating the content of our blog to this degree. So let’s just let the Tattler go back to being a pig-fucking shit rag and let’s let the Burbank Blogger waste away amid the empty pizza boxes and sticky jizzy Kleenexes around the computer in his mom’s basement.

The douche from the Tattler is right: life’s too short for this bullshit. After all this pile of weed isn’t going to smoke itself any more than my dick is going to suck itself.

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9 Turds That Look Like Dicks

In my recent article about State Senator Anthony Portantino’s alleged use of an Armenian genocide memorial event to throw shade at Mike Gatto, I posted a picture of a turd that looked like a dick.  That got me thinking… turds that look like dicks are so sweet.  But looking for turds that look like dicks can be a tedious, time-consuming chore!  That’s why the sweet dudes at Mike Gatto is a Sweet Dude have created this picture gallery of turds that look like dicks.  Enjoy!!!  And don’t forget to vote for Mike Gatto in the race for California Lt. Governor… coming 2022.

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Did Anthony Portantino Use an Armenian Genocide Memorial Event to Throw Shade at Mike Gatto?

Well, fuck.  Despite our best efforts to unearth every shred of news related to Mike Gatto, sometimes important news slips through the cracks.  Life is busy and we smoke a ton of weed, so forgive us.  While perusing the comments section of the Serra Madre Tattler’s recent conspiracy peddling article about our site, I came across an uncharacteristically coherent post.  Following something identified as a “hyperlink,” I was able to glean access to an Armenian activist blog calling itself The Truth Must Be Told.  Along with a lot of extremely juicy allegations against Anthony Portantino that we’ll certainly detail in later posts, there’s one lurid mention of Mike Gatto too.

So as we all know, Mike Gatto and Anthony Portantino both hate each other.  But they both represent (or represented) communities with large Armenian constituencies.  In the case of Mike Gatto, he humbly informed himself on the proud history and culture of the Armenian people, leading him to spearhead some extremely noble legislative efforts, even earning a personal commendation from the President of Armenia.  On the other hand, Anthony Portantino has a reputation for shameless pandering.

According to the journalists at The Truth Must Be Told, Portantino used his role in planning an event to honor the Armenian genocide to air his petty grievances against Mike Gatto in the shittiest and most passive-aggressive way.  At issue was an event billed as the Armenian Genocide Memorial Ground Blessing,  In advance of the new Pasadena memorial’s construction, community VIP’s gathered for prayers.  By the looks of the videos I found on YouTube, it was a solemn and moving event.

But according to allegations made on the Truth Must Be Told blog, Portantino tried to trick Mike Gatto and another rival politician into missing the event, which could have been a an extremely embarrassing political faux-pax.

In preparation of the Armenian Genocide Memorial Ground Blessing event, which took place on April 27, 2014, Portantino suggested that he mail the invitations and Paparian handle the RSVPs. Having sent invitations to public officials living as far away as Glendale, Portantino had left out Jacque Robinson, Vice Mayor of the City of Pasadena. And although a number of officials from Burbank were also invited, Assembly Member Mike Gatto, received no invitations. Both happen to be Portantino’s opponents in the race for California State Senate.

Despite having received no official invitation, Vice Mayor Jacque Robinson was present thanks to the PAGMC’s Facebook event announcement. And though Mike Gatto was absent, his field representative, Mary Manoukian, attended the event. Paparian included their names in the VIP list and gave it to Portantino a couple of days prior to the event to make sure they were introduced by Dickran Tevrizian, retired Federal Judge for the Central District of California, who was going to be the Master of Ceremonies. However, at the ground blessing event, strangely, their names were not announced, and Paparian had to hand their business cards to Judge Tevrizian who then acknowledged them.

Are these shocking allegations true?  There’s probably no way we’ll ever know… unless of course someone does some actual investigating and reporting.  But we’re not a newspaper; we’re a blog. Personally, I wouldn’t be surprised though.  Portantino seems like a real turd.

This turd that looks like a dick is a perfect genetic clone of Anthony Portantino.

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Honestly, Anthony Portantino Isn’t Really That Fat

As the Internet’s first and foremost Mike Gatto fansite, we have a certain responsibility to defend our favorite politician from his critics.  At times, we willfully engage those critics with a level of juvenile bombast that was totally outside the boundaries of political discourse before Donald Trump arrived.  So when the rivalry between Mike Gatto and Anthony Portantino finally reached our newsroom, we quickly adopted the early and obvious position that Portantino was a fat ass.  Over the ensuing years, we’ve not only held the line but continually raised the bar by finding new and creative ways to overstate Anthony Portantino’s fatness for comedic effect.  It’s been fun for us and hopefully cathartic for Mike Gatto, but in the interest of journalistic integrity, it’s probably worth taking a moment to remind ourselves that Anthony Portantino really isn’t that fat.

That’s not to say he isn’t fat.  He is.  That’s obvious.  But the tenor of our rhetoric has become so hyperbolic that readers of our site would probably expect him to weight 800 pounds and shit himself because he’s too fat to get out of bed.  That’s obviously not the case.  Look at these pictures.  Yeah, he’s fat.  But he’s also old.  For an old guy, he’s really not that fat.

I can easily imagine Daulton’s outrage upon reading this editorial.  And I can also imagine him furiously pounding out his own editorial in reply.  So I’ll spare us all the time and point out that there are plenty of other pictures that make Portantino look waaaaaaay fatter than those flattering ones I cherry-picked.

So clearly there are some flattering pictures and some less-than-flattering pictures of Anthony Portantino.  In that respect, I think it makes him no different than Fiona Ma or anyone else on the planet.   Why do I feel the need to make this distinction?  Maybe I worry about our journalistic integrity from time to time.  Maybe I don’t want our role as entertainers to eclipse our role as journalists.  Maybe in a post-Trump media landscape, words like “fairness” and “balance” and “fake” only have satirical value anyways.

Whatever the reason, I also felt a similar compulsion to write an editorial explaining that, despite our comic amusement with concept of beastiality, we don’t actually want any of our readers to suck dog dicks.  And also in the case of Portantino, I’m starting to feel like we’re being willing trolled into mocking him by a couple of dumbass, low-rent blogs who have been circulating a too-stupid-to-believe conspiracy theory that Anthony Portantino himself is secretly writing this blog.  But Mike Gatto and Anthony Portantino aren’t running against each other.  So I guess I technically don’t give a fuck about him anymore.  So why am I continuing to churn out articles mocking his weight to such an exagerated degree?  Ask the Burbank Blogger and the Sierra Madre Tattler.

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Cedar Rapids Buffet Mysteriously Closes, Possibly Due to Anthony Portantino

Shocking news out of Cedar Rapids, where a beloved all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant suddenly and permanently closed, shocking employees and customers alike.   Ryan’s Family Steakhouse had been a local institution for more than a quarter century, but mysteriously decided to shutdown its operation a few months ago, possibly due to the looming threat of California State Senator Anthony Portantino, who is extremely fat.

According to a story at KCRG TV-9, employees were only given a few hours notice that the buffet would be closing.  Apparently some employees weren’t notified and reported to work the next day, only to find a sign on the locked doors informing them Ryans was no more.  Approximately 30 employees lost their jobs.

What a shitty way to lose a shitty job.

The Cedar Rapids Ryan’s briefly closed its doors in the mid 2000’s, but that was part of a planned renovation.  This closure appears to be permanent, as the building’s owners have already begun the search for a new tenant.

Though business had slumped in the last few years, employee Karen Phelps thought Ryan’s worst days were behind it. “Everything was picking back up–getting busier… and this literally was out of the blue,” she said to KCRG.

Though speculation is rampant, most insiders seem to agree that the buffet’s sudden closure is probably related to Anthony Portantino, a comically corpulent California legislator who developed a reputation for shutting down buffets all over his native state by eating all their food, bankrupting their business model, and driving away all their customers.   It’s highly likely that an executive with the Ryan’s Family Steakhouse Corporation learned of an impending visit to Cedar Rapids by Portantino and in the face of such an apocalyptic threat, decided to preemptively close their buffet.

Obviously, we have no proof of this.  But in light of recent accusations that our site is authored by Anthony Portantino, I feel the need to debunk that conspiracy by making jokes that Anthony Portantino would never make about himself.

WARNING:  If you put a microphone on a buffet, Anthony Portantino will try to eat it.

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An Open Challenge to the Sierra Madre Tattler, Burbank Blogger, and Anyone Else Who Thinks That Dumb Fat Fuck Anthony Portantino Possesses the Comedic Genius to Author This Site

Jarvis already did an admirable job obliterating the faulty logic of this pathetic smear piece recently published in the Sierra Madre Pig Fucker Tattler, and I’ll endeavor not to repeat the many excellent points he made to the greatest possible degree.

I do, however, wish to issue an earnest, honest, and open challenge to the authors of the Pig Fucker Tattler, the Burbank Blogger, and anyone else who thinks Fat Ass Portantino or one of his operatives has the creative prowess and comedic genius to author a blog as brilliant and visionary as this one. Quite frankly, I find the very insinuation to be an unforgivable insult to our cosmic talent.

On to business.

This challenge consists of one simple directive:

In your next hit piece, make at least a token effort to forward an explanation for one or more of the following facts, which blow gaping holes in your Portantino theories as they are currently formulated:

(a) Our site was established in 2011, several years before Portantino and Gatto ever campaigned against each other.

(b) We cruelly and mercilessly mock Anthony Portantino for being an ineffectual, self-important, fat-ass piece of political dogshit

(c) We are extremely sweet dudes who smoke lots of weed and blog about dog boners

(d) We have recorded and published a series of hilarious podcasts that not only mock Anthony Portantino, but quite clearly confirm that we are, in fact, extremely sweet dudes who smoke lots of weed

(e) We wrote and published a whole album of songs about how sweet Mike Gatto is, yet Anthony Portantino has never shown a shred of musical talent beyond melodically blowing ass after chowing down an all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet

(f) There exists a series of novels set in the Gattoverse that feature Mike Gatto getting into all sorts of sexy and hilarious hijinx

(g) I could go on, but you people can suck my balls.

We’re waiting, and we will consider any failure to meet this challenge as your implicit acceptance that you are a bunch of stupid assholes with no idea what you’re talking about.

In the meantime, enjoy this sexy picture of Anthony Portantino:

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Oops. I meant this one:

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9 Jokes That Definitively Prove Anthony Portantino Could Not Have Written This Blog

For the last couple of years, a bizarre conspiracy theory has been making the rounds amongst anti-Gatto sites.  Despite all evidence and logic, a few weird political blogs have latched onto the idea that our esteemed site is actually authored by Anthony Portantino, Mike Gatto’s on-again-off-again political nemesis.  Despite our hilarious past articles debunking this kooky theory, the Sacramento Tattler recently dredged up the same tired, easily disproven accusations.  It hardly seems credible that Team Portantino would invest the many thousands of hours necessary to create this site’s stellar content, much of which gleefully mocks Anthony Portantino for being a fat piece of shit who sucks.  Okay, even if you believe that Portantino would spend a decade writing a fansite for someone he doesn’t actually like, why would he go so far as insult himself to such an extreme degree?  W’ve said really mean and hurtful things about Portantino that I simply refuse to believe he would be willing to say about himself.  So in case you’ve forgotten, here are nine examples of our site’s mockery of Anthony Portantino that are so extreme and so cutting that there’s no way he could have written it himself.

9.  That Time I Inferred a Bunch of Negative Qualities About His Personality Based on His Weight

There are a lot of reasons people can suffer from morbid obesity, including but not limited to diet and exercise.  Genetic predispositions and even serious medical conditions can contribute to excessive weight gain.  Of course, we exhibited none of that sensitivity in our 2014 editorial Anthony Portantino is a Fat Doo Doo Turd.  In fact, we attempted to draw all manner of hurtful conclusions about Portantino’s value as a human based on nothing more than his fatness:

“Just looking at the guy you can clearly see that he has no self-control, exercises poor judgement, and has a total disregard for health and safety.  Is this really the kind of person we want representing us in Sacramento?”

8.  Forging a Video of Portantino Shitting His Pants on Live TV

Two years ago our site was subjected to similar allegations from the Burbank Blogger, who claimed that our jokes about Portantino weren’t as mean as our jokes about other politicians, thereby proving theory that Portantino was behind our site.  In an attempt to disprove this theory, I made this hilarious video of Portantino appearing to shit his pants on live TV.

7.  Calling him a ‘Lying Scumbag’ For Lying About Endorsements

In May 2015 it seemed like the conflict between Portantino and Gatto was about to explode into public during the primary for a stupid State Senate seat.  As part of our PR assault on the Portantino campaign, we published an eye-opening piece on how Portantino apparently faked and lied about a bunch of political endorsements and bumbled through a bunch of bullshit excuses before finally sending his lawyers to try and silence the blog who first exposed the story.

6.  My Blistering Critique of His Shitty Public Access Show

In late 2015, I stumbled upon some amateurish online public affairs program hosted and produced by Anthony Portantino.  My scathing review contained no spoilers.

Apparently Anthony Portantino produces and hosts a public access show where he interviews boring assholes while being fat.  I can’t believe the Democratic Party is going to allow a fat dullard like this to sully a candidate of national, generational potential like Mike Gatto in a prolonged and unnecessary primary.  People don’t vote with their brains… the vote with their dicks and clits.  And what dickclit would vote for this fat fuck?

5.  Suggesting His Ass Was Fat Enough to Smuggle Bowling Trophies

In my satirical listicle 11 Bowling Trophies Anthony Portantino Could Hide in his Butt, I ventured a guess as to how many bowling trophies Anthony Portantino could hide in his butt.  Final answer:  11.

In addition to making fun of Anthony Portantino, I also got to spend some time googling bowling trophies.  

4.  Our Podcast Takedown of Team Portantino

In our 2017 podcast special entitled “Mayor Sam Sucks 2 Dicks and 4 Balls,” we lit into  Anthony Portantino, improvising a now classic bit about how when he tries to visit the Glendale Sizzler, they lock all the doors and close all the windows and pretend to be a carpet warehouse until he goes away.  We also hilarious mocked Portantino’s buddies Trent Hager for showing up in the Ashley Madison hack, and Adran Nazarain, who we officially nicknamed ‘Dildo AssMouth.  It’s also worth pointing out that the existence of this podcast itself seems to debunk the entire conspiracy theory that Anthony Portantino is behind our site.  Are we to believe that he wrote out scripts for hours of podcasts that largely have nothing to do with politics and hired voice actors to very convincingly play the role of two stoners who think dog dicks are hilarious?

3.  Producing #FakeNews About Anthony Portantino Farting

As a fat guy myself, I’m acutely aware of the unfair stereotype that fat guys are always farting.  Correctly or incorrectly, our site played upon this stereotype when produced a fake news video in which, through deceptive editing practices, we made it seem as if Anthony Portantino blew ass during numerous TV appearances.  We even found a clip of him talking about how his neighbor’s kid beat leukemia… and used it as the set-up for a dumb fart joke.  Can you honestly imagine Anthony Portantino doing this to himself?  It’s total fucking insanity.  Like Pizzagate/Birther level crazy.

 

 

2. 8 Inanimate Objects That Remind Jarvis Mitchell of Anthony Portantino

This satirical take on my classic editorial 8 Inanimate Objects that Remind Jarvis Mitchell of Mike Gatto, I comically compared Portantino’s physical appearance to things like a beachball, a bacon-wrapped truducken, and some large inflatable turds.  But perhaps the funniest joke was also the easiest… a tub of lard.

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If the conspiracy theories are true, Anthony Porantino, Trent Hager and Douglas Morrow conspired to bring you this brilliant joke.

1.  I Exposed the Portantino/Burbank Blogger Conspiracy Theory

After a month of putting out conspiracy theory fires in early 2016, I weaponized the concept and turned it back on the original perpetrators.  If you ask me, my conspiracy theory makes far more sense than theirs — which makes it far less likely that Portantino would willingly expose it himself.

As long as we’re dealing in outlandish conspiracy theories, how ’bout this one… what if the Burbank Blogger is actually Anthony Portantino, and by accusing us of being Anthony Portantino, he’s encouraging us to escalate our attacks on him for the sole purpose of being able to play the victim?  He’d be using us against ourselves by accusing of us doing the very thing that he’s doing!

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