EXISTENTIAL CRISIS: What Is The Purpose Of Anything Anymore?

Last week was an emotional roller coaster.  In a series of now-prophetic blog posts, I speculated that Mike Gatto may have quietly dropped out of the race for California State Treasurer.  That led me down an existential rabbit hole in which, for the first time, confronted the question of what our blog would become if Mike Gatto left the race, lost, or otherwise retired from politics.

But just as important as the question of what happens to Mike Gatto is the question of what happens to our fansite, Mike Gatto is a Sweet Dude.  If Mike retires from public life and returns to the quiet obscurity private citizenry, do we continue to document his every action (or inaction) with our trademark blend of journalistic curiosity and juvenile humor?  Or do we move on with our lives, arbitrarily declare some other politician to be a sweet dude/sweet chick, and spend a decade speculating as to the size of his/her dick/vagina?

Yep… last week was fucking nuts.  But last week ain’t shit compared to this week.  In case you haven’t heard, Mike Gatto actually fucking withdrew from the race for California State Treasurer, explaining that he wants to spend more time with his baby.  Noted Gattophobes pounced, suggesting his sudden departure could be linked to the mushrooming sexual misconduct allegations rocking the halls of Sacramento.  Obviously, that’s not the case and anyone who believes it is a fucking asshole who is full of shit.

Regardless of the hows or whys, the fact remains that Mike Gatto has dropped out of the race for State Treasurer.  Now all my paranoid fears about the purpose of our site’s existence are suddenly a reality.  If Mike is no longer a politician and is now just some dad who rides his bike to work everyday, then why do we exist?  Sure, he would still be a sweet dude with a big dick and two deliciously soft balls, but he would also be a private citizen who deserves a measure of privacy and respect not afforded politicians.

Do we just continue to write about state beastiality laws like we did a few weeks ago when Mike had effectively already dropped out of the race, and after days and days of Googling his name and finding fuck-all to write about, we just kinda gave up too?

No, god damn it.  I’m not going to perpetuate this blog simply for the purpose of amusing myself and my partner, Daulton Gatto (no relation to Mike Gatto).  We started this blog to document the work of a politician.  We had lofty journalistic ambitions then, and at least I can say that I still cling to them today.  Mike Gatto may be a sweet dude, but if he’s not a politician, I see no purpose in continuing Mike Gatto is a Sweet Dude.

I’m going to go smoke another fat blunt and see if it calms me down.  There’s a slight chance it might make me more paranoid, in which case I may end up shutting our blog down altogether.  Stay tuned!!!!!

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Do you honestly expect me to write stupid bullshit like my fictitious recipe for Jizzy Chicken Salad for the rest of my life?

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POLITICAL SHOCKER: Mike Gatto Withdraws From the 2018 California State Treasurer’s Race

It’s official:  Mike Gatto, undisputed heavy weight champion of sweetness, has withdrawn from the 2018 race for California State Treasurer.  According to a tweet from Sacramento Bee reporter Christopher Cadelago, Mike decided to bail on the race so he could have more time to spend with his newborn child.  Awwwww… if that isn’t the very definition of sweetness, I don’t know what is.

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This should come as no surprise to readers of our esteemed site, as we scooped every legitimate news source when we began speculating that Mike had bailed on the race last week.  We noticed he’d shut down his fundraising effort and wiped all mentions of the State Treasurer’s race from his social media and official biography.  Naturally, I expect to be nominated for a Pulitzer Prize in Journalism this year.

The story was also reported over at Mayor Sam, the formerly popular political blog run by the late Mike Higby.  The site, now a ghost of its former pithy self, has been kept on life-support for a couple of years by the incredibly selfish and ignoble Scott Johnson.  Imagine Van Halen continuing with Michael Anthony as the only original member.  Now imagine that shitty, legacy-ruining band is a political blog.  You just imagined Mayor Sam in the year 2017.

But I digress.  Mayor Sam 2.0 crudely suggested that Mike’s sudden departure from the race has less to do with his child than it does with the explosive sex scandals currently rocking the State Assembly.  As we already covered, Mike’s former pal and fellow legislator Matt Dababneh recently faced allegations of following a lobbyist into a bathroom stall, whipping his dick out, and jizzing in the toilet.  And that’s not the only scandal embroiling our beloved state house, which has been described as fostering a pervasive culture of sexual misbehavior.  Scott Johnson used it as an opportunity to dredge up this tired, contextless clip of Mike Gatto and Matt Dababneh saying some seemingly hilarious shit on the Assembly floor, as if that proves he’s involved in some kind of sex scandal too.

That seems like wishful thinking on the part of Scott “Dead Horse” Johnson.  If Mike was really about to crash and burn in a sexual misconduct scandal, I doubt Fiona Ma — a proud female candidate endorsed by both Emily’s List AND comedian Chelsea Handler — would be posting selfies with him, regardless of whether or not he endorsed her.  Sorry Scott, but your theory — like your cheesy dick — just doesn’t pass the sniff test.  Fiona Ma, like so many other empowered and succesful women, considers Mike Gatto to be a dude of unquestionable sweetness.

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So what’s next for Mike Gatto now that he’s dropped out of the 2018 race for California State Treasurer?  Whatever he does, we can be sure of one thing:  he will do it while having a big dick and soft balls.  Now I’m going to smoke a blunt and contemplate life.

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WTF? Did Mike Gatto Withdraw from the State Treasurer’s Race?! No seriously.

I know, we ran an explosive article with nearly the same headline just the other day.  I made a bunch of valid points to substantiate my claim that Mike had dropped out of the race… like for instance he hasn’t tweeted about it, doesn’t list it on his official site, and seems to have shut down his donation outreach efforts.

Today I decided to revisit his Twitter page to see if he even bothers mentioning his big for State Treasuer in his Twitter bio, and low-and-behold, look what popped up…

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Look at that fat guy behind Fiona Ma.

Just in case any of our readers are visually impaired, I posted a screenshot of a retweet by Mike Gatto of a tweet by Fiona Ma featuring a selfie of the two of them together and a personal messaging thanking Mike for his support.

What the fuck?!?!  It seems pretty clear, right?  Can there possibly be any other explanation?  What other issue could Mike be offering his support with?  Getting over her poop issues?

Look, I’ll be honest… this state treasurer’s race is boring as fuck.  I wouldn’t exactly be crestfallen if Mike bailed on it so long as he started doing something sweeter.  After his weeks of suspicious silence, I started to get nervous that Mike had been embroiled in the sexual harassment allegations spreading through Sacramento like a wildfire spreading through Ventura.  I even drafted a blog post addressing what Daulton and I were starting to assume would be the inevitable announcement of an inevitable sex scandal.  But for now, it seems like Mike Gatto’s big dick and soft balls have steered him clear of controversy.  And clear of the painfully boring race for whatever it was Mike was running for.  See?  It was so boring that I’ve already forgotten.

If it does turn out that Mike Gatto withdrew form the race via Fiona Ma’s Twitter feed, then I hope I get the credit I deserve for predicting this development last week.  Sure, we benefit from the fact that literally nobody else on the planet gives a fuck about Mike Gatto or his campaign for State Treasurer, but we’ve been churning out some excellent, hilarious and possibly prophetic work lately.  I deserve a goddamn motherfucking Pulitzer Prize.

 

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Sex Scandals Embroil Sacramento Legislators Who Aren’t Mike Gatto

Seems like these days everybody’s masturbating in front of somebody.  Or rather, these days we’re finally hearing about all the times people masturbate in front of each other.  I guess it’s been happening since that one fateful day when some highly evolved semian  taught himself to beat off, then turned to his nearest Cro-Magnon companion and said “dude, you gotta watch this.”  From wives to girlfriends to romantic liaisons to professional sex workers, plenty of chicks are more than happy to watch dudes beat off.  In fact, men and women commonly engage in the practice of “mutual masturbation” as a part of sexual foreplay.  However, there are some dudes who can only enjoy beating off in front of a chick if the chick doesn’t want him to beat off in front of her.  In the past few months, this has come to be known as “Weinsteining.” Sexual misbehavior has been exposed among the elites in media, entertainment and national politics.  Even within our own California State Assembly, accusations are flying and assemblymen are denying the charge of a “pervasive” culture of sexual harassment and misconduct.

This week, reasonably attractive Assemblyman Matt Dababneh was accused of following a lobbyist into a bathroom, whipping his dick out, and jerking off in front of her until he jizzed in the shitter and apologized.  He denied those specific charges, but faces other accusations of sexually inappropriate behavior in his office.  One former staffer quit because she got tired of Dababneh, a 36-year-old bachelor, always boasting about how much poon he was slaying.  He liked to point out chicks at parties and brag about which ones he’d nailed.  And other stuff like that.  He sounds like a total OC bro.

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If it took scientists 394 tries to perfect Mike Gatto’s DNA, Matt Dababneh looks like attempt #160

If you remember, Dababneh was prominently featured alongside our beloved Mike Gatto in this weird, context-less clip that’s been circulating amongst the anti-Gatto crowd for years.  In the process of doing some boring legislative stuff, Mike makes a joke about this being Matt’s “first time” and promises to be gentle and not “break a rib.”  Then he shoots him this shit-eating grin.  It’s all captured on camera.  And without any specific backstory or context, it’s impossible to know what this little in-joke refers to.  But for the Gattophobic tinfoil hat cadre, it’s proof of something nefarious involving hazing.  To us, it seemed like Mike making a sly reference to the obvious size of his cock, and how if he busted Matt Dababneh’s metaphorical cherry with his big dick, it would probably break one of his ribs.

But I digress.  What was I talking about?  Oh yeah, the allegedly sexist bro culture in the state assembly!  Fellow swinging assembly bachelor Raul Bocanegra eventually admitted to groping and forcing himself on plenty of women during his tenure in the State Assembly, and he’s agreed to resign… in a year… by not running for re-election once his current term is up.

Those charges followed closely on the heels of multiple allegations against Tony Mendoza, another dumbass who was too stupid to simply pay for a safe and discreet (and quality) blowjob from an experienced professional.  Instead tried to lure a teenaged member of a “paid fellowship program” up to his hotel room, where he tried to get her drunk in hopes of jizzing  on, in or near her.  It didn’t work, and his denial of that allegation (in spite of contradictory statements from members of his own staff) touched off a wave of substantiating allegations from other women.

Just like in Washington D.C., laws have prevented the public from knowing when their tax money is used to quietly settle a sexual harassment case against an elected politician.  Obviously, that’s bullshit.  But change is afoot.  Apparently, leadership was so spooked by public backlash that they’ve already decided to outsource the responsibility of handling harassment claims to an outside, independent legal firm.

For those of your keeping score, there are still zero mentions or sexual misconduct against Mike Gatto!  Though his dormant campaign for California State Treasurer strikes me as highly suspicious, I doubt it has anything to do with the pervasive culture of macho bros in the State Assembly.

Look… I know we dedicate a lot of our efforts to speculating about the size of Mike Gatto’s cock and the softness of his balls, but I’m sure you’ve noticed our depictions of sexual acts are all hyper-consensual.  In our years of blogging, podcasting, making videos, albums and novels about Mike Gatto, the only limit to our imagination has been the idea that anyone could possibly not want to fuck Mike Gatto — ourselves included.  I hope this foundational thesis of the Gattoverse isn’t shaken by allegations of non-consensual Gattoing.  That would suck so much dick.

How much dick?  This much dick!

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Sweet Dude Week in Review: December 2, 2017

Yup: another Saturday, another slobber-covered horse boner in the books. This is your Sweet Dude Week in Review for the week ending December 2, 2017.

On the California state treasurer election front, we’ve continued to trudge our way through the never-ending desert that is the Mike Gatto campaign. Another week, and nary a peep about the King of Sweetness in the mainstream media. There was this boring, stupid article from the Los Angeles Times, and that was about it. It was a boring, stupid story that had something to do with food truck safety standards, at least according to Jarvis’s summary that I casually perused while taking a giant shit.

Mayor Sam’s Sister City, the outdated and irrelevant relic that it is, tried once again to smear Mike Gatto’s good name with outrageous and pornographic accusations. Okay, not pornographic ones — that’s our specialty. But they are outrageous. Posted by Scott “Red Spot” Ballsac Johnson, they go on and on with some crazy conspiracy theory about Mike Gatto participating in some kind of State Assembly hazing ritual blah blah blah. To hear Johnson talk, you’d think Mike Gatto was a shifty, slick-haired, greasy-looking Dago jock pretty boy with an imperious sneer. So, once again, Mayor Sam proves itself to be a big digital shitrag. I guess that qualifies as news around here.

Internally, we’ve also been having quite a spirited debate about whether or not to take down our beloved Enemies List. Jarvis penned and posted an impassioned editorial arguing in favor of removing the Enemies List, which I was supposed to respond to, but I haven’t had the chance yet because I went halfway around the world on a tiny little flying machine a couple days ago and I don’t even know what time it is.

Oh wait, I do. It’s time to get stoned. And for you, it’s time to go suck a horse dick.

Off you go.

See you next week, asshole!

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Mike Gatto Mentioned in Boring, Stupid LA Times Article

Guess what?  The LA Times mentioned Mike Gatto.  Was it sweet?  Yeah, I guess.  Should you bother reading about it?  Well… if you’re hoping for new information about Mike Gatto’s bid for California State Treasurer, you’re shit out of luck.  If, however, you’re hoping for a brief mention of Mike Gatto in an otherwise boring, stupid article about something dumb, you won’t be disappointed.  Oh, and if you’re looking for a picture of a kangaroo boner, you won’t be disappointed either.

So here’s the deal… There was this chick.  She lived in Glendale.  She liked to cook.  So she wanted to sell the food she made in her home.  But unfortunately for her, state food safety laws wouldn’t allow it.

I know what you’re about to say… “But Jarvis, I thought Mike Gatto’s celebrated Homemade Food Act changed that law.”  It did, dumbass.  But only for “low-risk” foods like bread.  Now don’t ever question me again, goddamn it!

Anyways, where was I?  Right… So this chick who liked to cook wanted to sell more than bread.  She wanted to sell “high-risk” foods like chicken and other shit that required refrigeration.  So she’s pretty much fucked.  Unless of course there’s some modern-day Mike Gatto in the California State Assembly with a big dick, soft balls, and the courage to take on her cause.  But don’t kid yourself… there isn’t.

Here’s the specific quote from the dumb LA Times article

In 2012, the California Homemade Food Act was signed into law. The legislation, introduced by former Assemblyman Mike Gatto, lets home cooks manufacture “low-risk” foods, such as those not requiring refrigeration, from their home.

Look, I tried to warn you.  I said this article was boring and pointless, but you read it anyway.  It’s your own goddamn fault, asshole.  Now, for those of you who happily continued reading despite my disclaimer regarding the lack of news about the California State Treasurer’s race, here’s that kangaroo boner I promised you…

Oh, what the hell… here’s a few more.

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EDITORS ROUNDTABLE: Featuring Jarvis Mitchell

Hello and welcome to Editors Roundtable: Featuring Jarvis Mitchell.  I’m your host, Jarvis Mitchell.  Today we begin an exciting new series in which the editors of Mike Gatto is a Sweet Dude allow you, the reader, a peek behind the curtain as we chart the future of our site and debate the pros and cons of proposed changes.  On tonight’s episode, we’ll be discussing our infamous ‘Enemies of Mike Gatto‘ list.

Since our site was launched in March 2011, one of our most popular features has been the Enemies list, an authoritative compendium of anyone who slighted or betrayed our favorite State Assemblyman. Or anyone who pissed us offOr anyone who committed an act of genocide against the population of Armenia.  

It was a different time for Mike Gatto then.  And also for our site.  As our avid readers will doubtlessly recall, Mike’s first few months in office were marred by a dispute with some bottom-feeding pseudo-journalist bloggers.  It was a bunch of petty stupid bullshit, and nobody but a bunch of ass-licking cyber-nerds really gave a fuck.  But blogs thrive on these kinds of petty disputes, and the more Mike engaged with them, the more content he helped create and the more traffic he helped drive to those shitty blogs for stupid assholes who lick their own asses.

It was against that backdrop that our enemies list was conceived and created.  And it was pretty hilarious.  I remember when we posted a picture of a dude with a dildo on his face, and some stupid blog pretended to get all outraged by it.  Dude, let me tell you… it was so sweet.

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Awesome.

But over the years, a lot changed.  Mike grew as both a legislator and a man.  He quit engaging with the SoCal political blogosphere, and in so doing, deprived it of the oxygen it needs to live.  Over his years of common sense fiscal responsibility, Mike succeeded in winning over many of his critics, or at least silencing them (except for Scott Johnson, Interim Douchebag in Chief at Mayor Sam, of course).  Sure, there were odd outliers who criticized Mike Gatto for something, and we were quick to bring down the hammer.

Was it deserved?  The case can certainly be made that it was.  But the case can also be made that both Daulton and I had fun doing it.  Maybe a little too much fun.  Drawing dicks on a dude’s faces is hilarious.  So is calling some dude fat or making jokes about some dude shitting his pants.  But I feel like at a certain point our desire to entertain each other with dick and shit jokes eclipsed our higher journalistic responsibilities.

With the benefit of hindsight, some of our antagonistic outrage feels manufactured.  And unnecessary.  And possibly worst of all, a lot of that content feels dated.  By so prominently featuring a glut of articles about a conflict from seven years ago, are we’re doing more to draw attention to that conflict than it deserves or would otherwise receive?  After three terms in the State Assembly, I can think of at least 20 unbelievably sweet things Mike’s done that I’d rather spotlight than some stale (but admittedly hilarious) online tiff from nearly a decade ago.

To me, our Enemies of Mike Gatto list feels like a relic from a different era.  As Mike continues to plot his next political masterstroke, I’d rather stay focused on what’s ahead of us than anchored to what’s behind us.

That’s it for tonight’s edition of Editors Roundtable: Featuring Jarvis Mitchell.  Thanks so much for tuning in, and make sure you join us next time on Editors Roundtable: Featuring Jarvis Mitchell, when our very own Daulton Gatto (no relation to Mike Gatto) will argue the case for continuing the Enemies of Gatto list.  It’s sure to be a spirited debate.

 

 

 

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