It’s been a busy summer here in Sweet Dude territory. Jarvis has been working feverishly on a new Mike Gatto novel, as well as a sweet concept album to which I also contributed some vocals. Meanwhile, I’ve been busy jacking off so much that I chafed my dick, and to top it all off, Jarvis accidentally shit himself after going to an all-you-can-eat country buffet. Obviously this, along with our second podcast, has been keeping us pretty busy.
That’s how the Sierra Madre
Jizz Mop Tattler managed to sneak under the radar for so long with this bullshit article that claims to just be a “virginal schoolgirl” trying to get to the bottom of “who’s really behind the Mike Gatto Is a Sweet Dude blog” and “how big their dicks are.” In reality, it’s yet another tired attempt by the Tattler to smear our journalistic good name with perverse and pornographic accusations.
For those of you new to our sweet blog, I’ll remind you that this isn’t our first run-in with the jizz kings over at the Tattler. They long ago landed on our Enemies List, where we’ve been told they pass the time by having bestial orgies with Ron Kaye and his now-infamous bukkake dogs.
After years of mercilessly attacking Mike Gatto, the Tattler is now pretending to be “just trying to figure out who the real author” of our blog is. All while it bats its effeminate, limpdick eyelashes and plays all coy, as though it’s never taken a big dick up its asshole before.
But before you get any ideas about trying to talk this sweet, innocent news blog into hard buttsex after meeting it at a bar, you should know that the Tattler has already taken a lot of dicks up its loose, raw asshole. And they were big dicks. Big, hard dicks with loads and loads of warm jizz.
That aside, the amateurs at the
Horse Porn Warehouse Tattler also made themselves look like children by committing this laughable false dichotomy:
“Who is the author of the Sweet Dude site? Is it an Anthony Portantino staffer attempting to torment someone who has been a longtime political adversary of his boss? Or is this all the work of Mike Gatto himself?”
If the Tattler could stop secretly filming pig sex on its iPhone long enough to open its mind, it would see that there is, in fact, a world of other possibilities.
Maybe our blog is a recruiting tool for ISIS.
Maybe it’s a clue in the Cicada 3301 puzzle.
Maybe it’s some kind of bizarre art project.
Maybe Jarvis really does go to the Glendale Sizzler for the salad bar.
Maybe I really do get wasted and watch The Price Is Right.
Maybe you’re a stupid douche from a different universe and there’s yet another you in yet another different universe and that version of you is an even bigger douche.
Or maybe Jarvis Mitchell and Daulton “No Relation to Mike” Gatto really are who they say they are — two journalists dedicated to chronicling the ascent of the generational politician we all know and love as Mike “Soft Balls” Gatto.
Dog Boner Tattler article also quoted text from a censored version of our original response to the East Area Rapist Burbank Blogger. Just for the record, here are the words omitted from their representation of our text (presented in the order in which they appear):
Censorship is for pussies, boners, fuckers, cocksmokers, limpwads, jizzlips, asstits, horse balls and pap smears.
(Daulton Gatto is no relation to Mike Gatto. That they share a surname is a complete coincidence.)