After a third straight day of mass shootings and public executions, ISIS has issued an official statement claiming responsibility for America. While it’s commonplace for the terrorist organization to take credit for isolated attacks, it’s never issued a blanket claim of responsibility for an entire nation. Until now.
“Let’s put it this way,” said Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi from the ISIS capitol of Al-Raqqah, “by now America’s just one giant mass-shooting-UFC-watching-Red-Bull-swilling-gun-toting-god-loving-woman-hating-Ed-Hardy-wearing perpetual motion machine of hate and violence. So naturally, we want to take credit for that. All of it.”
“But a certain point, it just becomes a matter of efficiency,” he admitted with a sigh. “As much as I would love to issue a personal statement each and every time someone uses violence to terrorize Americans, I’ve got a caliphate of my own to run here. So let’s just say that from this point on, ISIS is taking credit for the whole shebang.”