“Jacob” the Stalker Emailed Us Again

If you’ll remember, some random dude named “Jacob” recently emailed us, promising a link to Mike Gatto saying racist shit in an online forum.  It was actually a link to a site that tracks your IP address.  Why would someone want to stalk Jarvis and Daulton, you ask?  Because they simply can’t believe that two dudes just really like their State Assemblyman, and decided to smoke a bunch of weed and make a fan site about him and his sweet dick.

After divulging our bizarre email exchange, I figured I’d heard the last of “Jacob.”  But as I was taking my third shit of the day, I checked my email, and lookie what I found…


Obviously, that’s total bullshit.  This dude just baited us with lies about a popular politician saying racist shit online in an attempt to stalk us.


Then about three hours later, when I was taking my fourth shit of the day, I realized I’d missed a golden opportunity to use my awesome new catchphrase.  So I emailed him again:


But then, an hour and ten minutes later, when I was taking my fifth shit of the day, I emailed “Jacob” again.  I felt kinda guilty for telling him to fuck his mother.  It seemed like such a cool and funny thing to say when I decided it would be my new catchphrase.  But after I’d finally said it, I couldn’t help but think how  lousy I would feel if someone told me to fuck my mother.  So I emailed him again:

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Anyways, whatever.  Hopefully I won’t have any follow-ups to the “Jacob the Stalker” plot.  I wish that Jacob, Anthony Portantino and the Burbank Blogger could all just leave us the fuck alone.  I would much rather be writing sweet things about Mike Gatto than shitty things about being caught in the crossfire of paranoid douchebags who can’t accept the fact that two dudes just like to get high and blog about their favorite politician.


About Jarvis Mitchell

author, politico, collector of pens
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One Response to “Jacob” the Stalker Emailed Us Again

  1. Pingback: How To Clean Your Pussies |

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