Admittedly, neither Daulton nor I are particularly adept when it comes to technology. That’s why our site kinda looks like shit, and that’s why we forget to check our email for years at a time. So We’d like to apologize to Jacob Miller, our site’s first official stalker, for taking so long to get back to him.
He emailed us last October, claiming our beloved Mike Gatto had made some racist comments online…
But instead of a link to racist comments, he offered a link to a site that tracks IP addresses. I clicked on his stupid link because I don’t give a fuck if he knows my vague geographic location, and continued to play along…
“Jacob” responded with another tantalizing promise of Mike Gatto saying “nasty” stuff online. Obviously, I knew it was bullshit. Mike doesn’t say nasty, racist shit online. No, that my friends is the kind of thing Anthony Portantino is into. But I’ll get back to that in a minute.
Once again, “Jacob” offered some links to IP tracking sites, and once again, I happily clicked on them because fuck him. Then I responded with a link of my own…
For those of you unaware of the Goatse phenomenon that swept the early days of the Internet, it was one of several “shock sites” in which visitors were exposed to a graphic images without warning. In the specific case of Goatse, this was the image of a man expanding his rectum to such an extreme degree that one can clearly see up his butthole and into his gaping red abyss. It’s hilarious. You should totally look it up. I’ll wait for you.
So now the big question: who is stalking Jarvis and Daulton? Who wants to know where we live? Why do they want to know? Why wouldn’t they just ask directly like an honorable gentleman? As of right now, I have two big theories…
First and most obviously, Anthony Portantino. “Jacob Miller” initially made contact on the heels of our incisive investigative report “Anthony Portantino is Fat.” This was back in the days leading up to Mike Gatto’s semi-retirement from politics, when a bloody primary clash with Portantino seemed imminent.
And as we learned when the Burbank Blogger published a Portantino fundraising email a few weeks later, the plump politician was peeved by our prior proclamation of his portly appearance. The chronology seems to add up… Portantino found out we called him fat, then cried foul to his donors while simultaneously launching his own opposition research effort into our site.
Now, returning to the issue of Portantino and racist comments online… Back in 2013, piece-of-shit Glendale Mayor Zareh Sinanyan got busted saying a bunch of racist, homophobic shit online and lost most his endorsements and political connections. One of the few to remain loyal to Sinanyan was Porkertino. In turn, Sinanyan went on to endorse Porkertino, and for some reason, Porekertino wanted the endorsement of a piece-of-shit racist (but as we know, Porkertino will take any endorsement he can get — even fake ones).
So there’s a mountain of circumstantial evidence to likelihood that our first stalker is Anthony Portantino — or a henchman in his political cartel. But there’s another suspect to consider… a far unlikelier perpetrator…
THE BURBANK BLOGGER!
For years, the Burbank Blogger has chronicled the news of the 43rd district, and much like our esteemed site, had many flattering things to say about Mike Gatto. Also like our site, they were the target of wild accusations from The Sierra Madre Tattler, the most Gattophobic news site since the days of Bukkake Ron Kaye.
Their specific accusation? That the Burbank Blog and Mike Gatto is a Sweet Dude were secretly authored by Mike Gatto himself. Obviously, this is total bullshit. But I can only speak for our site.
Flashforward to last October, when we called Anthony Portantino fat, and he tried to use our blunt honesty in a pathetic plea for more donations to his campaign, despite already having a shit-ton of money.
Obviously, that was hilarious. Less hilarious was the Burbank Blog’s ridiculously hyperbolic reaction, in which they accused Portantino of being a Nazi who spent five years secretly authoring our site, Mike Gatto is a Sweet Dude, in order to call himself fat so he could feign outrage in an attempt to raise funds for his already well-funded campaign.
Porkertino’s reaction seems petty and predictable, but the Burbank Blogger’s freak-out overreaction seems genuinely crazy… the kind of crazy that would feel justified in stalking people.
This blog has been presented with clear proof that the person behind the Mike Gatto is a sweet dude website is an Anthony Portantino operative. Someone with a very close relationship to him in fact.
You see, when you do stuff on the interwebz, you leave traces.
For some reason — and definitely not because the Burbank Blogger is actually Mike Gatto — the Burbank Blog has been driven to the brink of insanity by a wild conspiracy theory that our site, Mike Gatto is a Sweet Dude, is actually a thinly veiled attempt to mock him…
So Portantino operatives created a website to mock Gatto, but subtly, and because they do it from a mock Gatto fan point of view, they had to occasionally joke about Portantino. But were they ever real hits, like talking about his lack of substance or his poor legislative record? No, they were mostly weight jokes in the midst of filth.
If someone wanted to mock us by starting a site called Jarvis Mitchell and Daulton Gatto (no Relation to Mike Gatto) are Sweet Dudes, in which random fans celebrated our sweetness and praised the size of our cocks and the softness of our balls, we would probably feel like the luckiest dudes in the world. It’s hard to imagine Mike Gatto could feel any differently.
But regardless of the Burbank Blogger’s true identity, one thing is clear: he seems to be lost in a paranoid house of mirrors, tortured by the his schizophrenic delusions of Nazi conspiracies. And that’s just the kind of dude who would set up a fake email address and try to find out where we live. If he thought we were an Anthony Portantino operative before finding our IP address, I hope learning it has changed his mind.
And the same goes for Portantino, if it turns out he was behind our first stalker. Either way, one thing is abundantly clear… we need to make an effort to check our email more than once a year.