We Are Not Anthony Portantino

According to the turd-eaters over at the Burbank Blog, this sentence is being typed by an undercover Anthony Portantino operative.

It ain’t the first time a C-list website has accused someone of secretly authoring our site.  Why just last year, the idiot pigfuckers over at the Sierra Madre Tattler ran with a kooky conspiracy theory that Mike Gatto himself was behind our site.  Obviously, that’s fucking retarded, and I dissected its retardation in a thoughtful commentary entitled “Why The Sierra Madre Tattler is Fucking Retarded.”

Now sadly, I’m afraid to announce that the Burbank Blog is fucking retarded too.  They recently ran an article on Anthony Portantino’s attempts to fundraise off of the fact that our esteemed blog called him fat.  Obviously, this is hilarious for many reasons, all of which were dissected in a thoughtful commentary entitled “Anthony Portantino is a Fat Doo Doo Turd.”

But within the context of their report on Porkertino’s plea, the formerly sweet Burbank Blog went on to advance a mind-fuckingly bizarre conspiracy theory that our venerated news journal is authored by none of other than… wait for it… are you sure you’re ready?



This is bizarre for numerous reasons, the least of which being the Burbank Blogger has been so slavishly pro-Gatto that some news sites have theorized it was written by Gatto himself.  But regardless of who actually writes the Burbank Blog, their conspiracy theory is so fucking retarded that it’s almost impossible to spell out… Apparently, they believe that Anthony Portantino runs a fan site for a rival politician for the sole purpose of calling himself fat so that he can pretend to be outraged and beg for money from donors.  Oh yeah, and he set this plan in motion FIVE YEARS AGO, long before he ever knew who his political rival would be in 2016.

If those sound like the wild rantings of a frothy mouth, you’re probably right.  Honest-to-God, this is the first paragraph of their manifesto:

“You’ve got to be one sick person to take a play out of the Nazis’ playbook.  You know, like when they set fire to the German parliament building and then claimed to be the victims, using it as an excuse to seize power.”

Yes.  The Burbank Blog just compared Anthony Portantino to the Nazis.  Look, we don’t like Anthony Portantino.  We think he sucks compared to Mike Gatto because he’s not as sweet and clearly has a much smaller, grosser dick.  But we don’t have to convince ourselves that he’s part of some secret Nazi plot.

Jesus, man.  I’d always assumed if there was a line that could be crossed, our site would be the first to cross it.  But the Burbank Blog didn’t just cross the line… they fucked each others butts, then pulled out their dicks and sprayed shitty jizz all over the line.

Since when did it become so commonplace to accuse your political enemies of being Nazis?  This mindless rhetoric only cheapens the very real horrors of the Holocaust.  Shame on the Burbank Blogger.  I could forgive their attempt to sully our site by associating it with Anthony Porkertino, but I can never forgive those who make a mockery of such a tragic chapter in human history.

But back to their retarded theory…

Get it?  Portantino created a website to slam Mike with disgusting stuff.  Even after Mike bowed out of the race, the website posts more filth, complete with a few comments about Portantino’s obvious girth.  Portantino then sends out an email trying to raise money, replete with feigned horror at the “Internet hits” on him, which his operative posted!  Those responsible for the Reichstag fire would be proud.

Again with the Nazi shit!  Look dude, not everybody who disagrees with you is a Nazi, okay?

And the way, by so obsessively focusing on the handful of times we’ve called Anthony Portantino fat, The Burbank Blogger is ignoring all the many times we’ve made fun of him for farting or for hiding bowling trophies in his butt.  In so doing, they’ve transparently attempted to reduce our site to a one-dimensional caricature.

This blog has been presented with clear proof that the person behind the Mike Gatto is a sweet dude website is an Anthony Portantino operative.  Someone with a very close relationship to him in fact.  You see, when you do stuff on the interwebz, you leave traces.

What is that ‘clear proof?’  They never say.  Presumably, because they don’t have any.  And you know who likes to promise ‘clear proof’ but never share it?  A fucking Nazi.

So fuck these dumb ass conspiracy theories once and for all.  I’ll tell the Burbank Blogger exactly what I told the Sierra Madre Tattler:  stop.  You’re embarrassing yourselves.  You sound like lunatics because it’s somehow easier for you to believe in your bizarre Nazi conspiracy theories than to accept the simple reality that two dudes really like their assemblyman, and decided to smoke some weed and write a blog about it.  IMG_3166.JPG


About Jarvis Mitchell

author, politico, collector of pens
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7 Responses to We Are Not Anthony Portantino

  1. Pingback: Anthony Portantino is a Fat Doo-Doo Turd |

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