Anthony Portantino is a Fat Doo-Doo Turd

When I woke up this morning, I was in a pretty sweet mood.  I was thinking about how sweet it is to sleep in, and how now that Mike Gatto has quasi-retired from politics, he gets to enjoy sleeping in too.  And then I started reflecting on how we are all connected and the universe is amazing and shit like that.  I started thinking about God and miracles and mysteries and this warm feeling filled my soul.

And then I started thinking about Anthony Portantino, and how he’s no longer facing Mike Gatto in the State Senate primary, and how we have no reason to be enemies anymore.  So I figured I’d post an eloquent apology and delete the posts in which we gently ribbed him… like the time we called him fat… or the time we called him a scumbag for apparently faking a bunch of endorsements… or the time we dubbed a bunch of farts into his YouTube videos…


But just before I could hit the delete button and usher in a new era of peace and goodwill between the long-feuding Gatto and Portantino camps, I came across this fucking bullshit email that Portantino apparently sent out to his donors…

“and just yesterday there was another internet attack on me, my character and of all things my weight with such vile language that I can’t even repeat it in polite company.” 

According to the esteemed Burbank Blog, a site so comically slavish in its praise of Gatto that some have suspected it may be written by Gatto himself, Portantino was referencing our site!  They go on to make some pretty wild accusations about Portantino and MGIASD, but that’s a whole other topic we will get to in another post.  For now, I want to focus on how desperately pathetic it is that Portantino’s begging people to give him money because we joked about him being fat.

First of all, he is fat.  By calling him fat, we’re merely reporting the facts.  If Portantino was tall instead of fat, people would know him as the tall candidate.  Duh.  Second, if Anthony Portantino doesn’t want people calling him fat, he should put down the pastrami and pick up a bike.

And finally, just looking at the guy you can clearly see that he has no self-control, exercises poor judgement, and has a total disregard for health and safety.  Is this really the kind of person we want representing us in Sacramento?

Look, politics is a cut-throat world.  Especially Glendale, and especially in this modern age of quality Internet journalism.  Obviously, nobody would ever call Mike Gatto fat because he’s so fucking sexy, but he has been called plenty of other shitty names by deranged assholes.  But he took it like a man, and he didn’t cry about it like a fat little baby.

But whatever.  I don’t even give a fuck about it anymore.   Mike Gatto’s retired for now.  I now give as many fucks about Anthony Portantino and the 25th State Senate race as I do about this dude’s pre-dump farts…



About Jarvis Mitchell

author, politico, collector of pens
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8 Responses to Anthony Portantino is a Fat Doo-Doo Turd

  1. Pingback: We Are Not Anthony Portantino |

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  4. Pingback: Enough of This Stupid Bullshit |

  5. Pingback: California State Treasurer Candidate Mike Gatto Endorses a Hot MILF for City Council |

  6. Pingback: FORENSIC EXAMINATION: Is Mike Gatto the Burbank Blogger?! |

  7. Pingback: 9 Jokes That Definitively Prove Anthony Portantino Does Not Write This Blog |

  8. Pingback: Honestly, Anthony Portantino Isn’t Really That Fat |

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