WTF?! Mike Gatto Withdraws From Politics?!

Holy fucking shit.  Mike Gatto just dropped a major bombshell on SoCal voeters.  For months, it’s been a forgone conclusion that Gatto, termed out of the State Assembly after six clit-strokingly awesome years, would run for State Senate.  But after months of speculation and a stunning 1.9 million donated to a Senate warchest, Mike Gatto has decided not to run.

According to a slick website known as LA Times, Mike Gatto has decided to do the most honorable thing imaginable, and put his beloved family ahead of politics and power and intra-party bullshit squabbles.  It takes a big dick to achieve all that Mike Gatto has achieved.  And it takes and even bigger dick to walk away from it all.

And who can blame him?  Life is precious and fucking short.  Only a total fucking asshole would choose Sacramento over seeing his kids grow up.  Sure, righting the wrongs of the Armenian Genocide is important, but so is seeing your baby’s first steps… or their first laughs… or just being there to share those simple joys with his wife.  He’s a goddamned romantic super hero.  Nicholas Sparks should write a fucking novel about him.


But okay, the cynic in me thinks there’s another angle here.  The cynic in me thinks that Gatto’s picking his fights wisely and making a strategic, long-term plan.  If he chose to run for the State Senate, he’d have to run against a lowlife scumbag who also happens to be well connected and protected by the party machinery… just like you’d expect a lowlife scumbag to be.

So does Mike Gatto really want to trudge through yet another scorched earth primary against entrenched party powers?  And for what?  Eight years in another bullshit legislative body?  Fuck that.  Maybe that’s all a fat piece of shit like Anthony Portantino could hope for, but Mike Gatto’s clearly destined for higher office… executive office.

So Gatto’s going to play ball.  He’s going to let Porkertino have his prize, and in so doing, prove himself to the party bosses.  Then he’ll enjoy a nice three year vacation, making up for lost time with his family, and in 2018, with the full blessing of the state Democratic party, he’ll be able to leapfrog his way over Unimportantino and the State Senate and into the office of Lieutenant Governor.  As of filings made on June 30, a committee supporting a Gatto campaign for Lieutenant Governor had already raised $48,000.  And the nearly 2 million in his State Senate fund can be transferred to that campaign.

Then it’s only a short hop to the Governor’s office, and from there, the Presidency of the United States.  Just like Daulton and I predicted 6 years ago.  Where does State Senate lead?  Ask Anthony Porkertino in 8 years.

The only losers in this scenario are me and Daulton and all the Gattomaniacs worldwide — from hot chicks stroking their clits to Mike Gatto in Glendale, to hot chicks stroking their clits to Mike Gatto in China, and even to hot chick stroking their clits to Mike Gatto in Syria.

So basically, we all just need to show a little patience over these next three years.  Thankfully, there’s plenty of awesome shit we’ve been working on for the site that’s only tangentally related to Mike Gatto’s legislative actions, and has more to do with the size of his dick and the softness of his balls.  Like for instance, we’re working on an album of original songs inspired by that dick and those balls.  And we’ve just finished a science fiction romance novel about Mike Gatto building a time machine and fucking hot chicks throughout the past, present and future.  So yeah, it sucks that we won’t get to watch Mike Gatto humiliate Anthony Portantino.  But it’ll be worth it when we get to travel to Washington for Mike’s inauguration.



About Jarvis Mitchell

author, politico, collector of pens
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11 Responses to WTF?! Mike Gatto Withdraws From Politics?!

  1. Gatto Cunto says:

    Cunt ass Gatto wants to run for Lt Governor. He’s a sleazy scumbag with so much corrupt union money stuffed up his fat ass his eyes are green.

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