Governor Jerry Brown recently signed a new law mandating vaccination as a condition of public education and closing exemptions used by some parents to avoid vaccinating their kids. Why would someone support such an evil sounding law? Well, I had to do a little investigative research using Yahoo.com to find the answers, but I eventually learned that vaccines make babies autistic.
Personally, I don’t see what’s so bad about autism, but Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy explained it to me in hilariously sexy ways. And if the funniest dude in the world and the sexiest chick in the world weren’t enough to make my mind up for me, it turns out they’re also joined by the Sweetest Dude With the Biggest Dick and the Softest Balls (TM).
Yes, dudes and chicks, it turns out that the Anti-Vaccination movement has a powerful ally in Mike Gatto, State Rep for California’s 43rd District. He spoke out forcefully to denounce the new mandatory vaccination law on two grounds: he feels that this new law infringes on both a child’s right to public education and a parent’s right to parent (Gatto’s been no stranger to controversial issues of parental rights, and his efforts to protect the right to circumcise your kid’s dick has put him in the crosshairs of some seriously deranged lunatics).
“The case law dealing with personal autonomy is clear on the limits of what government can do and what constitutes a compelling reason,” said Gatto as as two hot mermaids tongued his neatly circumcised cock. “There are 1.2 million people in the U.S. with HIV. There are 178 with measles. Could the government mandate that everyone use prophylactics to stop the spread of HIV? Of course not. The idea of the government invading our personal space like that is offensive to most. The same principle applies here.”
So put that in your syringe and inject it.
Look assholes, everybody knows that vaccines are probably good, but not as good as autism, which has probably been responsible for every scientific innovation in the history of our species. But sometimes politicians have to pander, okay? In Mike’s case, he represents Silverlake, a district which now has a WholeFoods, and therefore, has a bunch of smug new age yuppie anti-vaxxers. It’s called politics, dumbass. Everybody knew the bill was going to pass anyways, so fuck off.