A gunman consumed with nihilistic irony went on a shooting spree at the headquarters of the National Riffle Association today, killing 14.
According to eye-witnesses, the suspect entered the NRA offices after easily disposing of a security guard who was too fat to reach his gun in time. The killer then continued through the atrium and up the mezzanine, killing three secretaries and a janitor who were ironically indifferent to the issue of gun proliferation, but only needed to earn healthcare for their families.
As news of the gunman spread through the NRA’s office, many armed employees sprung into action, sensing an opportunity to validate their years of gun fetishism with a single act of cinematic heroism. But in a predictably ironic twist, the chaotic melee of bullets caused more harm than good, killing 19 more and injuring another 49.
“When I heard gunshots, I knew I had to do something,” NRA paralegal Ryan Buttersworth told reporters. “Plus, I’ve always harbored secret desire to take another human life, and this seemed like a perfectly justifiable excuse.”
Buttersworth fired 13 rounds through his locked office door, but in yet another senseless act of irony, only succeeded in killing an employee from Jimmy John’s who was delivering lunch for the legal department. Ironically, the chaotic crossfire provided a perfect distraction for the initial gunman, who was able to take NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre hostage and subject him to ironically hilarious torture.
“He sodomized me with the burning muzzle of his legally purchased semi-automatic rifle,” a traumatized LaPierre told the assembled press, “and sodomy is a crime against nature!”
LaPierre was only able to escape certain death when the gunman took his own life — after slipping on a banana peel and accidentally shooting himself in the face.
LaPierre violently rejected the suggestion that prevalence of guns in any way contributed to the shootout. “If it weren’t for guns, ” La Pierre steadfastly maintained, “the gunman could not have accidentally shot his own face off!”