EDITORIAL: If Axl Rose Was Half the Singer Mike Patton Is, Guns N’ Roses Wouldn’t Be the Walking Joke They’ve Become

It is prophetic and somehow fitting that certified sweet dude and extremely talented singer Mike Patton once took a shit in Axl Rose’s orange juice. That act, which was likely intended as a juvenile prank, has taken on metaphorical significance here in the 21st century — a time when Axl Rose would be lucky to have a singer of Mike Patton’s ilk deign to acknowledge his continued existence, let alone take the time to defecate in his OJ.

Granted, Mike Patton can be a butthole. He looked like a pretty large douche the time he sounded off about how much Wolfmother sucks during an interview. But he has also proven that he is, unequivocally, among the most talented and accomplished rock vocalists of the past 25 years. Over that same span of time, Axl Rose has done little more than eat Ho-Hos by the boxful, obsess about Stephanie Seymour and generally make an ass of himself every time he takes the stage.

Given the massive gap in the inherent talent level of the two singers, it’s little wonder that Faith No More has gone on to carve themselves out a respectable legacy and loyal cult following while Guns N’ Roses is now a feeble, pathetic shadow of whatever mercurial sweetness they may once have had (like 30 years ago). It’s also worth noting that Jarvis Mitchell himself outright admitted that GNR made a grand total of one sweet album. The rest of their career amounted to little more than a steaming pile of turds.

Case in point: Faith No More headlined Madison Square Garden in New York in 2015. GNR, on the other hand, is now reliant on Dizzy Reed telling people not to be “square” and come see them play a Hard Rock Cafe at a Vegas casino. If that isn’t sweet, I don’t know what is.

The notion that Patton would try to publicize the OJ shitting incident to drum up publicity for Sol Invictus, an album that debuted at #1 on the Billboard Hard Rock Albums chart, is barely even worth acknowledging. I only do so as a segue into reminding our readers that Chinese Democracy is likely available for 99 cents in the bargain bin at your local Best Buy. You’d be better off throwing your money down the sewer, though.

Further evidence:

Here is Fat Axl Rose choking while trying to sing “Welcome to the Jungle” in 2011:

Meanwhile, here is Faith No More killing it with their kickass new song “Cone of Shame” just a couple months ago:

Up next: a track-by-track comparison of comeback albums seems to be in order! Sol Invictus vs. Chinese Democracy in the Sweet Dude steel cage.

Bring it, Axl. You’re going to need it.

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About Daulton Gatto (no relation to Mike Gatto)

I am a sweet dude, but nowhere near as sweet as Mike Gatto. (I am not related to Mike Gatto. Our identical last name is purely a coincidence.)
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2 Responses to EDITORIAL: If Axl Rose Was Half the Singer Mike Patton Is, Guns N’ Roses Wouldn’t Be the Walking Joke They’ve Become

  1. Mike patton says:

    No daulton, it’s okay. Jarvis is right. Axl is better than me and I am a dick for shitting In people’s food backstage. I feel like a rock star cliche. Sincerely Mike Patton.

  2. Daulton Gatto (no relation to Mike Gatto) says:

    Mike Patton! IN THE FLESH! ON MY BLOG!!! Can you tell me where to find some early demo versions of “Midlife Crisis”????

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