As we must have repeated about 10,000 times by now, Mike Gatto is a sweet fucking dude and he is pretty much the sweetest dude in the world. Even so, there are many other sweet dudes, though none of them are as sweet as Mike Gatto. Some come close, though. Here are my picks for the 5 dudes who are almost as sweet as Mike Gatto.
5. Keith Richards
How this man has lived this long is beyond me, but I know if I were a rock guitarist, I would not be nearly as sweet as Keith Richards. He’s cheated death on at least 10 occasions, including a fall from of a 40-foot tree while partying in Fiji at the age of 63. God, I hope I’m still that sweet when I’m an old man. Keith Richards is a quasar of sweetness if the world has ever seen one.
4. Roy Halladay
This longtime Blue Jays ace was far and away the Major League leader in complete games during his years of active service. Oozing with elite natural talent, Halladay also worked harder than just about every other pro athlete in the world, which is part of the reason he’s super sweet and John Smoltz isn’t. Fuck John Smoltz.
(Editorial note: Fuck the Philadelphia Phillies as well. Bunch of pussies.)
3. Jarvis Mitchell
Anyone who’s been reading this blog for any length of time knows full well what a sweet dude Jarvis is. If he has one fault, it is that his insatiable obsession with Mike Gatto occasionally threatens to consume his life. However, he does make pretty sweet songs and videos about Mr. Big Dick, and that is a quasar of sweetness.
(This photo depicts a young black kid named Jarvis Mitchell, who is not the same Jarvis Mitchell who contributes to this site. He has a pretty fucking sweet name, though.)
2. Daulton Gatto (no relation to Mike Gatto)
You didn’t seriously think I would openly state that Jarvis is a sweeter dude than me, did you? The only reason I’m not #1 on this list is that I am no relation to Mike Gatto. Also, as I type this, I have to take what is almost sure to be a liquidy shit, which I will probably smear onto my balls when I wipe my ass.
No sweeter words have ever been spoken.
(This isn’t me, but one time I did accidentally light my balls on fire performing this exact same feat. It was worth it. Plus I got painkillers. Painkillers are so sweet.)
1. Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi
Actually, the current leader of ISIS isn’t a sweet dude at all. He’s actually a giant turd who sucks big dog dicks. I just wanted to reawaken the giant pink elephant of our anti-extremist rants to ensure that no far-left politically correct limpdick douchebags get too comfortable with our site content.
Also, just a side note: as Jarvis mentioned in a previous post, we don’t hate Islam. We hate all religions, and we think anyone who believes any of that shit is a stupid asshole who can go fuck him or herself.
(This is an image of the Prophet Muhammad, who, according to the Qu’ran, fucked a 9-year-old girl when he was 54. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger. I couldn’t make this shit up.)