Sure, Mike Gatto hasn’t found himself at the center of a salacious sexual scandal… yet. But there’s simply no way a dude as sweet as Mike Gatto could deny the world a dick as sweet as Mike Gatto’s forever. Here are seven super sweet ways Mike Gatto should address his (eventual) sex scandal.
7. Do Not Apologize
Apologies are for fucking pussies, and Mike Gatto is not a fucking pussy. He should double down, admit that what he did was sweet, and promise the voters that he will continue being a sweet dude with a big dick who fucks all night. If the voters give him another chance, of course.
7. Invite His Mistress to the Press Conference
Whenever politicians get caught with their dicks in the wrong pussies, they always cart out their homely, sad-sack wives to prove they’re worthy of forgiveness. Fuck that. Mike Gatto should call a press conference to show off his hot new piece of tail. Voters respect honesty, and honestly, they’d rather be fucking anyone but their wives too.
6. Do a Bunch of Blow
There’s no better way for a dude to blow off a little steam than by doing a bunch of blow. It leads to solidly sweet decisions, like doing more blow and fucking and doing more blow and fucking some more and doing more blow and letting people watch you jack off.
5. Assassinate Vladimir Putin
4. Fuck a Shark
You think anyone would give a shit about a marital affair when they see Mike Gatto fucking a shark? No, idiot.
3. Get a Shark Pregnant
Then he should jizz inside the shark, impregnating it with the world’s first half-shark-half-man with a horse cock.
2. Be a Better Husband/Father to His New Shark Family
See? The problem was never Mike Gatto or his eminently fuckable dick. He’s perfectly capable of being faithful and committed to the right shark.
1. Reunite Guns N’ Roses
Guns N’ Roses is the best band ever, and Mike Gatto is the best politician ever. Everyone would love Mike Gatto if he could reunite Slash and Axl. Even people who are prejudiced against interspecies relationships would have to begrudgingly admit that Mike Gatto was a sweet dude.