Over the years, Mike “Testosterone” Gatto has run afoul of countless douchebags, pussies, twats, dillholes and Ron Kayes. Sometimes it’s hard to keep track of all the misguided zealots and their various paranoid delusions. With all due apologizes to our readers, sometimes an occasional loony slips through the cracks.
It’s been a while since Mike Gatto pissed off the porn-haters responsible for “Measure B,” the disastrously stupid law requiring porn actors to wear condoms. Years later, the issue has refused to die… even if the law has killed the industry itself.
Of course, this turd of a law did not force a single porn actor to wear a condom. Instead, it forced the porn industry to leave their condoms behind and relocate a few miles up the 101, to municipalities eager to claim their share of the porn industry’s estimated 6 billion dollar pie. Within two years, permits for porn shoots in LA plunged 95%.
So obviously, if Measure B’s goal was to force porn actors to wear condoms, it failed miserably and retardedly on such a colossal scale that future generations should study it as an example of all that’s dysfunctional about the government: it was an impractical law, drafted by special interests and unrelated to the lives of average Californians, that did nothing but squander money in a multitude of ways.
Back when Measure B was still a fetus, Assemblyman Mike Gatto tried to abort it. This made him the object of ridicule amongst self-righteous dickheads, religious lunatics, and general pussies and douchebags who hate porn and freedom and (by extension) America.
One such group was the AIDS Healthcare Foundation, who famously dubbed Mike Gatto “a pornographer’s best friend.” Gattophobes such as Ron Kaye and The Sierra Madre Tattler (also probably Ron Kaye), love to repeat this nickname whenever possible in an attempt to smear Mike Gatto by associating his name with porn.
But I have two big problems with that nickname…
First, Mike Gatto is not a pornographer’s best friend. If anything, he’s the enemy of pointless bullshit legislation that over-reaches and over-regulates and has driven an economically and historically significant part of LA to Ventura County. Mike didn’t oppose Measure B on behalf of pornographers — he opposed it on behalf of all the LA businesses who were happy to have that money in their neighborhood.
But secondly… so fucking what if Mike Gatto is a pornographer’s best friend? Why the fuck is that an insult? I fucking love porn. I’m sure Daulton and Cyril would allow me to speak on their behalf when I say they fucking love porn too. Without porn, it would be nearly impossible to masturbate. And without masturbation, we would all be in jail for murder. Porn is the reason the Internet exists. It’s as American as apple pie — which, by the way, people also love to fuck.
By calling Mike Gatto a pornographer’s best friend, they only make me want to vote for him more. Like I needed another reason to think of Mike Gatto’s erupting jizz-hydrant, but every time I read the words “Mike Gatto” and “porn” together in a sentence, my imagination finds itself on its knees in the back row of an adult movie theater, hungrily gagging on the cocks of 50 cloned Mike Gattos while “50 Shades of Gatto” plays in the background.
But I digress. Measure B wasn’t just bad for business, it was bad for porn. Nobody wants to watch a porno with a fucking condom. Why? Because nobody in history has ever wanted to fuck with a condom, so why would they choose to fantasize about fucking with condoms? It’s so mind-bogglingly stupid it defies comprehension.
Obviously, I can’t speak for Mike Gatto, but if you ask me, Mike Gatto would tell you that the idea of condom porn is so retarded it makes Corky from Life Goes On look like Groucho from You Bet Your Life. We all know Mike has stood firmly and erectly against anti-circumcision zealots on the grounds that nothing — not even a stinky, cheesy foreskin — should get between a dick and a pussy. It only makes sense that he’d be against latex rubbers too.
In conclusion, if standing up to special interests to protect small businesses and porn-loving Americans makes you “a pornographer’s best friend,” then yeah… Mike Gatto is a pornographer’s best friend.
And so are you.
Porn rules. If you disagree, go fuck yourself.