Online Poker Report: Mike Gatto is a Sweet Dude

Mike Gatto’s starting the 2015 legislative session with a bang!  According to the venerated news site “Online Poker Report” Mike Gatto has pre-filed a new bill that seeks to legalize online gambling in California.  This would be sweet for a number of critical reasons.

First, gambling is extremely sweet.  Dudes who gamble tend to be cooler, more brazen and more swashbuckling than your typical ballsless douchebags.  Gamblers have awesome names and fuck hot chicks and do free blow all night in their free hotel rooms.

Two, there are some ways it could benefit the economy.

But three, this reason is extremely personal to the dudes at this site.  Our own crusading journalist, Daulton Gatto (no relation to Mike Gatto), loves playing poker.  Sometimes he goes to casinos, but that sucks because he has to put on pants and stop masturbating.  However, by using multiple tabs on Internet Explorer, Daulton is able to watch pornography while simultaneously playing online poker.  By using one hand on the mouse and the other hand to slowly masturbate himself, he can maintain a low-simmering boner for up to 12 hours, giving him the confidence and determination he needs to dominate at poker.


As we reported a long ass time ago, some online poker forums had been lobbying Gatto to take up their cause.  In his exhaustively thorough interview with Online Poker Report, Gatto explains how he’s been studying the issue for 14 years.  Apparently, he’d drawn up a bill for the last legislative session, but was asked by ranking Democrats to defer to an elder assemblyman’s shitty attempt at a bill.

That dumbass may have failed, but Gatto seems to have learned from that failure.  He’s identified ways to address concerns over money laundering and underage gambling that churches and other pussies have expressed.  His new bill would require would-be gamblers to apply and be approved by a “licensed validator.”  If that sounds frighteningly close to a DMV visit, take heart.   Gatto goes on to make it sound much sweeter:

“That local establishment could do lots of things. They could sign them up for their rewards programs, they might even get to play a game that day, and they would take a percentage of the transaction. They would be, for all intents and purposes, a branch, just like a bank branch.”

So basically we could have virtual online casinos on every block just like Bank of America?  Fucking sweet.  Tits rule.


About Jarvis Mitchell

author, politico, collector of pens
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6 Responses to Online Poker Report: Mike Gatto is a Sweet Dude

  1. Pingback: Mike Gatto Scraps Plans for In-Person Online Poker Registration |

  2. Pingback: Mike Gatto Gives the Odds on Online Poker |

  3. Burt Colwill says:

    Five-Card Poker version can be played with 2 to 7 different players. The game starts after 5 cards are dealt per player. The players then bet after the cards are dealt. The players are then permitted to exchange approximately 3 cards just before an additional wagering round occurs right prior to the showdown. In five-card draw a player is permitted to attract 4 cards if the gamer could show that his continuing to be card is an ace.

  4. Pingback: Mike Gatto Tables Online Poker |

  5. Pingback: OFFICIAL ARCHIVE: Enemies of Mike Gatto |

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