THOUGHTFUL ANALYSIS: Fuck Your Dumbass 40 Virgins

The Middle East is once again under threat from a group of Islamic Terrorists.  This time, they’re known as ISIS.  Or ISIL.  Or ISODWLTSJFAB, depending on who you ask.

So how’s this group any different from the others before them?  Well, not much.  These guys are ugly, need to take baths, and subscribe to a belief system that’s fucking retarded.  At the center of this belief system is the Prophet Muhammad promise of 40 virgins, only fuckable once they kill themselves in the name of Prophet Muhammad sky santa.

But why would anyone want fuck a virgin, much less 40 of them?  I was a virgin once, and I remember that it fucking sucked.  I also remember fucking virgins, and I remember that it fucking sucked as much as I sucked when I was a virgin.

That’s because virgins suck.  They’re nervous and clumsy and stupid and don’t know how to fuck or suck dick/eat pussy/toss salad because they’ve never fucking done it — unlike women in their 30’s, who are uninhibited and confident in what they want and have developed time-tested methods for making dicks shoot jizz all over their tits.

So why would dumbass Muslim terrorists want 40 virgins anyway?  Well, ’cause they’re  dumbasses for one.  But the answer to this question goes much deeper.  It’s probably because your average Muslim extremist is a loser virgin himself (if you don’t count fucking goats, dogs or livestock), and he’s nervous and clumsy and stupid and doesn’t know how to fuck, and would feel threatened by any woman who did.

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi needs to get laid.

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi needs to get laid.

Of course, the irony is if they’d stop being so ISIS and take baths and get haircuts and stop cutting chicks’ clits off, then maybe chicks would willfully and joyously suck their cocks.  So there’d be no need to invent this complex mythology wherein their inability to get poon in the mortal realm is justified by faith that they’ll get poon with interest at a later date.  Basically, their entire stupid religion is one big poontang pyramid scheme.

The fact that your average Muslim terrorist thinks sex will not only be present after his death but will define the boundaries of his spiritual existence speaks to just how badly that motherfucker needs to get laid on here on Earth.

But as I’ve stated before, I don’t want to get accused of being anti-Muslim.  In truth, I have contempt for all the world’s stupid religions.  And like the Islamic faith, I believe that in time, they too will be exposed for what they are:  an ancient justification for pervy old men to fuck children.

The Muslims think God will give them virgins.  The Mormons were basically Baptists who wanted to have a house full of child sex slaves.  L. Ron Hubbard supposedly kept a yacht parked in international waters for the purposes of going Catholic on little boys.  And Michael Jackson fucked Macaulay Culkin.

Pope Michael estimates the size of Mike Gatto's cock.

Pope Michael estimates the size of Mike Gatto’s cock.

Aside from the moral unacceptability of fucking kids, there’s also a glaring logical inconsistency with child rape as a basis for any theology:  those 40 virgins are no longer virgins the moment you fuck them.  Brigham Young’s house full of child sex slaves grew into a house full of nagging housewives with cankles.  And there’s no Home Alone 42:  His First Colonic for a multitude of very good reasons.

So knock it off, idiots.  Stop trying to fuck kids and space virgins while simultaneously taking the moral high ground with those of us who choose to have consensual sex with consenting adults while we’re still alive.

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About Jarvis Mitchell

author, politico, collector of pens
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One Response to THOUGHTFUL ANALYSIS: Fuck Your Dumbass 40 Virgins

  1. Pingback: 5 Dudes Who Are Almost as Sweet as Mike Gatto |

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