ISIS is a Paper Tiger

We were scared as fuck when al-Bagdadi and his militia of fellow jizz drinkers claimed a swath of land stretching from Syria through Iraq.  The haste with which their territory spread caught the world off-guard as they scrambled to find an appropriate reaction.  But in the months since ISIS’s initial onslaught, one thing has become abundantly clear:  ISIS is a paper tiger.

Sure, in those first few days, we were scared as fuck.  If that rate had continued, a hemisphere would be under their control by now.  But you know what?  It’s not.  And that’s because any region that could easily fall to ISIS has already fallen to ISIS.


Islamic State caliph Abu Bakr al-Bagdadi pretends his microphone is Mike Gatto’s cock and takes a facial.

Wait… you’re telling me a few predominately Sunni towns and a whole lot of desert in between fell to the hands of a Sunni group?  Big fucking surprise.  After decades of oppression under Shia rulers and their Western enablers, Sunnis were bound to rule themselves at some point.  And who’s going to take the reigns?  The guy with the biggest balls and the biggest guns, naturally.  So that’s what happened.

But you don’t see ISIS claiming any cities in Shia areas, do you?  No sir, they’ll hit a big fucking brick wall in Iran.  Ditto Saudi Arabia.  And skirmishes along the Turkish borders has already succeeded in uniting formerly rival Kurdish communities, and with supporting air-strikes, they’ve already started reclaiming land ISIS had grabbed.

And yeah, they cut a few peoples’ heads off.  That fucking sucks.  There’s no way to overstate the horror those people faced in their final moments.  But it was still just that… a few people.  Despite their PR bluster, they’ve managed to kill a pitifully insignificant number of Westerners.  The 9/11 hijackers used box-cutters to kill thousands and provoke a global conflict.  ISIS used YouTube to kill three people and inspire a few reluctant and isolated air-strikes.  What a bunch of fucking pussies.

So as bad as those initial few weeks of ISIS’s spread may have seemed, and despite how undeniably shitty it is to have your head cut off, it’s as important as ever for us to take a deep breath and remember that it’s never as bad as Wolf Blitzer makes it seem.

Stupid asshole Wolf Blitzer estimates the size of Mike Gatto's manhood.

Stupid asshole Wolf Blitzer estimates the size of Mike Gatto’s manhood.


About Jarvis Mitchell

author, politico, collector of pens
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2 Responses to ISIS is a Paper Tiger

  1. Pingback: Where For Art Thou, ISIS? |

  2. Pingback: ISIS Will Kill Itself |

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