COMMENTARY: Islamic Militants Suck More Animal Boners Than Bukkake Ron Kaye

Every now and then, something happens that reminds me that there’s more to life than Mike Gatto, lemon meringue pie, pet parrots and game show marathons. The stupid bullshit that happened in Canada yesterday is one of them.

First, let me be clear about something. Canada fucking rules. It’s like America, only cleaner and safer with less crime and free healthcare. If you’ve never been there before, here are a few key facts:

  • Population: 35,160,000
  • Official languages: English, French
  • Government system: Constitutional monarchy
  • Legislature: Bicameral
  • Capital: Ottawa

In case you haven’t heard, some fuckface named Michael Zehaf-Bibeau murdered a soldier at the National War Memorial in Ottawa, then hijacked a car, drove to Parliament Hill and went inside with a rifle. Fortunately, the cops shot the animal cum-loving asshole dead before his misguided jihadist bullshit could claim any more innocent lives.

I might not be the biggest fan of Prime Minister Stephen Harper, but I’d be pretty fucking pissed off if an ISIS-inspired Islamic donkey fucker walked into Parliament and assassinated him. Fortunately, that dumbass is now in a celestial paradise fucking dozens of virgins who, for some reason I will never understand, still have tight, wet pussies even though their physical bodies have long since perished.

See, here’s the problem. If these jackass jihadists got their way, Canada would look like this:

  • Population: 257,000,000
  • Official language: Arabic
  • Government system: Theocracy
  • Legislature: There wouldn’t be one, because the Quran clearly defines the law and that medieval horseshit would pass for justice
  • Capital: Damascus, Baghdad or whatever other bomb-ridden shithole those assholes come from

I don’t know if Mike Gatto has had the chance to publicly comment on yesterday’s tragedy, but I’m pretty sure that as a sweet dude with a big dick who likes to fuck hot chicks, he’s pretty dead-set against this violent zealotry that masquerades as religion.

It’s time for the sweet dudes here at Mike Gatto Is a Sweet Dude to throw down. In keeping with that, here is a list of people who can suck my hairy, sweaty balls:

  • ISIS
  • Al-Qaeda
  • Homegrown terrorists
  • Anyone who wants to implement sharia law in Canada, the U.S., the U.K., or any other liberal Western democracy
  • Ron Kaye
  • Mike Higby
  • Ungrateful immigrants who leech off welfare systems and scorn the values of their adopted home countries
  • Chris Pitman
  • Rosie O’Donnell
  • Medieval, backwards fuckheads who propagate Islamic patriarchy and use religion as justification for beating their wives or murdering their daughters for wanting to fuck sweet Western dudes with big dicks
  • Anjem Choudary

Stay tuned — in a Mike Gatto Is a Sweet Dude exclusive, we’re soon to publish a never-before-seen image of the prophet Muhammad raping an 8-year-old! Exciting developments to be sure.

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About Daulton Gatto (no relation to Mike Gatto)

I am a sweet dude, but nowhere near as sweet as Mike Gatto. (I am not related to Mike Gatto. Our identical last name is purely a coincidence.)
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One Response to COMMENTARY: Islamic Militants Suck More Animal Boners Than Bukkake Ron Kaye

  1. Pingback: In Name of the Almighty Mike Gatto, We Declare Jihad on ISIS! |

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