Blackwater Jukebox is the Best Fucking Band

If you’re like me, you fucking hate music. It’s dumb and pointless and makes my ears vomit. That science notwithstanding, there is one band that doesn’t fucking suck and is actually pretty great: the Beatles. Unfortunately, the good ones are dead.

But it just so happens that there is another band that doesn’t suck. And while they aren’t quite as great as the “Fab Five,” Blackwater Jukebox is easily the best fucking band around right now.

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You know how most bands are lame and boring as shit and when they play you get distracted and impatient and check your phone and look at porn? Well, that doesn’t happen when you go to a Blackwater Jukebox concert because you’re actually having a pretty sweet time.

I used to think that whoever was singing a song automatically wrote it. But it turns out that’s not necessarily true. Some songs are written by “songwriters” and are sung by lots of different people throughout history. Blackwater Jukebox’s frontman (Geordie McFly) explains this and more during his frequent informative lectures on what he calls “ethnomusicology.”

Normally something like that would fucking suck major dicks. But it’s sweet here for two reasons… One, because Geordie is a funny dude. And two, because there is a foxy chick in the band to look at whenever you start to not care. She plays what appears to be a giant wooden boner.

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The other dudes in the band are also pretty sweet looking. The drummer has EET FUK tattooed on his leg. There two hot young dudes — one of whom is a Latin heartthrob, and the other looks like Nikolai Tesla. And there’s also Father Jarod Smith, a dude who used to be a priest in Bolvia but now gets hammered and shreds and fucks tons of hot chicks.

And no joke, there’s also a dude who plays the cowbell. The motherfucking cowbell, dude. If that wasn’t sweet enough, he also does ninja moves and looks like he might explode in flames at any moment.

With all that going on, the music almost doesn’t matter — which is a good thing since, honestly, these guys are no Beatles. But Blackwater Jukebox is still good enough to be the best fucking band around today.

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About Jarvis Mitchell

author, politico, collector of pens
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