The Rise and Fall of Mike Gatto has gone from being a ridiculous rumor to a shocking truth in the space of a couple of weeks. Since I’ve been laid up with yet another injury to my balls, I’ve had plenty of time to brood over this fucking stupid play.
The one question that just won’t go away: who could possibly be behind this pathetic excuse for dramaturgy? I’ve been obsessing over this the way Jimmy Stewart obsessed over Kim Novak in Vertigo. The only conclusion I’ve drawn is that there’s no way in hell a foxy Hitchcock blonde could be behind this fucking stupid play.
So who is?
Here are my top 5 suspects.
5. Mayor Sam/Mike Higby
Since this post is serious business, I’m going to lay off the fried chicken jokes for the time being.
Mike Higby may be many things, but even I will admit that he is not stupid. He looks stupid, but he is not stupid. As I’ve already noted in this blog, Higby — like everyone else not named Mike Gatto — is insanely jealous of Mike Gatto. When I read scenes that are about Mike Gatto being unable to get a boner, I can’t help but see Higby’s jealously taken to a whole new sick and shocking level.
4. Peter Musurlian
I know what you’re thinking: Peter Musurlian couldn’t possibly be behind this play. Several scenes make Musurlian look even stupider than he is in real life, and given his propensity for masturbatory levels of self-indulgence, why would he pen such preposterousness?
Because, dear reader, he’s trying to throw us off the trail. He’s trying but not succeeding. I’m watching you, Musurlian. I’m watching you, and those donkeys and cowboys with giant boners you’re keeping in your back yard. You can’t hide them from me.
3. Bukkake Ron Kaye
Is it possible that Bukkake Ron stopped sucking and rubbing dog and goat cocks long enough to write a two-act play about Mike Gatto? Not only is it possible, but it’s probable.
The case against Bukkake Ron is compelling:
- This play is filled with woeful factual inaccuracies.
- Dogs and goats are capable of licking and sucking their own boners for a little while.
- There are repeated references to dog and horse cocks throughout the play.
Of all the enemies of Mike Gatto, only Bukkake Ron has this level of preoccupation with animal boners.
2. Caryl Churchill
Named “the world’s greatest living playwright” by multiple respondents to a Village Voice poll, Caryl Churchill emerged as a key suspect when I begrudgingly accepted that despite its vicious attacks on the King of Sweetness and its juvenile obsession with boners, The Rise and Fall of Mike Gatto is actually a densely layered, carefully crafted character study with its finger on the pulse of the age. It occasionally ascends to the level of genius, and would immediately rank among Churchill’s most brilliantly executed works of all time.
I can’t think of another living playwright capable of executing such a piercing and poignant portrayal of a man collapsing under the weight of his own ego, even if the erroneous target of the play’s searing criticism happens to be Mike “Big Boner” Gatto.
1. Todd Royal
Todd Royal is the doomed Republican candidate whose pathetic flaccid penis will be further deflated in humiliating fashion in the next 43rd district election. The more I think about it, the more sense it makes that The Rise and Fall of Mike Gatto is most likely this failed actor’s effort to launch a smear campaign against the King of Big Dicks.
Jarvis and I are in the process of pooling together some cash to hire a detective to get to the bottom of this very question. In the meantime, I invite all interested parties to submit their own guesses as to who might be behind this play in the comments section. And now, I’m off to apply soothing ointment to my charred ballsac.