Last week we got our hands on a copy of the slanderous new play based on the life of our beloved State Assembly representative. Foolishly titled ‘The Rise and Fall of Mike Gatto,” the play makes all manner of lewd and insidious accusations about Mike, the Glendale political scene, and even the esteemed authors of this blog. Just how explosively controversial will this play be? Here are your top ten moments…
10. The Slandering of Daulton and Jarvis
Daulton and I were pissed to learn that our likenesses had been co-opted by the playwrights and used as a part of some elaborate meta-mockery of everything Gatto. But we went nuclear when we read fabricated bullshit scenes that would never fucking happen in real life. Like this one:
9. Peter Musurlian Brings Mike Gatto Down
In one outrageous scene, Peter Musurlian is depicted as something more than a lowly wretched troll. In fact, the authors depict him as having the means, brains and balls to bring Mike Gatto down…
And yet, at other times, Musurlian is rightfully depicted as a sick fuck who is preoccupied with all manner of beastly perversion…
7. Danielle Gatto: Backstabbing Seeker of Turds
Nothing is off-limits for the demented authors of this disgraceful play. Danielle Gatto, saintly wife, mother and former Miss Orange County, is depicted as a conniving backstabber who harbors a searing resentment of her husband’s political celebrity. And for some reason, she spends her days looking for hidden fecal matter.
6. Daulton and I Are Fucking Morons!
Jesus Butt-Fucking Christ!!! Daulton and I aren’t fucking morons. We’re esteemed journalists and incisive political pundits. So why do the authors of this play insist on making us talking like goddamn retards?!
5. Mike Gatto is a Fucking Moron!
In the wild imagination of this play’s authors, Mike Gatto is depicted as a half-wit political neophyte who is incapable of talking to the press without every word being scripted by his trusted adviser, Rudy Glasscock.
4. Mike Gatto Gamed the Armenian Community
Charges of vote-splitting have dogged Mike Gatto since his first primary run. These accusations are depicted as fact in the play, and are used to characterize Gatto as a scheming, unscrupulous manipulator with contempt for both democracy and Armenians.
3. Mike Gatto Will Game Other Ethnic Voting Blocs
The play’s second act is set during Mike’s future run for the Mayor of LA and depicts Mike as once again engaging in cynical identity politics. Worse still, the authors gleefully trot out all manner of ethnic stereotypes, including a prolonged assault on Armenians.
2. Mike Gatto Murders his Wife
The action of the climax involves Mike Gatto murdering his wife at the behest of his Machiavellian political adviser. And if that wasn’t far-fetched enough, somehow Daulton’s disembodied voice narrates the action.
1. Mike Gatto Can’t Get His Dick Hard
In what is clearly the most outrageous, most shocking, most unacceptably slanderous scene in the entire play, Mike “Boner Owner” Gatto is depicted as suffering from erectile disfunction. Okay, that’s where we draw the line…