7. “My Michelle”
I know what you’re thinking — Mike Gatto would have named this tune “My Danielle.” Think again, dumbass. Daulton Gatto (no relation to Mike) may be many things, but predictable is not one of them.
This song would have been called “My Balls Are Full and I Need to Jizz on a Hot Chick’s Tits.”
6. “You Could Be Mine”
I think GNR, by and large, suck balls. Even so, I will admit this song is pretty sweet. However, it’s not as sweet as America would be if Mike Gatto were president. But he could be. “You Could Be President.”
5. “I Have a Big Dick”
Okay, there’s no such song. But if Mike Gatto were Axl Rose, you can bet your last drop of jizz that there would have been.
4. “There Was a Time”
I feel a certain amount of nostalgia for this song, even though it sucks and features what may well be the stupidest, whiniest, bitchiest guitar solo in rock history. We should have beat Tommy Stinson up on principle that time we saw him in an elevator in Vegas, even though he was the bass player at the time.
Mike Gatto would have called this song “There Was a Time when My Dick Wasn’t Big (I Was Still a Baby).”
(Side note: Look how fucking fat Axl is in this clip!)
3. “Sweet Child O’ Mine”
I would bet my last $20 and an entire month’s worth of food stamps that Mike Gatto would have called this song “Sweet Big Dick O’ Mine.”
Predictable? Fuck you. Just for that, enjoy this link to a vintage Sesame Street segment:
2. “Chinese Democracy”
This absolute train wreck of a song would have sucked a little less had it been called “I Jizz on Chinese Chicks All Night Long and they Fucking Love My Cock.”
You tell ’em, King of Sweetness.
(Side note: Axl sure isn’t getting any skinner, is he?)
1. “Rocket Queen”
With little doubt, Mike Gatto would have called this song “Rocket Boner.” And he would have smashed Slash over the head with an empty whisky bottle had there been any argument about it.
Now fuck off and go light your own balls on fire.