I am so pissed off at “Alex L.,” whoever that poser may be, that my balls just literally burst into flames. Like I mean, they lit themselves on fire. It was some spontaneous human combustion-type shit. Now I’m going to have to go back to the doctor, show him my charred ballsac, and apply his bullshit ointment every night for the next 3 to 4 weeks.
But before I do, I thought I’d expose Alex L. for the fraud he is. Apparently, a pair of dumbass delusional psychopaths posing as Jarvis and I wrote some stupid play about the King of Sweetness himself, and Alex L. is going to be playing the part of Mike Gatto.
As information continues to leak in about this slanderous and embarrassingly unfunny attempt at political satire, I become increasingly convinced that Jarvis and I have the grounds for a defamation lawsuit. Word is this play of stupid bullshit will be performed at the Echo Country Outpost, 1770 Glendale Blvd., on Thursday, September 25 at 8pm.
Assuming my balls have healed by then, you can be sure that I will be there to personally kick Alex L.’s ass. I think it’s disgusting and shameful that we’re living in an age when a serious political journalism blog about Mike Gatto and cock isn’t safe from being openly mocked like this.
Now, on to what is sure to be the most unflinchingly accurate “5-reasons list” in the observable universe: the top 5 reasons Alex L. is utterly unqualified to equate his name with Mike Gatto:
5. Alex L. can’t fuck a brachiosaurus. Unlike Mike Gatto, his dick is too small.
4. REO Speedwagon has never written a song about Alex L. However, the 80s hit “Can’t Fight this Feeling” has been confirmed by various sources to really be about the lead singer’s secret desire to deep-throat Mike Gatto. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, limpdick.
3. Carl Weathers has never congratulated Alex L. for a successful ballot initiative, whereas he was drooling over Mike Gatto’s dick just a few weeks ago. Fuck you, Alex L.
2. There’s no photograph of Pablo Picasso demonstrating just how massive a boner Alex L. really has. The world-renowned artist, however, did take a moment away from painting masterpieces and fucking hot chicks to show the world how big Mike Gatto’s cock is. I know that if I were Alex L., I’d be really pissed off that I didn’t have a dick anywhere near as big as Mike Gatto’s.
1. Judi Dench doesn’t fantasize about Alex L. possessing her ravenous sexuality before an armada of hungry photographers. If the same were true of Mike Gatto, then explain this photo of her trying to jack off her Oscar statue while thinking about Mike Gatto’s big dick.
Alex L., you are most decidedly NOT a sweet dude.