Trust me, you don’t want to know how Daulton and I got our hands on an unauthorized copy of the the script for the long-rumored play about Mike Gatto. Though we risk forsaking or first and only exclusive interviewee, “Alex L.,” this shit is simply too good not to share.
10. “The Fall?”
The play is called “The Rise and Fall of Mike Gatto.” What the fuck?! There’s no “fall” in the story of Mike Gatto. Ever. Period. He will rise through the Assembly and City Council, onto Congress and the Senate before reaching the Oval Office by the age of 49. Just fucking look at the guy…
One subplot involves rumors of vote splitting in the Armenian community that have dogged Gatto since his first election. Mike rejected accusations of cynical identically politics, but the play suggests he may have been the victim of powers beyond his control.
8. “Might As Well JUMP!”
Though set in both modern day Los Angeles and the fictionalized city of 2021, the play’s soundtrack finds it’s roots in 80’s Pasadena — specifically, the work of Van Halen. Even more specifically, it’s just this one song over and over and over and over again…
7. “Mike Gatto Has a Big Dick”
By now, it’s no secret. Hell, Mike’s tweeted jokes about his raging testosterone and even cracked wise about cracking ribs from the Assembly floor! So it should come as no surprise that the play boasts plenty of references to Mike Gatto’s massive horse cock.
6. “Hide the Turd”
I don’t want to give too much away, but there’s a scene in which Mike Gatto is forced to play a sadistic game called “Hide the Turd.” If it was anyone but Mike Gatto trying to find the hidden turd, I would have found this scene hilarious. But as member of Gatto-Nation, I’m torn.
5. “Who is Rudy Glasscock?”
One of the script’s main characters is a nefarious political adviser who serves as a devil on Mike’s broad shoulder, encouraging his worst impulses. His name? Rudy Glasscock. WTF? To the best of our knowledge, no such person ever existed in the Gatto campaign. By searching Facebook, I found this “Rudy Glasscock” in Kentucky. But it’s hard to imagine he’s “the greatest political mind in the history of Glendale.”
4. “Starring Peter Musurlian as Peter Musurlian!!!”
That’s right, the very first name we added to our Enemies of Gatto list features prominently in the play. Peter plays himself — which is to say, he plays a bumbling lunatic who harasses and stalks Mike and his innocent, doe-eyed staffer until a judge orders a restraining order. You won’t believe the shit he has in his back yard… Dogs fucking, monkeys eating turds out of each others’ butts, donkeys and gay old cowboys with giant boners and a dude lighting his ballsack on fire.
3. “With Special Appearances By Jarvis Mitchell and Daulton Gatto (No Relation to Mike Gatto)”
We were shocked to learn that we also appear briefly in the play, bookending the action of Mike Gatto’s rise through State Assembly and his fall during a future run for Mayor. While the author’s depiction of us as childishly obsessed with penises hits close to home, the similarities stop there. In what can only be seen as some sort of elaborate post-modern prank, the script’s title page suggests that Daulton and I authored the play ourselves! BULLSHIT! Though rest assured, if we did, Mike Gatto’s dick would have had an even bigger and juicier part.
2. “I Can’t Stop Thinking About Dogs Fucking!”
During one pivotal scene, an exasperated Mike Gatto bellows this line. Why? Because of this:
1. “September 25th — Echo Country Outpost”
These few words were scrawled in red ink along the corner of the script’s tattered cover page. Though there’s no way we can be certain, this would seem to suggest the date and location of the play’s premiere. What the hell is an “Echo Country Outpost?” I checked YouTube. God help us all…