I just wanted to update our loyal readers on some news regarding my balls. A couple weeks ago, I accidentally lit my own balls on fire while attempting a “blue angel,” a juvenile trick in which one can proliferate a large flame by farting into a lighter, as seen here:
Anyway, my balls are still a little tender to the touch, but I’ve sufficiently recovered to proceed with my interview with Tony. I apologize for the delay.
(Proof that I am no relation to Mike Gatto: Mike Gatto would need a blowtorch to light his own balls on fire. I only needed a 50-cent lighter purchased from a shady Russian at a shitty smoke shop in West Hollywood.)