Anyone with a brain can tell you that television — and by extension, all popular expression — reached it’s zenith with ABC’s iconic TGIF line-up. Every Friday night, families could unite in front of the TV and marvel at how perfect their lives could be if it weren’t for drugs and alcohol. But as sweet as these shows seemed at the time, there are some ways in which they don’t quite hold up today — specifically, their lack of Mike Gatto, State Assembly Representative for Glendale, Los Feliz, Silverlake, La Canada and La Crecenta.
7. ‘Mr. Belvedere’ was a pretty sweet dude, but imagine how much sweeter the show could have been if he was Mike Gatto — and instead of being some dumbass butler to some dumbass family, he just partied and screwed a bunch of hot chicks with his big dick. Super sweet.
6. A lot went wrong with ‘Baby Talk,’ a transparent rip-off of the beloved “Look Who’s Talking” franchise. Sadly, the combined star power of Scott Baio and Tony Danza’s disembodied voice were no substitute for John Travolta. But Mike Gatto’s big dick may have been.
5. A lot of idiots seem to like this show, which is cool I guess. But imagine how much sweeter this show could have been if it was called “Perfect Genitals,” and it was about a dude named Mike Gatto who has the biggest dick and the softest balls in the world.
4. “Hanging With Mr. Cooper” was about a retired NBA player who became a school teacher. But “Hanging With Mr. Gatto” would have been about a retired porn star who became President.”
3. Sure, it was fun to stroke my eager young cock to Topanga each Friday night. But why was she always fucking that Shia Labeouf impersonator? She needed a real man like Mike Gatto. Also, “Girl Meets Dick” would have been a way better title.
2. Yes. ABC really aired a show about fake dinosaurs in scary rubber suits taking shits. But what if instead of “Dinosaurs,” they’d gone with “Dinosaurs and Mike Gatto,” the story of some fake dinosaurs in scary rubber suits taking shits while Mike Gatto fucks a bunch of hot chicks with his towering scrotum totem.
1. Instead of being saddled with two sexless, limp-dicked mamma’s boys, what if Uncle Jesse was joined by Assembly Mike Gatto and his kick-boxing twin brother, Jakob (also played by Mike Gatto)? And instead of Stephanie, Michelle, and that shrill harpy DJ, what if they cared for three Swedish bikini models with big tits who liked to fuck all night? And what if instead of Uncle Jesse, there was another Mike Gatto? That show would have been called “Fuck House” and it would have been the Wayne Gretzky of Intergalactic Super Sweetness.