5 Movie Villains Mike Gatto Could Kill Using Only His Dick

The annals of film history are littered with evil assholes we’d love to see sputtering their last vile breaths while choking on Mike Gatto’s magnificent circumcised dick. Here are five loathsome, detestable human beings who would never have survived three acts of cinematic narrative had the writers introduced a certain handsome young assemblyman to the plotline:

5. The Black Knight (Monty Python and the Holy Grail, 1975)

This one is pretty obvious: Mike Gatto would have stuck his proverbial sword right through this invincible knight’s head. Mike Gatto’s dick is so hard and so big that it would have sliced through that full iron facemask like a knife through butter on an August afternoon.

4. Norman Bates (Psycho, 1998)

As this screen shot clearly shows, Vince Vaughn can’t open his mouth nearly wide enough to take Mike Gatto’s dick. It’s a safe bet that he would choke to death within seconds.

3. Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man (Ghostbusters, 1984)

All Mike Gatto would have needed to do was poke this Mike Pigby lookalike with his massive boner and the whole threat would have deflated faster than a dick jizzing on “Bukkake” Ron Kaye.

2. Leatherface (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, 1974)

Once again, the reasoning here is simple enough: not even a chainsaw could cut through Mike Gatto’s stiff, magnificent manhood. A diamond-studded chainsaw built by an advanced race of interdimensional aliens, maybe, but not the piece of shit this ugly hick was using.

1. Buffalo Bill (The Silence of the Lambs, 1991)

There’s little doubt Buffalo Bill would have coveted Mike Gatto’s massive dick, for it offers enough silky-smooth flesh to construct at least a half-dozen human body suits. But if Buffalo Bill extended this kind of invitation to Mike Gatto:

…he would have died like Catherine the Great: impaled on a horse cock.



About Daulton Gatto (no relation to Mike Gatto)

I am a sweet dude, but nowhere near as sweet as Mike Gatto. (I am not related to Mike Gatto. Our identical last name is purely a coincidence.)
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4 Responses to 5 Movie Villains Mike Gatto Could Kill Using Only His Dick

  1. terrific article, daulton! i especially enjoyed your logistical breakdown of how the black night could have been dick-shived.

  2. Pingback: EXCLUSIVE: The Sierra Madre Tattler Admits to Bestial Pig Sex |

  3. Pingback: Mike Gatto Memoir Cracks NYT Bestsellers |

  4. Pingback: OFFICIAL ARTICLE: Mike Gatto Listicles |

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