Loyal readers of our blog will recall that I have quite a hankering for classic game shows, but after my most recent debacle, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to watch another minute of unscripted daytime drama featuring fabulous prizes.
I’ve spent much of the past eight months locked in the basement of the home of my delightful mother, Betty Gatto (who, like me, would mutilate her own genitals to be related to Mike Gatto, but unfortunately is not). After my new bird, Harley, joined our family last spring, I decided to celebrate by watching the entire original run of The Price Is Right, from Bob Barker’s debut through his retirement.
What an epic undertaking.
Unfortunately, it came at the expense of closely tracking the scintillating ascent of Mike Gatto’s brilliant political career. My absence tragically drove my blogging compatriot, Jarvis Mitchell, to a Dilaudid addiction from which he is only now beginning to emerge. Now that we’re back, you’ll have to forgive Jarvis if his first couple of posts are a little bit “out there.” Yours would be too if you were just casting off the shackles of a dangerous addiction to one of the world’s most potent opioid analgesics.
But I digress. As Bob Barker supervised showcase showdown after showcase showdown, the weeks blurred into months. My wonderful mother Betty had to take over caring for Harley, since I only emerged from my Price Is Right marathon when I had to take a shit or get more donuts.
Harley fell ill. To my great shame, I exploded in a fit of rage at my mother upon learning this devastating news. Even more tragically, Harley passed away exactly 23 days ago. At his burial, I summoned the balls to accept the blame and forgive my mother. If I hadn’t been so obsessed with Bob Barker, Harley wouldn’t have died, Jarvis wouldn’t be on painkillers, and we’d still be following the inspiring actions of Mike Gatto, Sheriff of Sacramento, Sweetest of the Sweet Dudes.
If I’ve learned anything from this, it’s that Mike Gatto is more important than Bob Barker. May I never forget that lesson.
And with this, the sweet dudes at Mike Gatto Is a Sweet Dude are back in business.
(Daulton Gatto is no relation to Mike Gatto. It is no more than a super sweet, though admittedly suspicious coincidence that they share a surname.)