FORENSIC EXAMINATION: Is Mike Gatto the Burbank Blogger?!

In the world of California political blogs, there are two major players known for their unyielding support of Mike Gatto, former State Assemblyman and one-time candidate for State Treasurer.  Obviously, our blog is at the top of that list.  But often mentioned alongside Mike Gatto is a Sweet Dude, is the lazily titled Burbank Blog.  Like our esteemed site, the Burbank Blog reports favorably on the happening of Mike Gatto.  And also like our site, the Burbank Blog must occasionally fend off the laughable accusation that it is secretly authored by Mike Gatto himself.

Obviously, there’s no way in hell that Mike Gatto — or any politician — would secretly author a site like ours, which has of late been more known for beastiality jokes than political analysis.  Writing filth like ours would be career suicide.  But what about the possibility Mike Gatto is behind the Burbank Blog?  That particular blog is rich with lurid insider gossip and totally devoid of dog boners.  At least in that respect, it seems far more informed and professional than our blog, even though our blog is a million times more entertaining.  But could Mike Gatto actually be the lazily titled “Burbank Blogger” behind the incredibly banal Burbank Blog?  I’ve decided to do a forensic analysis of his recent post, “Party Disunity and the Continuing Priskishness of Anthony Portantino” to see what precious details we can glean about the author’s mysterious identity.

First of all, whoever this dude is, he fucking hates us.  There’s plenty of venom, both overt and sly.  In an article that’s ostensibly about the broader issue of party disunity, 200 of the article’s 350 words are specifically about our site.  That certainly gives the impression that, at least from the perspective of the Burbank Blogger, our site is central to the issue of Democratic disunity.  In reality, our site could give a fuck about the Demcoratic party — the progressive wing or the centrist wing or the chicken wing or whatever-the-fuck else.

We care three things: Mike Gatto, his big dick, and his soft balls.  Those are our only interests here.  So if Anthony Portantino, for example, were to run against Mike Gatto for a State Senate seat, we would hate Anthony Portantino and make fun of his weight.  If, in yet another example, David Lee Roth were to enter the race for California Lieutenant Governor in 2022, we would suddenly find ourselves in the uncomfortable position of having to argue Van Hagar’s superiority to Van Halen.  But we’d happily do it.

This dude is sweet.  But much like Anthony Portantino, he is not as sweet as Mike Gatto.

Another clear indication of the Burbank Blogger’s seething hatred for us is the fact that he won’t ever say our name.  In this most recent article, he describes us as the “revived and reviled Gatto hit-site.”  He also stubbornly refuses to provide a link to our site when discussing it.  I guess he doesn’t want us to earn the $0.0000000000000000000000000000000001 from his three readers’ three click-throughs.  That’ll show us.

But whoever the Burbank Blogger is, he does seem reasonably plugged into the office gossip of progressive wing of the  Democratic Party, possessing at least a passing familiarity with the many consultants and operatives in rival offices. “The site has all the markings of a creation of Portantino campaign consultant Douglas Morrow,” the Burbank Blogger suggests, as if anybody knows who the fuck Douglas Morrow is.  I Googled him and couldn’t find shit.  I can’t imagine this guy’s reputation in Sacramento is so legendary that a blog that’s mostly weed jokes and dog boners somehow has “all the markings of Douglas Morrow,” but if that’s true, I want to hang out with him because he sounds like an extremely sweet dude.

But I’m not going to get my hopes up.  It was only two years ago that the Burbank Blogger was similarly convinced our site was authored by another Portantino operative, one Trent Hager.  I was equally dumbfounded back then because I had no fucking clue who Trent Hager was, let alone why someone would assume he’d be capable of creating years of blog posts, albums of music, and hours of podcasts about Mike Gatto’s dick.  But hey, if that’s the kind of guy Trent Hager is, I wanna meet him.

For a few months, the Burbank Blogger continued to suggest that he had definitive proof that Hager was behind our blog, and that he was waiting until waning days of the election to drop his nuclear bomb on the media.  But the bomb never dropped.  Despite all the hype, the Burbank Blogger never posted any of his evidence and never actually accused anybody of anything.  It was a major let down for the real authors of this blog, who found the Burbank Blogger’s paranoia to be transcendently hilarious and were disappointed to see the story end with a whimper instead of a bang.

That brings me to another theory as to the identity of the Burbank Blogger.  Whoever he is, there is a strong possibility that he may be a paranoid schizophrenic.  When properly medicated, the Burbank Blogger seems capable of astute (if pedestrian) observations about California politics.  But every couple of years, he seems to unravel — likely the result of stopping his medication.  Before long, he’s staying up all night, endlessly researching his wild theories that some obscure rival political consultant is behind one of the the Internet’s countless irreverent blogs about dog boners.  And then finally his wife confronts him… and she tells him it has to stop… and he pulls a gun… and she calls 911… and the cycle of hospitalization, medication, and reintegration begins anew.  Again, that’s all just a theory.  But I doubt the Burbank Blogger would be bothered if I engaged in some baseless, possibly slanderous accusations.  After all, it’s his standard trade.  Consider the closing paragraphs of his recent reflection on party disunity frothy screed against our site:

The site has all the markings of a creation of Portantino campaign consultant Douglas Morrow, an alleged sexual harasser and an alleged sexual blackmailer who allegedly got fired by the State Assembly for allegedly sexual harassing female staffers with alleged sexual blackmail and yet despite all that who Portantino shamelessly hired.  It’s a special kind of lowlife who has to blackmail women for sexual favors but if you’ve ever seen political consultant Doug Morrow you understand the allegations.

On one level, I applaud the crafty manner in which the Burbank Blogger turns the word “alleged” into a joke, totally negating its impact and allowing him to attach some pretty heinous crimes to Douglas Morrow’s good name.  It’s a fiendishly brilliant technique, and one that I hope to employ in my upcoming series of investigative pieces on the Burbank Blogger’s “alleged” sexual obsession with fecal matter.

But I digress.  We aren’t discussing the Burbank Blogger’s alleged shit boner.  No, we’re talking about the Burbank Blogger’s paranoid schizophrenia.  Nothing seems more paranoid and schizophrenicly divorced from reality than the crux of his thesis about our site… that in truth, we do not consider Mike Gatto to be a sweet dude at all.

We’re talking about a site which regularly posts vile filth about Assemblymember Gatto adopting the guise and tone of a fanboy site.  Get it?  The clever folks behind that site think they can fool people by making comments faintly praising of Gatto, while slamming him and using gross language.  Such cunning!

In that excerpt from three piece expose on our site, his diseased mind is somehow able to interpret our adoring fandom as sarcastic.  Once that logical leap is made, he’s able to justify all manner of bizarre conclusions, like the fact that our site must be the work of Portantino operative Trent Hager.  No wait… I mean Douglas Morrow.  Fuck.  I honestly can’t keep all the conspiracy theories straight any more.

So is the Burbank Blog really written by Mike Gatto?  In my final analysis, I would conclude that no, it is not secretly authored by Mike Gatto.  The Burbank Blogger is clearly batshit crazy and “allegedly” into turds.  Mike Gatto is not insane.  He’s the opposite of insane:  Mike Gatto is a sweet dude.

So who could the Burbank Blogger be?  It’s probably just some douche consultant who gets off on passive aggressively trashing his political enemies from the security of an anonymous blog.  But it could also be some douche in Burbank who knows somebody who works in an assembly office and passes along gossip.  It could be any number of douches actually, but I feel reasonably confident in concluding that it’s not Mike Gatto because as previously established, Mike Gatto is not a douche.

Yikes.  My word count is at 1500.  After a few months of nothingness in the race for California State Treasurer, I’m relieved to finally have something I can sink my teeth into.  But I’ve got plenty of other important shit to do today, like smoking weed and taking a shit.  The best part about taking a shit is using my smart phone to watch dogs fuck cats.  Mike Gatto rules.

 

 

 

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Mayor Sam:  Sorry Sacramento Bee, But You Were Scooped by MIKE GATTO IS A SWET DUDE

As Mike Gatto officially withdrew from the 2018 race for California State Treasurer, mainstream media outlets were quick to parrot the Sacramento Bee’s claim of breaking the news.  That news came by way of a random tweet from some douche with a blue check mark next to his name, which in the year 2017, I guess counts as “official” news.

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However, readers of our site were quick to point out how we’d already broken that story a week earlier, when we began compiling the overwhelming evidence that Mike had quietly ducked out of the race when nobody was looking.  We weren’t the only ones who called bullshit on the Sacramento Bee’s bullshit.  None other than Mayor Sam, the king daddy of Gatto-hating shit-rags, sprang to our defense.

But with apologies to Scribe Cadelago there were tell-tale signs via two NOTORIOUS GATTO TRUTHER cyber-sites ………., that the POLITICAL END (for now) was nearing…

That’s only half true.  There was only one site who predicted this political bombshell, and it was this site, Mike Gatto is a Sweet Dude.  Mayor Sam also linked to some stupid bullshit article from the Burbank Blog (more on that later), which makes a bunch of wild and possibly slanderous accusations on a variety of topics, but doesn’t say a damn thing about Mike dropping out of the State Treasurer’s race.  But hey, I guess we shouldn’t expect too much from blogger Scott Johnson, who clearly ate more than his fair share of lead paint chips as a child.

Oh yeah, I’d also like to draw your attention to Johnson’s use of the term “cyber-sites” in the above quote.  LOL.  What the fuck is a cyber-site?  Is that what octogenarians call websites?  Does Scott Johnson still have an AOL.com account for sending and receiving his electronic mail messages?  What a dildo.

Whatever.  I don’t want to get sidetracked in what was intended to be an article complimenting the (somewhat) fine work of Mayor Sam this week.  While they continue to recirculate the infamous “break a rib” video as if it proves Mike Gatto is scum like Matt Dababneh, they at least had the integrity to credit us for scooping every single “legitimate” news source last week when we were the first to report about Mike Gatto’s withdrawal from the 2018 State Treasurer’s race.  Clearly, we rule.  But not as much as this goat that can suck its own dick…

 

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Sweet Dude Week in Review: December 9, 2017

Holy fucking horse boners.

Just when the California state treasurer race had lulled me into thinking it was safe to check into a cheap motel room for a week-long opioid binge, the world goes and fucking ends.

I’m still feeling my methadone, so bear with me if this is a little disjointed. It was a dizzying week here at Mike Gatto Is a Sweet Dude.

Turns out there was a couple massive piles of shit going on behind the scenes. First, a sexual misconduct scandal broke over the California state assembly. While I was floating along on a puffy cloud with God, Jarvis was growing increasingly convinced that Mike Gatto, and his glorious dick and downy-soft balls, were about to be implicated in the widening brouhaha.

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Thankfully, my theory about how Mike Gatto’s state treasurer campaign was quiet because he was too busy jizzing over this perky pair of clothed titties proved to be incorrect.

Turns out that Mike Gatto’s dick must have left no survivors, because he was not accused of any misconduct whatsoever. This extremely sweet news was met with incredulity and defiance by the likes of Scott “Ball Sac” Johnson of the Mayor Sam blog, who continued to push his childish and incendiary agenda to smear Mike Gatto’s good name despite the overwhelming contradictory evidence.

So, fuck those assholes. Right?

Well…yeah. But not so fast. After dodging the sexual misconduct scandal bullet, our very reason for living began crumbling beneath our feet when Jarvis’s prophetic insights proved accurate and Mike Gatto FUCKING WITHDREW FROM THE CALIFORNIA STATE TREASURER RACE to be at home with his fucking whiny fat-ass newborn baby girl. As if that’s how a sweet dude wants to spend his time.

As if that wasn’t enough to send me spiraling deeper into the nether void of opioid addiction, Jarvis panicked, got extremely stoned, questioned his entire existence, shut down our blog, then abruptly reopened it again after the week’s final bit of news broke:

Mike Gatto is planning a run for Lieutenant-Governor of California in 2022. Turns out we do have a reason to live after all — at least for the next four or five years.

How much do you want to bet we’re the #1 result for Google searches of “mike gatto lieutenant governor” by January 2018?

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BREAKING NEWS: Daulton “No Relation to Mike” Gatto Returns from Week-Long Opioid Binge

…did I miss anything?

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MAJOR MINDFUCK: Mike Gatto Plots a Glorious Return to Politics, Resurrecting Mike Gatto is a Sweet Dude

Great news out of Sacramento!  According to the California Secretary of State’s official website, Mike Gatto has already announced his next political masterstroke:  a planned run for the office of Lieutenant Governor.   I know what you’re saying… Didn’t Mike just quit politics, and didn’t you just retire your blog?

Yes and yes.  But shit changes.  Don’t be an asshole, dude.

It really shouldn’t come as much of a surprise.  Mere days before he halfheartedly announced his intention to run for State Treasurer, he was already raising money for a hypothetical Lieutenant Governor run.  Even as we covered Mike’s flaccid jab at State Treasurer, I occasionally speculated that he’d rather be running for Lieutenant Governor.  In fact, that’s what I thought he was planning back when he first ‘retired’ from politics in 2015.

This is obviously great news for the state of California.  But it’s even better news for Jarvis Mitchell and to a lesser extend Daulton Gatto (no relation to Mike Gatto), the two dudes who run this exceptionally sweet blog dedicated to Mike Gatto’s political career, cock, and balls.  Mere hours ago I was forced to announce our blog was ending along with Mike’s political career.  However, since Mike has informally announced his political return by registering his political intentions with the Secretary of State, I’m pleased to formally announce our site’s return to the world of political journalism.

There’s one caveat.  If you’ll notice, the filings for Mike’s Lieutenant Governor run are for the year 2022.  That means we’re looking at four years of fuck-all nothingness to report on.  Or another way of looking at it is, we have four years of dog boners and state beastiality laws to report on.  If we made it through the last four months of the State Treasurer’s race, I’m sure we can make it through the next half-decade leading up to the 2022 Lieutenant Governor’s election.  It’ll be a challenge, but one that I’m sure I’m up to.  Daulton, on the other hand, will probably give it a solid 20% effort.  But I’m sure our readers have come to appreciate the mercurial nature of his sweetness and expect nothing more by this point.

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For once, you are not looking at a picture of a dog boner.

So welcome home!  Thanks to all the loyal members of Gatto-nation who held strong these tumultuous last few hours.  It’s good to be back!  And I’m positively electrified by the prospect of Mike becoming the second most powerful man in the state of California… in 2022!  From there, it’s only a stone’s throw to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue!  Huzzah!

Sincerely,

Jarvis P. Mitchell, CEO of Mike Gatto is a Sweet Dude Worldwide Entertainment Corporation

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This is the End of Everything. Farewell.

Well, fuck.  If you’ve been reading our site over the last hour, then you’re well aware of the fact that Mike Gatto abruptly dropped out of the race for California State Treasurerjust like I predicted a week ago.  On one hand, I’m thrilled to have engaged in Pulitzer Prize-worthy political analysis, but on the other hand, I’m suddenly a rudderless ship adrift in the tempestuous seas of — ah, fuck it.  I can’t even be bothered to finish that shitty metaphor.  I’m freaking out.

Why?  Because we now live in a world in which Mike Gatto is not a politician.  That means we now live in world in which there is absolutely no point to a blog about Mike Gatto’s political career.  Having just finished a paranoia-inducing blunt, and absent the calming influence of my journalistic partner, I’ve been forced to hastily conclude that there is no purpose to anything anymore.  It is within that regard that I officially declare this to be the end of everything.

From this moment forth, the blog known as Mike Gatto is a Sweet Dude has been retired.  If you’ve found our blog through our last few weeks of reporting on Ohio beastiality laws, I’m sorry, but you’ll have to find your news elsewhere.

It’s been an unbelievable honor and privilege to document Mike Gatto’s short but memorable political career.  From his work to protect circumcision rights to his efforts to keep porn condom-free, Mike Gatto has proven himself a tireless champion of sweetness.  To all the loyal members of Gatto-nation, we could not have maintained this endeavor for the better part of a decade without your love and support.  I feel confident I can speak for my partner Daulton Gatto (no relation to Mike Gatto) when I say you mean the world to us.

I’d be lying if I said this was easy for me.  When I imagined my retirement, I imagined sitting in a cabin in the woods, happily blogging about former President Mike Gatto’s efforts to unite the nations of the world in global peace.  But instead it looks like I’ll just be a sad old man, jacking off alone in a cabin.

Signing Off, I am…
Jarvis Mitchell,

CEO of Mike Gatto is a Sweet Dude Worldwide Entertainment Corporation

This emoticon’s eye is jizzing.

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DESPERATION GRIPS GATTO-NATION: Where the Fuck is Daulton Gatto?!

I’m  halfway through smoking that blunt, and it doesn’t seem to have calmed me down yet.  I’ll keep smoking, however, and update you in a few minutes.  But for now, I need to vent… WHERE THE FUCK IS DAULTON GATTO (NO RELATION TO MIKE GATTO)?   Hot on the heels of my prophetic Pulitzer-worthy prognostication about Mike Gatto’s withdrawal from the California State Treasurer’s race, I suddenly find myself facing the existential crisis of whether or not our blog should continue to exist.

It’s times like these that I could use the calm, steadying influence of my best friend and journalistic partner.  But he’s nowhere to be found.  He’s not answering my calls or emails and his mom hasn’t seen him in a few days.  I checked, and nobody at the Glendale Sizzler has seen him since Tuesday.  What the fuck could possibly be more important than me and Mike Gatto?

Did he get caught fingering his own butt at the public library again?  Probably.  But certainly Betty Gatto would have been notified by now.  Did he depart on a mystical quest to find the fabled ‘Man Who Could Suck His Own Dick?”  50/50.  Did he fall in love with a woman and move out of his mom’s house and put this childish blog behind him so he could start a family?  Ha.  No.

Daulton Gatto frequently alludes to rumors of a mysterious dude who can suck his own dick.  He may or may not be a figment of Daulton’s imagination.

I’m really starting to get pissed off because I need someone to tell me it’s all going to be okay, but I don’t know anyone other than Daulton Gatto and a couple waiters at the Glendale Sizzler.  Fuck.  FUCK!!

Now I’m half-inclined to shut the blog down out of spite.  Where the fuck is Daulton Gatto?!!?!?!

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