In the world of California political blogs, there are two major players known for their unyielding support of Mike Gatto, former State Assemblyman and one-time candidate for State Treasurer. Obviously, our blog is at the top of that list. But often mentioned alongside Mike Gatto is a Sweet Dude, is the lazily titled Burbank Blog. Like our esteemed site, the Burbank Blog reports favorably on the happening of Mike Gatto. And also like our site, the Burbank Blog must occasionally fend off the laughable accusation that it is secretly authored by Mike Gatto himself.
Obviously, there’s no way in hell that Mike Gatto — or any politician — would secretly author a site like ours, which has of late been more known for beastiality jokes than political analysis. Writing filth like ours would be career suicide. But what about the possibility Mike Gatto is behind the Burbank Blog? That particular blog is rich with lurid insider gossip and totally devoid of dog boners. At least in that respect, it seems far more informed and professional than our blog, even though our blog is a million times more entertaining. But could Mike Gatto actually be the lazily titled “Burbank Blogger” behind the incredibly banal Burbank Blog? I’ve decided to do a forensic analysis of his recent post, “Party Disunity and the Continuing Priskishness of Anthony Portantino” to see what precious details we can glean about the author’s mysterious identity.
First of all, whoever this dude is, he fucking hates us. There’s plenty of venom, both overt and sly. In an article that’s ostensibly about the broader issue of party disunity, 200 of the article’s 350 words are specifically about our site. That certainly gives the impression that, at least from the perspective of the Burbank Blogger, our site is central to the issue of Democratic disunity. In reality, our site could give a fuck about the Demcoratic party — the progressive wing or the centrist wing or the chicken wing or whatever-the-fuck else.
We care three things: Mike Gatto, his big dick, and his soft balls. Those are our only interests here. So if Anthony Portantino, for example, were to run against Mike Gatto for a State Senate seat, we would hate Anthony Portantino and make fun of his weight. If, in yet another example, David Lee Roth were to enter the race for California Lieutenant Governor in 2022, we would suddenly find ourselves in the uncomfortable position of having to argue Van Hagar’s superiority to Van Halen. But we’d happily do it.
Another clear indication of the Burbank Blogger’s seething hatred for us is the fact that he won’t ever say our name. In this most recent article, he describes us as the “revived and reviled Gatto hit-site.” He also stubbornly refuses to provide a link to our site when discussing it. I guess he doesn’t want us to earn the $0.0000000000000000000000000000000001 from his three readers’ three click-throughs. That’ll show us.
But whoever the Burbank Blogger is, he does seem reasonably plugged into the office gossip of progressive wing of the Democratic Party, possessing at least a passing familiarity with the many consultants and operatives in rival offices. “The site has all the markings of a creation of Portantino campaign consultant Douglas Morrow,” the Burbank Blogger suggests, as if anybody knows who the fuck Douglas Morrow is. I Googled him and couldn’t find shit. I can’t imagine this guy’s reputation in Sacramento is so legendary that a blog that’s mostly weed jokes and dog boners somehow has “all the markings of Douglas Morrow,” but if that’s true, I want to hang out with him because he sounds like an extremely sweet dude.
But I’m not going to get my hopes up. It was only two years ago that the Burbank Blogger was similarly convinced our site was authored by another Portantino operative, one Trent Hager. I was equally dumbfounded back then because I had no fucking clue who Trent Hager was, let alone why someone would assume he’d be capable of creating years of blog posts, albums of music, and hours of podcasts about Mike Gatto’s dick. But hey, if that’s the kind of guy Trent Hager is, I wanna meet him.
For a few months, the Burbank Blogger continued to suggest that he had definitive proof that Hager was behind our blog, and that he was waiting until waning days of the election to drop his nuclear bomb on the media. But the bomb never dropped. Despite all the hype, the Burbank Blogger never posted any of his evidence and never actually accused anybody of anything. It was a major let down for the real authors of this blog, who found the Burbank Blogger’s paranoia to be transcendently hilarious and were disappointed to see the story end with a whimper instead of a bang.
That brings me to another theory as to the identity of the Burbank Blogger. Whoever he is, there is a strong possibility that he may be a paranoid schizophrenic. When properly medicated, the Burbank Blogger seems capable of astute (if pedestrian) observations about California politics. But every couple of years, he seems to unravel — likely the result of stopping his medication. Before long, he’s staying up all night, endlessly researching his wild theories that some obscure rival political consultant is behind one of the the Internet’s countless irreverent blogs about dog boners. And then finally his wife confronts him… and she tells him it has to stop… and he pulls a gun… and she calls 911… and the cycle of hospitalization, medication, and reintegration begins anew. Again, that’s all just a theory. But I doubt the Burbank Blogger would be bothered if I engaged in some baseless, possibly slanderous accusations. After all, it’s his standard trade. Consider the closing paragraphs of his recent
reflection on party disunity frothy screed against our site:
The site has all the markings of a creation of Portantino campaign consultant Douglas Morrow, an alleged sexual harasser and an alleged sexual blackmailer who allegedly got fired by the State Assembly for allegedly sexual harassing female staffers with alleged sexual blackmail and yet despite all that who Portantino shamelessly hired. It’s a special kind of lowlife who has to blackmail women for sexual favors but if you’ve ever seen political consultant Doug Morrow you understand the allegations.
On one level, I applaud the crafty manner in which the Burbank Blogger turns the word “alleged” into a joke, totally negating its impact and allowing him to attach some pretty heinous crimes to Douglas Morrow’s good name. It’s a fiendishly brilliant technique, and one that I hope to employ in my upcoming series of investigative pieces on the Burbank Blogger’s “alleged” sexual obsession with fecal matter.
But I digress. We aren’t discussing the Burbank Blogger’s alleged shit boner. No, we’re talking about the Burbank Blogger’s paranoid schizophrenia. Nothing seems more paranoid and schizophrenicly divorced from reality than the crux of his thesis about our site… that in truth, we do not consider Mike Gatto to be a sweet dude at all.
We’re talking about a site which regularly posts vile filth about Assemblymember Gatto adopting the guise and tone of a fanboy site. Get it? The clever folks behind that site think they can fool people by making comments faintly praising of Gatto, while slamming him and using gross language. Such cunning!
In that excerpt from three piece expose on our site, his diseased mind is somehow able to interpret our adoring fandom as sarcastic. Once that logical leap is made, he’s able to justify all manner of bizarre conclusions, like the fact that our site must be the work of Portantino operative Trent Hager. No wait… I mean Douglas Morrow. Fuck. I honestly can’t keep all the conspiracy theories straight any more.
So is the Burbank Blog really written by Mike Gatto? In my final analysis, I would conclude that no, it is not secretly authored by Mike Gatto. The Burbank Blogger is clearly batshit crazy and “allegedly” into turds. Mike Gatto is not insane. He’s the opposite of insane: Mike Gatto is a sweet dude.
So who could the Burbank Blogger be? It’s probably just some douche consultant who gets off on passive aggressively trashing his political enemies from the security of an anonymous blog. But it could also be some douche in Burbank who knows somebody who works in an assembly office and passes along gossip. It could be any number of douches actually, but I feel reasonably confident in concluding that it’s not Mike Gatto because as previously established, Mike Gatto is not a douche.
Yikes. My word count is at 1500. After a few months of nothingness in the race for California State Treasurer, I’m relieved to finally have something I can sink my teeth into. But I’ve got plenty of other important shit to do today, like smoking weed and taking a shit. The best part about taking a shit is using my smart phone to watch dogs fuck cats. Mike Gatto rules.