Axl/DC SHOCKER: Buckethead to Replace Angus Young

Notorious 80’s rocker Axl Rose shocked the music world again when he recently confirmed rumors that he was joining AC/DC, replacing longtime frontman Brian Johnson.  But that was only the start…

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In a new statement to the press, Axl Rose announced his decision to turn the tables on Angus Young, firing him from his own band and replacing him with avant garde guitarist Buckethead.

“This was not an easy decision to make, but in order to live, nature must sometimes evolve, and in regards to AC/DC, this creative evolution was unfortunately and painfully necessary,” Rose said in a long and convoluted press release.

Rose paid backhanded compliments to Young’s “vintage” sound while arguing the band had failed to grow or creatively develop in any substantial way during his time at the helm.  “In Buckethead, AC/DC has found a visionary talent who can push myself and everyone else on my team achieve our absolute best and take the band to its next level.”

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Angus Young declined to comment, as the terms of his non-disclosure agreement prevent him from discussing AC/DC.

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Mike Gatto Admits to Being a Fucking Machine

We just came across this sweet interview Mike granted the good people at Charter Local Edition.  Mike depicts an outdated government bureaucracy, wildly over-regulating in  some respects while dangerously under-regulating in others.  It’s a fascinating discussion.  But if you want to skip right to the money shot, check out this startling admission from Mike about the secrets of his legislative prowess…

Damn right.

But the video holds some other cool surprises too.  Several times host Brad Pomerance playfully nudges Mike towards admitting his plans to emerge from fake retirement in 3 years to run for state office.  While our site has speculated Mike could run for Lt. Governor, Pomerance seems to think he’ll run for state treasurer instead.  Judging from Mike’s reaction, Pomerance is probably onto something.

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Peace to the Enemies of Gatto

I called Daulton the other day and asked him if we should delete our “Enemies of Mike Gatto” section.  He said no, but it was an interesting conversation nonetheless.

Mike’s semi-retirement from the cutthroat world of Glendale politics has caused a bit of an existential dilemma for our esteemed site.  It will be challenging to cover a politician who is no longer politicking.  And since he won’t be politicking, it stands to reason that he won’t elicit the same degree of scrutiny from the shitty press.  And since the shitty press won’t be saying shitty things about Mike Gatto, then it stands to reason that we won’t need to defend him by calling his critics fat douchebags, fat douchebags who eat their own jizz, or any number of the signature witticisms that have colored our commentary over the years.

Following that train of thought, I concluded that it might be a good idea to not only delete our enemies section, but to methodically review our thousands of news articles and delete the instances in we insulted or antagonized someone who insulted or antagonized Mike Gatto.  Right or wrong, it all seemed like water under the bridge at this point.

But Daulton said no.  He made some excellent points.  First, a methodical review of every time we called somebody a fat douchebag or a fat douchebag who eats his own jizz could take months, and now that we’re working on a podcast and our site’s first feature film, we simply do not have the time to spare.

But second, and more importantly even, our old articles represent an invaluable historical document.  Our mission in founding this site was to chronicle the ascent of a generational leader, from his humble beginnings all the way to Pennsylvania Avenue.  To rewrite our honest accounts of those moments — to sand away the perfectly imperfect edges of history — would be a betrayal of our sacred mission.

As usual, Daulton was right.  But he did suggest I make this public post on the matter, explaining why our defensively offensive posts about Anthony Portantino, the Ottoman Turks or those bizarre foreskin crusaders will remain a part of our site, even if we no longer wish them any ill will.

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Now THIS is a Fucking Video!!!!!

YESSSSS!!!  A YouTube channel known as California Politics recently posted this absolutely bitchin’ video about Mike Gatto.  There isn’t really much about Mike Gatto other than his name and a picture of his face that shows up a couple of times.  But the video does boast some absolutely blistering rock and glorious shots of Sacramento, including buildings, statues, and a bell.  It’s pretty fucking sweet.  But don’t take my word for it!  Watch the video and stop being a major asshole who sucks his own ass!!!!

 

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The 43rd District’s New Democrat Candidates Are Douches Compared to Mike Gatto

A bunch of douchebags and bitches are vying for the impossible task of filling the pants Mike Gatto will vacate in California’s 43rd voting district next year. Mike Gatto is going to continue being a sweet dude and fucking his hot wife out of the glare of the public eye for a couple of years before his inevitable return to public glory. When that happens, I predict it will be accompanied by an epidemic of hot California reporter chicks fingering themselves uncontrollably.

The losers who will run in Mike Gatto’s stomping grounds of Glendale and Los Feliz include the likes of Hall of Fame pitcher Whitey Ford, action superstar Dolph Lundgren and astronaut Buzz Aldrin. Oh, and a bunch of doorknobs and cunts named Dennis Bullock, Ardy Kassakian, Laura Friedman, Andrew Blumenfeld and Rajiv Datal. Of those inferior serfs, I think Kassakian stands the best chance because his surname sounds kind of Armenian.

The lesson I think we can learn from all of this is that Mike Gatto is a sweet dude with a big dick and exceptionally soft balls. No matter who replaces him next year, they are sure to be a limpdick douchebag or stupid bitch.

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(I am no relation to Mike Gatto, but if I ran for state assembly in the 43rd district next year, you better believe I would win solely on the basis that my surname is coincidentally Gatto.)

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Enough of This Stupid Bullshit

You know what?  Fuck this shit.  Once again, we’ve allowed our site to be pulled into the gravitational orbit of a distant planet in the Gattoverse.  Much like the time I had to put my foot down and tell Amanda Lollar and Southern California Real Estate Appraiser Mary Cummins to go fuck themselves, I’m officially declaring enough of this stupid bullshit with the Burbank Blogger and Anthony Portantino.

As long as we’re dealing in outlandish conspiracy theories, how ’bout this one… what if the Burbank Blogger is actually Anthony Portantino, and by accusing us of being Anthony Portantino, they’re encouraging us to escalate our attacks on Anthony Portantino for the sole purpose of allowing Anthony Portantino to play the victim?  They’d be using us against ourselves by accusing of us doing the very thing that they’re doing!

And why do we give a fuck?  It’s not like Mike Gatto is even running against Athony Portantino anymore.  They only reason we continued to give a fuck up to this point is because Portantino and the Burbank Blogger were acting like such fucking dumbasses about it.  But it’s stopped being entertaining.

Let me take this opportunity to remind our readers and ourselves, that this site is about one thing and one thing only:  the unquestionable sweetness of Mike Gatto, future Lt. Governor of California, who possess the biggest of dicks and the softest of balls.

Can I get an Amen?

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Anthony Portantino Shits Himself

As my esteemed colleague Daulton Gatto (no relation to Mike Gatto) recently observed, The Burbank Blogger is the stupidest person in Southern California.  Why?  Because he continues to assert that our awesome site is secretly written by the least awesome person in the world — Anthony Portantino!

Want proof of this ridiculous claim?  Well, they don’t have any.  Or at least none they’re willing to share.  As of yet, all they’ve offered is the laughable suggestion that our mockery of Portantino has been too glib and transparently self-serving to be real.

Obviously, this is bullshit.  Our mockery of Portantino has been up to — if not exceeding — the incredibly high standards to which we hold ourselves.  But just in case anyone out there has any lingering doubts as to whether or not we’re pulling our punches, then let me proudly present this video… of Anthony Portantino… candidate for the State Senate… shitting himself on live TV.

Suck it.

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