Mike Gatto is a Sweet Vlog: Episodes II-IV

If you love Mike Gatto and pictures of animal dicks, then I’ve got a treat for you.  I just posted three new episodes of our vlog series, Mike Gatto is a Sweet Dude.  We cover a range of topical issues like Anthony Portantino, jizzing and looking into your own dick hole.  As Daulton would say, “Smash that LIKE button – leave us a comment – and make sure you subscribe!!”

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Mike Gatto is a Sweet Vlog

After a successful run of hilarious podcasts in 2016, Daulton and I decided to take the concept in a fresh new direction.  Instead of comprehensive 45 minute episodes with a variety of different segments and topics, we’ve decided to produce shorter, punchier and more frequent YouTube video blogs (or ‘vlogs’). So find your nearest dog, get its dick nice and hard, and this pilot episode about Mike Gatto’s choice to leave the race for California State Treasurer.  We’ve got 3 more ready for next week so keep that dog boner hard and stay tuned!

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Mayor Sam Said Something Shitty About Mike Gatto Again

Mayor Sam, the Michael Anthony of political blogs, recently published another dumb article that made fun of Mike Gatto, candidate for California Lieutenant Governor in 2022.  If you like shit that sucks, click on this link and read the whole article for yourself.  If you hate shit that sucks and prefer shit that is sweet, continue reading my summary instead.

In an article entitled “A Bloggin Top 10 Watch List for 2018 and Beyond,” Scott Johnson shits and farts his way through another lame, stale, unfunny piece of crap.  Mike Gatto’s name appears halfway through the list.

7c. State Treasurer Mike Gatto Watch 2018: Reality says ………., NAUGHT!!

Yes, that was blogger Scott Johnson attempting a ‘not’ joke.  While we’re on the topic of Johnson’s dated language, I also want to point out how his persistent use of terms like ‘cyber’ and ‘blogginig’ make him sound like a confused grandfather who still pays $20 bucks a month to keep his @aol address active.

They suck.  I’m bored.

If you think this indictment of Mayor Sam seems to lack our signature vitriol, you can go fuck yourself.  It’s a long way to 2022, and we have to pace ourselves.  Also maybe I’m slightly over Mayor Sam’s tired old bullshit.  Mike Gatto served three terms in the State Assembly and retired as a successful, accomplished and well-liked politician… and that was already two years ago.  So why are those losers at Mayor Sam still wasting their time complaining about him?  Don’t they have any new stories to follow or anything more important to give a shit about in 2018?  Nobody reads their stupid site anymore, and whatever perception of clout they once enjoyed evaporated long ago.

In summary, please help elect Mike Gatto as California’s next Lieutenant Governor in 2022.  He’s the David Lee Roth of politicians.

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“I’m David Lee Gatto, and I approved this message.”

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Sweet Dude Week in Review: January 13, 2018

It was a slow week. I don’t even have a horse cum joke to start with.

Beyond this dude’s exploding balls, very little happened. I’m not sure what to tell you. Mike Gatto did drop out of the State Treasurer race, after all, and it’ll be 2021-2022 before we have any real political news to cover.

I’m sure the usual gamut of dick and animal boner jokes will carry us through the next few years. In the meantime, enjoy this humorous photo of a dude lighting his own balls on fire.

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This Dude’s Balls Exploded And It Wasn’t Sweet At All

If you’re going to Africa, leave your balls at home.  Otherwise, there’s a possibility your balls could explode.  That’s the takeaway from a recent feature in the Daily Mail, which relays the horrifying story of an old dude whose balls literally exploded when they contracted some rare African nutsack disease.

Loyal readers of our site will recall that for years, we have written about exploding nutsacks in a manner which suggested it would be sweet.  Or more precisely, we theorized that exploding balls would be the side effect of achieving some sort of transcendent sweetness.  However the scenario described in this article sounds like a fucking nightmare and has made me totally reconsider what it must be like to actually have your balls explode.

While on a trip to Tunisia, this unsuspecting old dude named David Worsley contracted a disease known as “African salmonella.”  And somehow the infection was localized entirely in his dick and balls.  On the way home from his exotic vacation, his balls started to swell.  Over the next few days, they ballooned to ten times their normal size.

“After the holiday, my testicle had swollen to the size of a grapefruit and it was so heavy it was like it was made of glass,” explained Worsley, whose high school coincidentally elected him “Most Likely to Use Two Great Analogies to Describe His Balls in an Interview With the Daily Mail.”

David’s wife probably thought it was sweet and wanted to motorboat his huge new balls, but David’s doctor warned against it.  “The doctor said I was highly contagious and that I wasn’t allowed to sleep with my wife.”

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This elderly couple on a fixed income now has to survive on just one testicle.

His left nut was particularly inflamed and causing him tremendous pain.  And then it fucking exploded.  “It literally went bang,” Worsley explained. “When the doctor saw it later she said that it was like a volcano exploding. But it was such a relief because the pain had been so bad.”

I don’t know about you, but I feel far wiser and more mature having read that article.  And not just because I’ll be extra careful not to fuck a chicken if I’m ever in Africa.  Beyond that, I feel woke to the painful realities that people with exploding nutsacks must deal with, and how our ignorant and hurtful our portrayal of their struggle has been over the years.

 

 

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Sweet Dude Week in Review: January 6, 2018

Happy new year! I hope you’ve cleaned the caked-on horse cum off your face, because we’ve got quite a recap to cover this week.

Starting with the big news, the Sierra Madre Pig Cock Tattler piled onto the insane “Portantino writes the Sweet Dude blog” conspiracy bandwagon by writing this brazen, poorly researched article before cowering in fear after I issued a completely sensible challenge asking them to integrate certain facts into their wild, crazed theory. This, of course, came after Jarvis completely obliterated the Tattler and Burbank Blogger in an epic annihilation of their pathetic efforts at political journalism.

I mean, just look at this pussy-ass response to my challenge:

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Yeah. I think we’ve given these pathetic retards enough time and attention for now. They’ll inevitably be back with another round of wild accusations, but until then, we’re perfectly content to publish a fresh round of Anthony Portantino fat jokes.

Oh, wait. We aren’t. Or are we? I can’t tell anymore. Check back next week. We’ll likely have figured it out by then.

In other news, we finally got around to reporting on Portantino’s vicious but no-longer-relevant slight of Mike Gatto during an Armenian genocide memorial. “Better late than never,” Jarvis and Daulton agree as they pass a massive blunt back and forth. It also turned out that Portantino’s portliness may also have been linked to the sudden and mysterious closure of a beloved Cedar Rapids all-you-can-eat buffet, and we also broke a groundbreaking story about turds that look like cocks and balls.

This is likely the last round of Portantino hate we’re going to be publishing for a while, so I hope you got your fix. Even if you didn’t, you can always go suck a horse cock to take your mind off it.

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This man is fat. You heard it here first.

In the meantime, we’re going to move forward with a fresh round of entertaining and insightful political commentary that has nothing to do with Anthony Portantino (and little to do with Mike Gatto) until the Pig Fucker Tattler and Burbank Blogger reload.

Strap in. It’s going to be a long road to the 2022 California Lieutenant-Governor election.

 

 

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Sweet Dude Search Terms Report: Q4 2017

It’s time once again for my favorite of all recaps: our quarterly review of the search terms Internetters used to find our super sweet blog.

Here were Q4 2017’s top search terms:

  • squeeze testicles to increase penis
  • can squeezing your balls make your dick grow
  • race for treasurer california 2017
  • race for treasurer california 2017 “fiona ma” (I am personally quite pleased that we ranked well enough for these search terms to draw readers — look out in 2022!)
  • downy ball
  • can your penis grow if u squeeze tecicles (spelling errors not corrected)
  • squeezing balls to increase penis size
  • micro pen for double chin (it’s actually for people who want to try to get high only to be unable to because it’s such a piece of shit, but okay)
  • G Pen sux (it sure does)
  • pig sex gif (we don’t have one, but I wish we did)

In case you’re wondering: no, squeezing your balls will NOT increase your penis size. Also, Mike Gatto dropped out of the State Treasurer race, so we did too. And the Micro G Pen by Grenco Science fucking sucks.

See you in Q1 2018!

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