Online Poker Report: Mike Gatto is a Sweet Dude

Mike Gatto’s starting the 2015 legislative session with a bang!  According to the venerated news site “Online Poker Report” Mike Gatto has pre-filed a new bill that seeks to legalize online gambling in California.  This would be sweet for a number of critical reasons.

First, gambling is extremely sweet.  Dudes who gamble tend to be cooler, more brazen and more swashbuckling than your typical ballsless douchebags.  Gamblers have awesome names and fuck hot chicks and do free blow all night in their free hotel rooms.

Two, there are some ways it could benefit the economy.

But three, this reason is extremely personal to the dudes at this site.  Our own crusading journalist, Daulton Gatto (no relation to Mike Gatto), loves playing poker.  Sometimes he goes to casinos, but that sucks because he has to put on pants and stop masturbating.  However, by using multiple tabs on Internet Explorer, Daulton is able to watch pornography while simultaneously playing online poker.  By using one hand on the mouse and the other hand to slowly masturbate himself, he can maintain a low-simmering boner for up to 12 hours, giving him the confidence and determination he needs to dominate at poker.

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As we reported a long ass time ago, some online poker forums had been lobbying Gatto to take up their cause.  In his exhaustively thorough interview with Online Poker Report, Gatto explains how he’s been studying the issue for 14 years.  Apparently, he’d drawn up a bill for the last legislative session, but was asked by ranking Democrats to defer to an elder assemblyman’s shitty attempt at a bill.

That dumbass may have failed, but Gatto seems to have learned from that failure.  He’s identified ways to address concerns over money laundering and underage gambling that churches and other pussies have expressed.  His new bill would require would-be gamblers to apply and be approved by a “licensed validator.”  If that sounds frighteningly close to a DMV visit, take heart.   Gatto goes on to make it sound much sweeter:

“That local establishment could do lots of things. They could sign them up for their rewards programs, they might even get to play a game that day, and they would take a percentage of the transaction. They would be, for all intents and purposes, a branch, just like a bank branch.”

So basically we could have virtual online casinos on every block just like Bank of America?  Fucking sweet.  Tits rule.

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9 Steamy “Mike Gatto Nude” Pixxx from Google Image Search

Google is a website anybody can use to look up information on the world wide web.  Like just for example, say you wanted to see nude pics of California State Assemblyman Mike Gatto… just type that shit in and click the blue magnifying glass.  Here are the 9 steamiest pics of Mike Gatto nude that I just found.*

(* Editors Note:  We’ve put in a request to Assemblyman Gatto’s office to either confirm or deny the legitimacy of these images.  For now, we can only assume they’re 100% real.)

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8.  It’s hard to tell whether or not that’s Mike behind the shades.  But those abs don’t lie.


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7.  4×4?  Try more like 12×4!

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9.  I’d spangle that banner til Mike Gatto saw stars.

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6.  This pic looks strikingly similar to the long-rumored “Mike Gatto Shirtless” pic reportedly floating around the Internet in a cropped version.

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5.  Stranded with Mike Gatto in a Brazilian rainforest?  With nothing to eat but each other’s desire?  More please!!

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4.  When I see this pic of Mike Gatto, it makes me think of sucking Mike Gatto’s dick.

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3.  Incontrovertible proof that Mike Gatto waxes his junk?  We’ll keep you posted as soon as his office comments.

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2.  What the fuck is this bullshit?  Google fucking sucks.

images1.  What has four thumbs and wants to clean seaman Gatto’s poop deck?  These dudes.

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This Year I’m Thankful for Mike Gatto

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I’m going to get superfuckeduphammered drunk.  So while I can still type, I thought it would be a good idea to briefly reflect on all that I am thankful for this year.  But the sad truth is, there ain’t much.

Ebola and Republicans dominated the news.  Axl Rose just keeps getting fatter and still won’t reunite with Slash.  Meanwhile, Slash keeps making shitty solo albums that fucking suck.  I bought a Micro-G Pen from Grenco Sciences, and it fucking broke because it was shitty and sucked.

And what’s up with the dollar menus at fast food places?  You can’t get shit for a dollar anymore.  So now it’s a “Value Menu.”  Fuck that.  You know what’s a value?  Paying a dollar for a shitty cheeseburger.  Paying $1.89 is a slap in the face.  Fuck Taco Bell and KFC too.  That shit is outrageously overpriced now.

So basically, everything sucks except Mike Gatto.  He is a sweet dude with a giant horse cock who doesn’t take shit from anybody — not some punkass state senator, not Azerbaijan, not Nathan J. Winograd, not Todd Royal or Abu al-Bakr Baghdadi, and sure as fuck not “Bukkake” Ron Kaye.

So when I eat a bunch of food and drink until I puke it all back up again, I will do so in honor of the one and only thing for which I am genuinely thankful this year:  Mike Gatto, the dude with the imperious sneer, the horse cock and the mighty nutsack of sweetness.

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5 Easy Tips to Avoid Getting Raped by Bill Cosby

Bill Cosby is more than a funny guy on TV — he’s also a serial rapist whose 30 year, cross country rape-spree has been largely ignored by the media and the justice system.  Since nobody else is interested in protecting you, you’ll need to protect yourself.  Here are 5 easy tips to avoid getting raped by Bill Cosby.

5.  Avoid Bill Cosby

This one might seem obvious, but the best way to keep Bill Cosby from raping you is to stay as far away from Bill Cosby as possible.  Sure, he’s funny and beloved and powerful… but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s a rapist.

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4.  Be a Man

Bill Cosby’s rape victim’s all share one striking similarity… they’re all women.  So to avoid being raped by Bill Cosby, simply do not be a woman.

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3.  Bite His Penis Off

As Don Lemon, an CNN anchor recently suggested during an interview with one of Cosby’s victims, the easiest way to not get raped by Bill Cosby is to simply bite his penis off.  Like, duh.  Take it from the most trusted name in news:  If Bill Cosby rapes you and you don’t bite his penis off, you only have yourself to blame.

2.  Surgically Remove Your Vagina/Rectum/Mouth

Where you gonna put that bonner now, smart guy?  Sure, stitching your orifices up may seem drastic, but how badly do you not want to get raped by Bill Cosby?

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1.  Kill Yourself

Would Bill Cosby rape a corpse?  Probably not.

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Mike Gatto OBLITERATES Todd Royal

With 100 percent of precincts reporting, Mike Gatto has been declared the official winner in the race for California’s 43rd Assembly District.  He won with a whopping 66% of the vote, trouncing and humiliating Todd Royal, the Republican party’s sacrificial lamb.

In what was an otherwise bleak year for Democrats across the nation, Gatto showed what’s possible when the party drafts candidates with giant horse cocks and great big balls of steel.  People don’t vote with their minds… the vote with their dicks and pussies.

So suck my dick, eat my nuts and lick my ass!  Mike Gatto is a boner owner.  Todd Royal is a boner dethroner.  Since this is Mike’s third win, he’ll now be termed out of the State Assembly.  So maybe this time next year, we will be congratulating Councilman Gatto on his next triumphant victory.  IMG_1649

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We Officially Endorse Mike Gatto Because He is a Sweet Dude

Today is election day, and the authors of Mike Gatto is a Sweet Dude have decided to offer their official endorsement to Mike Gatto in the race for California’s 43rd State Assembly District because he is a fucking sweet dude with a giant horse cock and two great big balls of steel.

Throughout the course of this heated campaign, we have refrained from officially endorsing either candidate.  We felt that our role as journalists necessitated a certain degree of objective impartiality.  Thankfully, we no longer need to maintain that charade.  Now that it’s election day, we’re free to openly admit what every sensible voter in the 43rd district already knows… Mike Gatto is a fucking sweet dude with a giant horse cock and two great big balls of steel.

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On the other hand, we would like to officially declare that Todd Royal is a giant douche-turd.  For those who don’t know, a douche-turd is the turd that oozes out of someone’s vagina after she douches with a turd.  Douche-turd = not sweet, dude.

There are a lot of reasons we’d endorse Mike Gatto, including his triumphant film and TV tax incentive bill, his new laws cracking down on hit and run drivers, and his tireless defense of the Nagorno Karabakh Republic.  But in the end, it all comes down to one issue… Sweetness.

Mike Gatto was, is and will forever be an extremely sweet dude.  Meanwhile, Todd Royal is about as sweet as a turd that oozes out of someone’s vagina after she douches with a turd.  We hope voters will remember this when they vote today.

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ISIS Will Kill Itself

ISIS is so full of shit.  First, they convince everybody they’re taking over the Middle East, when they’re not.  Then their leader started sucking all those animal boners.  Now everybody’s all worried about how we’re going to kill those assholes, when in reality they’re just going to kill themselves.

Here’s why… because it’s a lot easier to be a terrorist group than it is to be a functioning country.  It’s a lot easier to spend your days cutting off little girls’ clits than it is to supply water, food, law enforcement, healthcare, and any other basic social services to a reliant population.

Some dumbasses on dumbass cable news like to make a big deal about how much money ISIS is bringing in, mainly through oil sales, and sure… the idea of making a million bucks a day seems pretty impressive.  But that doesn’t begin to cover ISIS’s mounting costs of operation.  They also have to pay for the government itself — the leaders and bureaucrats and all their administration and facilities.  They have to pay tribal leaders in other regions.  And they have to pay the mounting costs of not only their soldiers, but the multiple families of dependents that each soldier has.

Take Mosul, the biggest city under ISIS’s control with a population of nearly two million.  They’ve only been in charge for five months, but there are already food shortages.  The price of kerosene, which is used to cook, has already tripled.

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi clearly bit off more than he could chew when he prematurely declared the formation of a new country.  It’s going to be funny as shit to watch this all blow up in his face (no pun intended) when his teeming masses revolt and his precious caliphate goes the way of every other dysfunctional Muslim state before it.  Lol.

Jesus thanks Mike Gatto for ejaculating in his eye.

Jesus thanks Mike Gatto for ejaculating in his eye.

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