If you’re going to Africa, leave your balls at home. Otherwise, there’s a possibility your balls could explode. That’s the takeaway from a recent feature in the Daily Mail, which relays the horrifying story of an old dude whose balls literally exploded when they contracted some rare African nutsack disease.
Loyal readers of our site will recall that for years, we have written about exploding nutsacks in a manner which suggested it would be sweet. Or more precisely, we theorized that exploding balls would be the side effect of achieving some sort of transcendent sweetness. However the scenario described in this article sounds like a fucking nightmare and has made me totally reconsider what it must be like to actually have your balls explode.
While on a trip to Tunisia, this unsuspecting old dude named David Worsley contracted a disease known as “African salmonella.” And somehow the infection was localized entirely in his dick and balls. On the way home from his exotic vacation, his balls started to swell. Over the next few days, they ballooned to ten times their normal size.
“After the holiday, my testicle had swollen to the size of a grapefruit and it was so heavy it was like it was made of glass,” explained Worsley, whose high school coincidentally elected him “Most Likely to Use Two Great Analogies to Describe His Balls in an Interview With the Daily Mail.”
David’s wife probably thought it was sweet and wanted to motorboat his huge new balls, but David’s doctor warned against it. “The doctor said I was highly contagious and that I wasn’t allowed to sleep with my wife.”
His left nut was particularly inflamed and causing him tremendous pain. And then it fucking exploded. “It literally went bang,” Worsley explained. “When the doctor saw it later she said that it was like a volcano exploding. But it was such a relief because the pain had been so bad.”
I don’t know about you, but I feel far wiser and more mature having read that article. And not just because I’ll be extra careful not to fuck a chicken if I’m ever in Africa. Beyond that, I feel woke to the painful realities that people with exploding nutsacks must deal with, and how our ignorant and hurtful our portrayal of their struggle has been over the years.