If You’ve Ever Been Curious About How Semen is Collected for the Purposes of Dog Breeding, This Video is a Great Place to Start

Hey you!  I bet you love dogs, right?  Sure, we all do.  But how have you ever stopped to wonder how dog breeders get all that dog jizz?  Sure, we all have.  But the answer to that question is a lot more complicated than just getting some dogs to fuck.  No sir, scientists have to manually extract the jizz from the male dog’s boner, and then manually insert it into the female dog’s pussy.


I gotta be honest, I’ve watched this video a few times now, and I still don’t know.  I do know that this video is pretty fucking hilarious though.  

I don’t speak Spanish, so I can’t be exactly sure of what they’re saying.  But it starts with this timid, uncertain girl jerking off a giant dog boner.  She’s obviously a little unsure how to make it jizz, so this other dude behind her is like, “here let me show you how to do it.”

Then grips the dog’s boner with more skill and technique.  He holds it firmly and tightly right at the base of the shaft like a cock ring and is like, “now that’s how you jerk a dog off.”  Then he goes to town on the dog boner.  Then some people behind him start laughing, which really seems to annoy him, but he’s a total professional and refuses to let their immaturity denigrate his commitment to craft.

This video is sweet.  I mean… I think it’s sweet.  Actually, it might not be sweet.  Maybe it’s sweet in some ways but then sucks in others.  There’s something creepy about seeing a bunch of people calmly and asexually jerking a dog off.  It would almost make more sense to me if they were jerking off a dog just because they liked jerking dogs off, and not because it was part of some joyless ritual.

There’s something deeply unnatural about a room full of clinical people in lab coats and rubber gloves jerking off dog boners in the name of science.  It kinda makes me feel like somewhere along the line humanity went profoundly off course.  Sure, each individual step in the process leading up to that dog jizzing makes perfect sense… we want companions, so we get pets… we want dog breeds, so we need dog breeders… totally logical, right?

But I don’t know… just imagine a bunch of monkeys jerking off a cat.  It’s total fucking insanity.  But what’s the real difference between scientists jerking off dogs and monkeys jerking off cats?   A couple chromosomes at most.

In summary, if you’ve ever been curious about how semen is collected for the purposes of dog breeding, this video is a good place to start.

(Author’s Note:  If you jerk a dog off because you like jerking dogs off, you’re a pervert and your videos would be banned from YouTube.  But if you jerk a dog off for money, then you’re a dog breeder and it’s all perfectly logical and legal and won’t violate YouTube’s terms of service.)

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

What Does a State Treasurer Do?

If you’re like me, you’re so excited about Mike Gatto running for California State Treasurer that you have to go jerk off in the work bathroom three times a day.  But if you’re like me, then you’re also slightly curious about what the fuck a State Treasurer is.  That’s why I decided to use Google.com to do some research and relay some critical information about the office of State Treasurer, to which Mike Gatto and his big dick will be elected on November 6th, 2018.

According to my source, “the state treasurer serves as the chief custodian of each state’s treasury and as the state’s head banker.”  That rules.  Dude, the idea of Mike Gatto being the head banker is so sweet I have to go beat my meat again.

Okay, I’m back from beating my meat and can continue elaborating the role of a state treasurer.  Google further explains that “typically, (the state treasurer) receives and deposits state monies, manages investments and keeps track of budget surpluses and deficits.”  Dude, that sound exactly like the kind of shit Mike Gatto would excel at.  Don’t forget, he was the head of the all powerful Appropriations Committee and created the state’s “rainy day fund” for the specific purpose of managing budget surpluses.   Now my balls are starting to tingle.

Here are a bunch of links to more detailed information on what a state treasurer does.  If you care, you can do some further reading.  Personally, my curiosity was satisfied by the first thing I read on Google.  I love computers.  They are so sweet and make it so easy to find information about politics and porn for beating your meat.

Speaking of beating your meat, here’s a song called “I Beat My Meat” by XXL 2017 Freshman Class inductee Ugly God.  I love beating my meat, and I love dudes who sing silly songs and do silly dances about beating their meats too.

“I beat my meat severely like my penis was my rival.”  Hahahahaha.  Good one, Ugly God.  That’s funny as shit.  Mike Gatto is going to make the sweetest State Treasurer in the history of California, and I’m going to beat my meat.  Thanks Google!!!!!

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Sweet Dude Week in Review: October 14, 2017

It was a slow news week here at Mike Gatto Is a Sweet Dude, but that doesn’t mean Jarvis and I weren’t getting super stoned. In fact, I got stoned every day this week, marking the first time I’ve done that in quite a while. My favorite new pastime is eating whipped cream right out of the container with a spoon and saying, “Mike Gatto is a sweet dude” over and over with creamy drool that looks like jizz dribbling out the corners of my mouth.


The race to the California state treasurer’s office seems to be in a bit of a lull as Mike Gatto fucks tons of hot chicks and Fiona Ma tries desperately to figure out how she might look sexier. (My two cents: miniskirts and push-up bras usually work.) This is good news for you, since it means you’ll only have to peruse a short summary before you can go back to licking and sucking animal boners.

This week’s top stories:

  • Daulton muses on what might have been were he not too old to go to all-night dance parties and ingest large quantities of mystery pills
  • Jarvis and Daulton have a minor disagreement on whether Fiona Ma is sweet or sucks for her bizarre propensity to tweet about human and animal feces
  • Daulton takes the position that Fiona Ma’s shit tweets are unprofessional and leave her unworthy of sharing a candidacy ballot with the likes of Mike “Stalwart Stallion” Gatto
  • Jarvis makes a compelling but fundamentally flawed counterpoint in defense of the shit tweets and their inherent sweetness
  • Daulton pledges to pen an opinion piece commenting on the counterpoint, but gets too stoned, suffers and inexplicable case of writer’s block, and instead elects to watch cringe compilations on YouTube

That just about wraps up this week’s developments. For keyword purposes, I’d like to remind you that Mike Gatto is running for state treasurer in 2018, and despite mine and Jarvis’s recent disagreement, we are united in our belief that he is a sweet dude who will easily beat Fiona Ma in the primaries.


Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

COUNTERPOINT: California State Treasurer Candidate Fiona Ma’s Obsession With Excrement is Actually Sweet

When it comes to most things in life, the editors of this site are in total agreement.  For instance, we both think California State Treasurer Candidate Mike Gatto is a sweet dude.  We agree that his dick is huge and awesome.  And of course we both agree that his balls are softer than silk.  Our agreement on these core principles means Daulton and I can avoid conflict about 95% of the time.

But yet another way of looking at that impressive statistic is that Daulton and I disagree 5% of the time.

One such disagreement recently flared when Daulton Gatto (who for journalistic reasons, I should remind you is of no relation to Mike Gatto) penned an opinion piece about Fiona Ma’s strange obsession with fecal matter.  For those of you who missed it, Fiona Ma drew headlines in San Francisco over the years for her propensity to tweet about feces — human and animal.  Daulton excoriated her for a lack of professionalism and respect for the dignity of her elected office.  While his essay was well-researched and persuasively argued, I reject his central thesis as flawed, principally because I think shit is sweet.

I understand there are many people who do not share that assessment and consider turds to be gross and unfunny.  Daulton Gatto, however, is not one of those people.  So his outrage over Fiona Ma’s obsessive shit-tweeting was manufactured at best and hypocritical at worst.  Daulton Gatto loves turds and shit and and farts and diarrhea and sharts.  Basically, if it comes out of his ass and it’s not a dick, Daulton Gatto thinks it’s hilarious.

But there is a larger issue at stake beyond the subjective humor of turds, and that is the objective standards of respectable journalism.  Daulton’s reflexive desire to criticize everything about Fiona Ma risks undermining our credibility as a news source on the 2018 race for California State Treasurer.

That’s not to say that Fiona Ma doesn’t deserve plenty of criticism, which I’m happy to revel in.  Like for instance, I do think she has an inclination to legislate personal grievances that don’t really affect the broad and diverse California electorate — like for instance the plasticized corpses bill or the bill easing her personal commute.  I also think she can occasionally engage in reactionary legislative overreach that seems more geared towards generating publicity than actually affecting meaningful change — like her notoriously failed anti-raves bill.  But I think those criticisms could be leveled at most politicians in California and around the world (including, from time to time, our own beloved Mike Gatto).  And the truth is, for every stupid bill of Fiona Ma’s that I can hilariously mock, there’s another 20 that are pretty sweet.

The point is, Fiona Ma sucks compared to Mike Gatto, who is the sweetest dude with the biggest dick and the softest balls.  But Fiona Ma isn’t Ron Kaye.  She hasn’t made a career out of attacking Mike Gatto, so I don’t think it’s fair that we make our career attacking her.  And in my opinion, that means mocking her when it’s deserved but not falling into the trap of caricaturing her every word or action.  Long term, such obvious journalistic bias will jeopardize our reputation as a trusted source of news about Sacramento politics and animal boners.  And I’ve invested far too many hours writing about the interesection politics and animal boners to throw it all away for some cheap shit jokes.

Ultimately, it comes down to this… If Mike Gatto tweeted about people shitting or animals spraying diarrhea out their asses, I know my first impulse would be to smoke a blunt and blog about how sweet Mike Gatto is for tweeting about doodoo.  I’m confident Daulton Gatto would react the same way.

(Author’s Note:  I just remembered I wrote about this very topic the other day, when I penned my editorial on 10 Legitimately Sweet Things About Fiona Ma.  Skip ahead to #3 to see my commendation for shit-tweeting.)

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Yet Another Installment of “Shit We Couldn’t Make Up No Matter How Much Weed We Smoked”: Fiona Ma’s Legacy of Tweeting about Shit. Literally Shit. As In ‘Human Fecal Matter.’ No, I’m not high (unfortunately). This is actual, literal shit that actually, literally happened.

Ma’s Twitter meltdown took place between September 2009 and September 2010

Her stunning lack of tact clearly reveals unresolved childhood psychological issues surrounding shit and assholes

Jesus fucking Christ. Not even 24 hours have passed since I penned my last installment of “Shit We Couldn’t Make Up No Matter How Much Weed We Smoked” and I’m back at it again. But this is what happens when Jarvis alerts me to a string of dated yet explosive articles about Fiona Ma’s fucking bizarre legacy of taking to Twitter to talk about literal human feces.

These gems were first reported in 2009 and 2010 by San Francisco Weekly, which is generally a piece of garbage publication that only morons read but proved to be a gold mine in this case.


In September 2009, Fiona Ma was well into her lackluster career as an Assemblywoman when she tweeted this:

“Mtg w/ Chris Parker, a tax atty for the Franchise Tax Bd running 4 Bd of Equalization District 2. His 1st job was shoveling manure. Cool!”

Okay, now granted, I don’t know who Chris Parker is and I don’t really care. For argument’s sake, let’s assume he’s a ballsless douche. Even in that case, this kind of vicious personal attack just isn’t called for.

The following month, Ma was up to her fecal antics again. This time, she took to Twitter to talk about bovine diarrhea for some reason I’m still struggling to comprehend. As I said at the outset, this is shit we couldn’t make up in a million years, even if we had a dump truck full of designer bud.

Let that sink in for a second. A potential future state treasurer who tweets about bovine diarrhea while she’s a sitting Assemblywoman. Is nothing sacred? What’s next? A blog about Mike Gatto’s giant dick?

Moving on…

Fast-forward to January 2010, when Ma hurled some passive-aggressive dirt at some chick named Melissa Fox.

I know what you’re wondering: is Melissa Fox actually a fox? Judge for yourself:


Since Fox isn’t running against Mike Gatto, I have no incentive or reason to attack her physical appearance. In all honesty, she’s actually quite a beautiful woman. That’s one sexy dog, too. I bet it has a big dick.

Anyway, at the time, Fox was a candidate in an AD70 special election. Here’s what Ma had to say:

“Fun facts re AD70 Candidate Melissa Fox: Park Ranger Reserve, adoptee, blues singer, raises red wrigglers 4 worm tea (poop) for her garden.”

Yes, that’s right. Another tweet, another shit reference.

If you’ve been following our blog the past couple of weeks, you’ll notice a pretty unflattering picture of Fiona Ma starting to emerge: a privileged, lazy, ill-informed, self-entitled likely coprohiliac with a propensity for wasting taxpayer money and reveling in legislative overreach.

You’ll also know that we’ve uncovered some fictitious albeit fun “facts” of our own about Fiona Ma:

And that’s just a few off the top of my head.

Then, in September 2010, San Francisco Weekly reported that Ma actually won some kind of bullshit award for being the city’s best political tweeter. The bar’s obviously not that high, since one of her award-winning tweets was about literal batshit.

Finally, there’s also a shitty PowerPoint presentation on Prezi by Fiona Ma that’s got to do with E.Coli bacteria. You know…the ones you get from eating shit or drinking water with decomposed shit in it.


By this point, you’re thinking one of two things: “What the actual fuck?” or “Man, I could sure go for some 6-layer 7-layer dip.” So let me try to tie all this together so we can all just get back to our bean burritos and lesbian porn marathons.

Here’s my take:

Fiona Ma is stuck in Freud’s anal phase of psychosexual development. Nothing else could possibly explain her simultaneous penchants for obsessively tweeting about shit, shitting in public pools, supporting shitty legislation, and attracting endorsements from fat dudes with diarrhea.

Mike Gatto, by contrast, has quite clearly moved through all five psychosexual developmental phases with ease, and has comfortably settled into the genital phase of healthy adulthood. He will be California’s next state treasurer, and if I was gay, I would be happy to suck his throbbing, delicious boner.



Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

COMMENTARY: I Wish I Was At the Rave Fiona Ma Attended

Fiona Ma’s failed failed anti-rave bill is old news by now, but I still wish like fuck that I had been at the rave she actually went to.

I did a bit of raving back in my day. EDM isn’t really my thing, but the chicks were hot and the drugs were good, so I got fucked up at all-night dance parties every now and then like every good member of my generation. One of the most memorable takeaways I have from those days is the massive discrepancy between how hot a chick can look under black lights to a guy who’s high as fuck on E, and how shitty the same chick can look when you see her outside the club when your drugs have worn off and the sun is coming up…

…which brings me to Fiona Ma. As has already been well-documented on this site, Fiona Ma is quite clearly the second most attractive candidate to declare for the 2018 California state treasurer election thus far (out of two), and has a proven track record of not actually being as hot as she would look under black lights at a rave.

But if I’d run into her at a party while high AF on E, I doubt I’d have cared. Fiona Ma obviously didn’t have the figurative balls to put her money where her mouth is and go all-in. If she really wanted to know what raving was all about, her carefully orchestrated public appearance would have included her buying questionable mystery pills off a shady dude in a candy-striped suit, popping them just to see what happens, and spending the next eight hours rubbing everything she can find against her lips.


(This is an approximation of how hot Fiona Ma might have looked to someone high as fuck on ecstasy.)

Hell, that might have made her AB-74 Assembly Bill worth reading about. As it stands, her pile of shit legislation wound up achieving nothing. Oh wait, not “nothing.” It made it so rave promoters had to file an “emergency action plan” before herding hundreds of young drug users into an abandoned warehouse for a night of no-holds-barred partying.

That’s your tax dollars at work, California. Vote Fiona Ma for California state treasurer in 2018 if you want to be a stupid asshole who supports candidates with a legacy of wasting time and money over useless bullshit.


(The blue pill makes you big, the red pill makes you small, and the yellow pill makes you want to eat jizz.)

Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Sweet Dude Week in Review: October 7, 2017

Another week, another explosion of sweetness here at Mike Gatto Is a Sweet Dude. It’s Saturday, and that means you need to take a break from sucking horse boners before your jaw seizes up. So here’s the rundown of this week’s top stories:

Another week, another unbelievable collection of zany headlines. Keep your eyes on our blog as the race to the 2018 California state treasurer election continues to heat up!


(I’ll see my doctor all right. Don’t you worry about that.)

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment