We admit it. We were stung when Mike “King of Sweetness” Gatto decided to bow out of the 2018 California state treasurer race so he could have more time to be a family man and make money in the private sector. But life went on. Jarvis got a big bag of weed, I found a new source of black market opioids, and there are tens of thousands of hours of game shows to watch on YouTube. So, when news broke this morning of Fiona Ma’s big win in the Democrat primary, I took a second to pause and mentally congratulate her before tossing back 80mg of oxycodone with my morning coffee.
I guess that counts as news of Mike Gatto, even though this is technically more of a story about the absence of news of Mike Gatto. Whatever. If anyone cares, it happened. We’re only bothering to report on it because we had been following the campaign back when Mike was still a candidate and, inspired by the novel idea of “fake news,” we pumped out a bunch of obvious bullshit stories about Fiona Ma’s bad Al Pacino impression or her fake endorsement from Limp Bizkit. But it turned out to be all of nothing.
And since Mike Gatto is out of politics for the foreseeable future, there probably won’t be another update for a while. Booooooooooooring.
This post was edited by Jarvis Mitchell to remove lame jokes from Daulton.
After the recent school shooting in Florida left 17 dead, Republican leadership today announced a bold new plan to strengthen security in Congress by allowing citizens to open carry firearms within the capitol building itself. The new rule will apply to the floor of Congress as well as all Congressional office buildings.
“If these tragic mass shootings have taught us anything, it’s that gun-free zones simply do not work,” said Speaker of the House Paul Ryan. “Yet every day, brave Congressmen and women are forced to risk their lives by reporting to work in one of the most strictly enforced gun-free zones in the world… The U.S. Congress. All that changes today.”
The announcement was met with relief in Washington, where lawmakers’ fears of a mass shooting were finally put to rest by the promise of hundreds of armed strangers secretly carrying loaded guns throughout their workspaces. “As we all know, the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun,” Mitch McConnel explained. “Therefore, it’s absolutely critical that we surround ourselves with as many potential good guys as possible.”
Although local gun control measures in Washington D.C. are some of the strictest in the nation, the new Open Carry Congress law would effectively void those restrictions by recognizing open carry permits from other states. “If allowing citizens to open carry throughout the country is what’s right for America, then it’s also what’s right for Congress,” Ryan declared. “Anything less would seem insultingly hypocritical to anyone with an I.Q. over four.”
The NRA was quick to declare victory. “This is a proud day for the rule of law,” NRA President Wayne Lapierre said. “Finally, anyone anywhere in America — just as long as they aren’t mentally ill — can buy an AR-15 semi-automatic riffle, drive it across the country, and voluntarily patrol the halls of Congress.”
“I feel so much safer already,” said McConnell as he suddenly found himself subjected to the same gun laws as the rest of America.
If you love Mike Gatto and pictures of animal dicks, then I’ve got a treat for you. I just posted three new episodes of our vlog series, Mike Gatto is a Sweet Vlog. We cover a range of topical issues like Anthony Portantino, jizzing and looking into your own dick hole. As Daulton would say, “Smash that LIKE button – leave us a comment – and make sure you subscribe!!”
After a successful run of hilarious podcasts in 2016, Daulton and I decided to take the concept in a fresh new direction. Instead of comprehensive 45 minute episodes with a variety of different segments and topics, we’ve decided to produce shorter, punchier and more frequent YouTube video blogs (or ‘vlogs’). So find your nearest dog, get its dick nice and hard, and this pilot episode about Mike Gatto’s choice to leave the race for California State Treasurer. We’ve got 3 more ready for next week so keep that dog boner hard and stay tuned!
Mayor Sam, the Michael Anthony of political blogs, recently published another dumb article that made fun of Mike Gatto, candidate for California Lieutenant Governor in 2022. If you like shit that sucks, click on this link and read the whole article for yourself. If you hate shit that sucks and prefer shit that is sweet, continue reading my summary instead.
In an article entitled “A Bloggin Top 10 Watch List for 2018 and Beyond,” Scott Johnson shits and farts his way through another lame, stale, unfunny piece of crap. Mike Gatto’s name appears halfway through the list.
7c. State Treasurer Mike Gatto Watch 2018: Reality says ………., NAUGHT!!
Yes, that was blogger Scott Johnson attempting a ‘not’ joke. While we’re on the topic of Johnson’s dated language, I also want to point out how his persistent use of terms like ‘cyber’ and ‘blogginig’ make him sound like a confused grandfather who still pays $20 bucks a month to keep his @aol address active.
They suck. I’m bored.
If you think this indictment of Mayor Sam seems to lack our signature vitriol, you can go fuck yourself. It’s a long way to 2022, and we have to pace ourselves. Also maybe I’m slightly over Mayor Sam’s tired old bullshit. Mike Gatto served three terms in the State Assembly and retired as a successful, accomplished and well-liked politician… and that was already two years ago. So why are those losers at Mayor Sam still wasting their time complaining about him? Don’t they have any new stories to follow or anything more important to give a shit about in 2018? Nobody reads their stupid site anymore, and whatever perception of clout they once enjoyed evaporated long ago.
In summary, please help elect Mike Gatto as California’s next Lieutenant Governor in 2022. He’s the David Lee Roth of politicians.
“I’m David Lee Gatto, and I approved this message.”
It was a slow week. I don’t even have a horse cum joke to start with.
Beyond this dude’s exploding balls, very little happened. I’m not sure what to tell you. Mike Gatto did drop out of the State Treasurer race, after all, and it’ll be 2021-2022 before we have any real political news to cover.
I’m sure the usual gamut of dick and animal boner jokes will carry us through the next few years. In the meantime, enjoy this humorous photo of a dude lighting his own balls on fire.
If you’re going to Africa, leave your balls at home. Otherwise, there’s a possibility your balls could explode. That’s the takeaway from a recent feature in the Daily Mail, which relays the horrifying story of an old dude whose balls literally exploded when they contracted some rare African nutsack disease.
Loyal readers of our site will recall that for years, we have written about exploding nutsacks in a manner which suggested it would be sweet. Or more precisely, we theorized that exploding balls would be the side effect of achieving some sort of transcendent sweetness. However the scenario described in this article sounds like a fucking nightmare and has made me totally reconsider what it must be like to actually have your balls explode.
While on a trip to Tunisia, this unsuspecting old dude named David Worsley contracted a disease known as “African salmonella.” And somehow the infection was localized entirely in his dick and balls. On the way home from his exotic vacation, his balls started to swell. Over the next few days, they ballooned to ten times their normal size.
“After the holiday, my testicle had swollen to the size of a grapefruit and it was so heavy it was like it was made of glass,” explained Worsley, whose high school coincidentally elected him “Most Likely to Use Two Great Analogies to Describe His Balls in an Interview With the Daily Mail.”
David’s wife probably thought it was sweet and wanted to motorboat his huge new balls, but David’s doctor warned against it. “The doctor said I was highly contagious and that I wasn’t allowed to sleep with my wife.”
His left nut was particularly inflamed and causing him tremendous pain. And then it fucking exploded. “It literally went bang,” Worsley explained. “When the doctor saw it later she said that it was like a volcano exploding. But it was such a relief because the pain had been so bad.”
I don’t know about you, but I feel far wiser and more mature having read that article. And not just because I’ll be extra careful not to fuck a chicken if I’m ever in Africa. Beyond that, I feel woke to the painful realities that people with exploding nutsacks must deal with, and how our ignorant and hurtful our portrayal of their struggle has been over the years.