Daulton Gatto’s Stupid Bird Dies

In case you’re wondering why we haven’t posted any news updates about Mike Gatto, be assured it has nothing to do the fine assemblyman.  As always, he’s steadfastly shaping our future in Sacramento.

There have not been any updates because the authors of this site have been preoccupied with a monumental tragedy.  Unfortunately, news of Mike Gatto (as well as friendships and basic personal hygiene) have been neglected as we reassess our lives in the aftermath of the aforementioned tragedy.

Please say a prayer for Daulton Gatto’s stupid bird.  We’ll return soon.  Hopefully.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

We should all take some time to reflect on the special roles that mothers and all women play in our lives.  I would especially like to extend my gratitude to Daulton’s saintly mother, Betty Gatto (no relation to Mike Gatto) for all the love and patience she shows us daily.

Phil Jennerjahn: Not a Sweet Dude

Apparently, perennial political loser and overall douchenozzle Phil Jennerjahn was tipped off by a retard with no command of written English, Scott “Red Spot in My Panties” Johnson, that he had been added to our enemies list. Scott Johnson, you may recall, is a cohort of basement-dwelling tub of lard Mike Pigby, whose laughable blog is showcase evidence of his raging jealousy of everyone who has actually managed to win a vote into public office, and particularly of Mike Gatto.

Let’s pause for a moment to address the carefully concocted and obviously doctored footage from the video on Jennerjahn’s blog. Ignorant and easily manipulated viewers may be led by the video to believe that Mike Gatto has something to hide; the reality of the situation, and what Jennerjahn and his, erm, “journalist” Peter Musurlian don’t want you to know, is that Musurlian was bitch-slapped with a restraining order for unjustifiably aggressive behavior towards one of Gatto’s staffers.  It’s no surprise that he was not allowed to disrupt another public event with his shameless grandstanding.

Phil Jennerjahn: I would direct you to check out my armchair psychoanalysis of Mike Pigby, as much of it obviously applies to you and your perennial loserdom as well.

Peter Musurlian: go lick a big, hard dick like it’s a Popsicle in the middle of August.

And don’t piss me off any more. Bad things happen when I get angry.

(Daulton Gatto is no relation to Mike Gatto. That they share a surname is purely a coincidence.)

You Show Yours, and Mike Gatto Will Show His

In this stunning new photo out of Sacramento, Assembly Sergeant-At-Arms Ronald Pane is clearly impressed by Mike Gatto’s legislative prowess.

For more cool new pictures, check out Mike Gatto’s official site.

Fair Political Practices Commission: MIKE GATTO IS A SWEET DUDE!

The Fair Political Practices Commission, a political watchdog group,  happily exonerated Mike Gatto of any and all ethics charges stemming from accusations he violated financial disclosure rules during his historic 2010 campaign.

At issue was a petty and insignificant complaint that the Gatto campaign had wrongly identified an account used to send out mailers.  The commission rightly attributed any confusion to a simple mix-up.

In one of their finest moments, the Fair Political Practices Commission boasted they “found no evidence that the bank account violation was anything other than inadvertent, the committees refunded the entire amount used by the wrong account prior to any contact from the enforcement division, and both committees had sufficient funds to pay the costs of the mailers.”

“I take full responsibility,” Handsome Mike said to the gathered reporters. “I’m very pleased that there was no fine … but this serves as a lesson to everybody, myself included, that you have to be very careful with these rules because they are very complicated.”

He blamed the oversight on his young staffers, who were overwhelmed by the demands of running such a high-stakes campaign for the future of all California.

Mike Gatto vs. The Fast & The Furious

California’s most chiseled State Assemblyman took to the floor of the Capitol this week to demand the people of the 43rd District have greater control over the safety of their neighborhood streets.  Gatto wants to make sure that the people of Glendale are allowed to establish their own speed limits in neighborhoods where Sacramento’s traffic formulas have failed to meet community needs.

Mike Gatto couldn’t help but smile as he described Assembly Bill 529 as a “super tight” piece of legislation.  Of course, any piece of legislation would seem super tight if the legislator in question has the length and girth of Mike Gatto.

Glendale used to have greater flexibility in adapting speed limits based on government surveys of traffic patterns.  But in 2004,  Sacramento took more control of the process, and mandated that all communities round the results of their speed limits surveys up to the nearest multiple of five.

While that probably made Vin Deisel and Paul Walker very happy, some residents of Glendale were less “amped.”  They saw speed limits rise from 30 to 40 miles per hour.  And considering the customary speed cushion ticketing officers usually allow motorists, it means drivers may not be stopped unless they’re going 50 miles per hour.

Mike Gatto made all these points in a much more effective manner during his address.  Luckily, cameras were rolling.  Make sure and watch all the way to the end, when Mike can’t help but brag about the bill’s recent unanimous approval from the transportation committee.

Mike Gatto Kicks the Ass of Special Interest Groups in May 2011 “Los Feliz Ledger”

As if we needed any further reminders of why Mike Gatto is a sweet dude, the May 2011 edition of the Los Feliz Ledger features an editorial written by Mike “Super Sweet” Gatto himself, highlighting his recent authorship of Bill AB 65. This kick-ass bill would require the top five contributors to a ballot initiative in the state of California to be listed at the top of the ballot in the interests of educating voters and promoting informed decision-making.

“Ensuring that voters are well informed before heading to the ballot box is critically important to creating a rational system of governance in our state,” wrote Gatto in the Ledger article. “For example, just last year, out-of-state oil companies spent millions to place an initiative on the ballot in an attempt to overturn California’s clean-air laws. Environmentalists had to counter with millions of their own just to inform voters of this cynical attempt by out-of-state interests to purchase an exemption at the ballot box.”

Harsh words indeed, Mr. Sweetness.

The article was then continued on page 5, but when I tried to continue reading, I discovered that my wonderful mother, Betty Gatto (who is also no relation to Mike Gatto) had accidentally used the page to line the cage of my pet budgie Winkles! I attempted a rescue, only to find my beloved budgie had already soiled most of the rest of the article. Nevertheless, I do know that it concluded thus:

“…knowing this will help voters make informed decisions–and informed decisions are always best.”

Informed decisions are always best. Now that’s advice I wish I’d taken to heart the night I drank too much liquor and wandered off to look for prostitutes.

Live and learn. Live and learn.

(Daulton Gatto is no relation to Mike Gatto. That they share a surename is purely coincidental.)