Shit has been fucked

Sorry for the lack of quality updates lately. But my internet has been all fucked up. Or maybe it’s my computer. Who the fuck knows? I’m typing this update on my phone, which is fucking hard as shit to do, so I’ll be brief.

1. The film and tv tax credit bill passed!!!!! FUCKING SUPER SWEET!! Mike Gatto is the shit!!

2. The Mike Gatto play is very real. I just read the script. There’s a lot to like, but a lot that’s total fucking bullshit. I need to read it 27 more times before I’m ready to write my critique.

Here’s a picture of #FatAxl

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BREAKING NEWS: Daulton Gatto Is Fucking Pissed Off

I’m so disappointed by Mike Gatto’s no-show at the La Crescenta Public Library that I’m <thisfuckingclose> to officially petitioning Jarvis to change the name of this blog to “Mike Gatto May Not Be As Sweet A Dude As We Initially Surmised.” And I know it’s not necessary to use a frou-frou adjective like “surmised,” but I happen to like that word, so FUCK YOU.

It is only thanks to TV game show marathons and my uncanny ability to cling to desperate hope that I am able to give the King of Sweetness the benefit of the doubt here. I know that if I were Mike Gatto, I’d have been at the library having hot chicks rub their tits against me. (Aside: chicks in libraries generally give me boners regardless of the situation.) But then again, if I were Mike Gatto, I probably wouldn’t be the co-proprietor of a maddeningly obscure and befuddling fan blog.

In summary, YOU BETTER HAVE A GOOD FUCKING REASON FOR THIS, Mike Gatto…or else I will reveal the explosive secret I’ve been keeping since day one.

Hint:

(Daulton Gatto may actually be related to Mike Gatto after all. The truth is so scandalous that the Internet would literally explode if it were revealed.)

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NOT SWEET, DUDE: Mike Gatto Flakes on La Crescenta Valley Town Council

In what was described as a “major blow to sweetness,” stunningly sexy Assemblyman Mike Gatto flaked on his prior commitment to the La Crescenta Valley Town Council Meeting.  Members of the council explained that Gatto had been “held up in Sacramento,” and would not be able to make his much hyped appearance at the 7pm meeting in the La Crescenta Public Library’s community center, which was located “off the upper lot.”

The last minute announcement was especially crushing to members of GattoNation in attendance, many of whom had driven from the far corners of the 43rd District and otherwise had no interest whatsoever in a watching a boring-ass town council meeting.

“This really fucking sucks major dicks,” said Daniel Hajeck.  “I know Mike Gatto is an honorable dude of sweetness, so I’m sure he has an extremely valid reason for flaking on us… but I’m still really bummed because I took the last of my acid for this, and you can’t un-take acid.”

Gatto nation

Female Gattophiles seemed to take the news even harder.  “I was so excited to give him a hug and push my tits against his chest and get that man smell all over me,” Tabitha McElroy stated for the record.  Those sentiments was seconded by Jenn Logan, who surveyed the councilmen in attendance and concluded, “You can totally tell these other dudes have small dicks that aren’t the least bit sweet.”

Other Gatto-Maniacs joined them in leaving before the meeting officially started, as the presence of Cub Scouts and senior citizens suggested the most boring shit in the world was about to happen.  Many left notes for Mike, which the La Crescenta Valley Town Council promised to deliver to the absent Assemblyman.

letters to mike gatto

 

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Merced Sun-Star Calls For Death of Gatto Bill

In a stupid editorial that sucks dicks, some shit-rag called the Merced Sun-Star called for the Governor to kill three proposed bills from the State Legislature — one of which was authored by Mike Gatto.

The player haters at the Sun-Star oppose AB52 — also known as the Earnest Goes to Camp Bill — would prevent nefarious commercial real estate developers from scheming to steal land from helpless Native Americans.

The bill drew criticism just weeks ago when a group of “unrecognized” Native Americans descended upon the capitol to urge the bill be dropped or amended.  But they were idiots, and so are the idiots at the Merced Sun-Star.  Suck it, you sluts.

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Dan Walters / Sacremento Bee Smear Mike Gatto

Dan Walters, a gnarled old troll of a man, just published a hit piece attacking Mike Gatto, the heroically beautiful State Assembly Representative for the 43rd District.  Walters is all pissed off because Mike Gatto chairs the Appropriations Committee and has the responsibility of managing the process through which some bills are debated before going to a potential vote.

Walters, a notorious eater of fecal matter, objects the the very existence of the Appropriations Committee and pedantically explains its creation…  Legislators would write bills the state couldn’t afford, so they created a special committee to do a post-facto analysis of the budget for any available funds.  ‘Suspense Bills’ would then be considered for these remaining funds.  

Walters has his panties in a twist over this because he feels it’s just another committee in which bills can be killed off without necessitating a floor vote.  Yeah?  And what exactly is the problem with that?  Have you read some of these bills?  Plenty of them are stupid, costly and purely symbolic pieces of shit designed to pander to local voters and pad the resumes of upwardly mobile politicians.  Clearly, the real issue is that Dan Walters is a hideous mutant creature who is jealous of Mike Gatto’s good looks, successful career and hot wife.  He can suck my ass.

pNnI3.Em.4

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EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: “Alex L.”

8:56 a.m.  I agreed to meet “Alex L.” at a donut shop near MacArthur Park.  As instructed, I purchased two small coffees and two apple fritters and waited by the lone handicapped parking space.  It couldn’t have been more than a few seconds.  “Meet me at the boat house.”  I bequeathed one coffee and one fritter, and watched as he dashed through the crosswalk and disappeared into the park.

 “Alex L.” is an actor.  He contacted me last week, attempting to confirm the long swirling rumors of a play based on the life of Assemblyman Mike Gatto.  He insisted we meet in person, so as not to leave any electronic records of our conversation.  He insisted we meet in a crowded public place, as he seems to believe the play’s secretive producers may be keeping tabs on him.  I’ve brought with me a pad, a pen and five pre-approved questions.  I’d usually never agree to such rigid constraints, but I want the interview.   And I want to determine — once and for all — if “Alex L.” is full of shit.

alex l. mike gatto play

1.  How did you first learn about the play?

At the Silverlake library.  They’d posted a flier on the community bulletin board about their show, and how they were looking for a few actors.  They described it as a true-life political tragedy, and there was a picture of this really handsome dude who I later Googled and learned was Mike Gatto.

2.  What can you tell us about the author’s portrayal of Mike Gatto?

That’s a tricky question to answer because we didn’t get to read the entire play during the audition.  The producers are extremely guarded about the project.  I was only allowed to read isolated lines from heavily redacted pages.  But from what I can tell, Mike Gatto seems to be a pretty sweet dude.  I know that he goes on to become Mayor of Los Angeles, and everyone says he has a big, fat horse cock.  He’s cool and charming, but he has a temper and he doesn’t take shit off anybody.  Kinda like Sonny Corleone in the Godfather.  Oh yeah, it’s called “The Rise and Fall of Mike Gatto,” so there’s probably some scandalous ending to the whole thing.

3.  Which role will you be playing?

I haven’t actually been cast yet.  I took turns reading for a few different parts.  I read for Mike Gatto, which was fun because he has this great speech where he tells everyone to fuck off and suck his dick.  I also read a few scenes as the campaign manager, “Rudy Glasscock.”  It seems like a pretty juicy part too.  I have a call-back next week, so keep your fingers crossed!

4.  When will the play open?

One of the first questions they asked me was whether or not my schedule would be open in late September.  Producers usually ask you that at an audition to make sure you’ll be available around the time they’re considering for their film, TV show or theatrical production.  So yeah, I don’t know, I guess some time in late September.

5.  Are you fucking lying to me asshole?

I’m an asshole?  Fuck you, man!  I never even heard of Mike Gatto ’til I saw that stupid flier!  I thought I was doing you guys a favor by emailing you, but Jesus fucking Christ! Chill out! You got your interview, okay?  Stop fucking emailing me.

 

 

 

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Mike Gatto Honors the Bathroom at Moore’s

Check out this hidden Mike Gatto treasure one of our loyal readers spotted!  It’s another one of those awesome Certificates of Recognition Mike Gatto uses to honor various businesses, soldierschildren and religious cults throughout the city.

This one was spotted hanging over the toilet at Moore’s Delicatessen in Burbank!  Compared to many of the other COR’s we’ve seen, this one seems far more detailed.  Mike even goes so far as to single out the portraits of Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles and Spongebob Squarepants for praise!

Photocredit to @fartsvilleUSA

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