The Price Is Wrong

Loyal readers of our blog will recall that I have quite a hankering for classic game shows, but after my most recent debacle, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to watch another minute of unscripted daytime drama featuring fabulous prizes.

I’ve spent much of the past eight months locked in the basement of the home of my delightful mother, Betty Gatto (who, like me, would mutilate her own genitals to be related to Mike Gatto, but unfortunately is not). After my new bird, Harley, joined our family last spring, I decided to celebrate by watching the entire original run of The Price Is Right, from Bob Barker’s debut through his retirement.

What an epic undertaking.

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Unfortunately, it came at the expense of closely tracking the scintillating ascent of Mike Gatto’s brilliant political career. My absence tragically drove my blogging compatriot, Jarvis Mitchell, to a Dilaudid addiction from which he is only now beginning to emerge. Now that we’re back, you’ll have to forgive Jarvis if his first couple of posts are a little bit “out there.” Yours would be too if you were just casting off the shackles of a dangerous addiction to one of the world’s most potent opioid analgesics.

But I digress. As Bob Barker supervised showcase showdown after showcase showdown, the weeks blurred into months. My wonderful mother Betty had to take over caring for Harley, since I only emerged from my Price Is Right marathon when I had to take a shit or get more donuts.

Harley fell ill. To my great shame, I exploded in a fit of rage at my mother upon learning this devastating news. Even more tragically, Harley passed away exactly 23 days ago. At his burial, I summoned the balls to accept the blame and forgive my mother. If I hadn’t been so obsessed with Bob Barker, Harley wouldn’t have died, Jarvis wouldn’t be on painkillers, and we’d still be following the inspiring actions of Mike Gatto, Sheriff of Sacramento, Sweetest of the Sweet Dudes.

If I’ve learned anything from this, it’s that Mike Gatto is more important than Bob Barker. May I never forget that lesson.

And with this, the sweet dudes at Mike Gatto Is a Sweet Dude are back in business.

(Daulton Gatto is no relation to Mike Gatto. It is no more than a super sweet, though admittedly suspicious coincidence that they share a surname.)

 

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STOP THE PRESSES: Daulton Gatto Gets a New Bird

I am going to have to ask the Rt. Hon. Capt. Sweetness Mike Gatto himself to suck my dick for just a minute while I post this super sweet picture of MY NEW BIRD.

Blogosphere, meet Harley. Now, you probably hear the name Harley and think of super sweet motorcycles. Well, dumbass, Harley is actually Old English for “hare meadow.” So go fuck yourself.

My adorable new bird is pictured below. In conclusion, I would like to say, “America — FUCK YEAH. So lick my ass and suck on my balls.”

parrot_head

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Pasadena Sun Apologizes for Ron Kaye

The Pasadena Sun humbly issued an apology for publishing grossly incorrect bullshit about Mike Gatto, or Mr. 43 as he’s known ‘round these parts.  The publishers cited “several errors” in their hasty and disgraceful mea-culpa.

Of course, it should come as no surprise that the original hit-piece, ‘Wishing PACs Would Pack It In’ was written by Bukkake Ron Kaye, one of the most pathologically deranged of the Enemies of Gatto.  His exploits have been exposed on this site, time and time again.

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Ron typically bungled some obvious facts, such as the identities of various Gatto staffers he attempts to slander.  He also misrepresents the beloved Burbank Teachers Association, though it’s unclear if this was intentional or merely the product of Ron’s bumbling ineptitude.

Here’s a cold hard fact that our site will never have to retract:  Ron Kaye sucks dicks.  In fact, he’s been known to suck a multitude of goat and dog cocks simultaneously, alternating between his mouth, hands and anus as he struggles to satiate his beastly possessors.  Had I not agreed to Daulton’s temporary moratorium on crude cock drawings, there’d certainly be an accompanying illustration.

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Occupy Ventura Urges Pressure on Mike Gatto

If anyone gives a shit, the hilariously meaningless political movement known as ‘Occupy’ is urging its eight members to put pressure on Mike Gatto.  Why?  I don’t know, probably in relation to some bill he’ll consider in one of his committees.  To be honest, I didn’t bother reading the full article because it was dumb and predictably suggested I watch some crackerjack, piece-of-shit left-wing agit-prop documentary.  Booooooooring.

I must admit, I was amused to see that Occupy was alive and thriving in Ventura, at least in so far as they’re capable of stringing together a few shitty blog posts here and there.  I guess I’m still a little bitter about those sanctimonious assholes trying to convince me that some tents were going to succeed where a black dude as President couldn’t.

On a side note, can I just say how fucking tragic it is that a generation of documentary filmmakers grew up on Michael Moore instead of Frederick Wiseman, Robert Flaherty or even Errol Morris.  These days docs are nothing more than illustrated newspaper articles in which filmmakers use amateurish video editing techniques to prove whatever stupid opinion they had before they ever picked up a camera.  For fuck’s sake, I wish there were some documentary filmmakers today interested in listening instead of talking.

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Mike Gatto: LIVE at the Beverly HIlls Bar Association

Mike Gatto will be appearing live in person this Monday before the Beverly Hills Bar Association, as he leads a panel discussion on the Supreme Court’s recent Citizen’s United ruling, which opened the door for unlimited corporate donations from corporations to political candidates.

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The panel is being moderated by Kenneth D. Freundlich, an attorney who looks suspiciously like an early failed Mike Gatto prototype.  Not only will Handsome Mike be the strongest and best looking member of the panel, but he’ll also be the most successful.  The other panelists are mere educators at third-tier colleges of little distinction.  In this screenshot, you can clearly see that their names appear in smaller typeface and without the accompanying superlative “Honorable.”

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The event is free to the public and sponsored by the suspiciously named ‘Order of Distinguished Attorneys.”

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Mike Gatto’s Bill AB 349 Is Decidedly Sweet

Sacramento’s studliest assemblyman saw his super sweet bill AB 349 clear a significant hurdle today when the Assembly Education Committee ratified it in a unanimous 6-0 vote. Bill AB 349 would create a centralize reporting system to track child abusers working in California schools. Under Gatto’s proposed legislation, any school employee who resigns, gets fired, or reaches a settlement in a child abuse investigation involving a student would have their perverted name entered into a super sweet database. Then, if that person sought future employment at a different school, a background check would reveal that they like to touch little boys and they would be told to fuck right off.

Gatto created the bill in response to a 2012 report from the State Auditor’s office, which found that too many sick assholes were slipping through the cracks under the current system. “Even one instance of child abuse that could have been prevented is one too many,” Gatto wisely stated as a hot reporter chick fingered herself to a powerful orgasm. “The State Auditor’s report made it clear that we needed to take immediate and meaningful action.”

Taking immediate and meaningful action is what Mr. Sweetness does best. Good on you, Iron Mike.

 

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(I’d cut off my left testicle with a rusty razor blade to be related to Mike Gatto. Unfortunately, I am not. The fact that he and I share a surname is a coincidence of the highest order of sweetness.

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Mike Gatto Honors Los Feliz Ledger’s Student Reporter

Today the Los Feliz Ledger proudly reported that one of their ‘student reporters’ received a certificate for her hard work from none other than ‘BIG’ Mike Gatto, champion of the 43rd District.  Charlotte Gilmore, a 4th grader at Ivanhoe Elementary school was commended by Gatto for her regular reporting about whatever it is kids regularly report about.

The personalized certificate reads: “California Legislature Assembly Certificate of Recognition Presented to: Charlotte Gilmore. Ivanhoe Elementary School.  Congratulations on having your writing piece “Our New Principal and More News” published in the Los Feliz Ledger. Your hard work, determination, and efforts are truly commendable and will open many doors in your future.  I wish you many more years of academic success.”

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Clearly Gatto was impressed with young Charlotte’s writing piece, which was apparently about her new principal.  It’s unclear what ‘other news’ Charlotte teased in the headline of her now celebrated writing piece, but if it must have been pretty sweet if Mike Gatto took time out of his busy schedule of honoring the Armenian Genocide to honor her instead.

Incidentally, this writing piece represents yet another instance of me scooping Daulton on the day’s hot Mike Gatto news.  Who knows… maybe one day Mike Gatto will honor my writing piece too.

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