21 Animal Boners Ron Kaye Likes to Suck

Little known fact:  disgraced former journalist and Gattophobe Ron “Bukkake” Kaye earned his nickname by sucking lots of penises at the same time.  And not just any penises — animal penises!  Here are 21 big animal boners that Ron Kaye likes to suck.

21.  Dog Boners

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“Oh yeah, I wanna suck that dog boner!” Ron Kaye

20.  Rat Boners

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“More rat boner, please!” Ron Kaye

19.  Pig Boners

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“Mmmm pig boners… just like mom used to make!” Ron Kaye

18.  Bat Boners

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“Bat Boners are delicious. I love sucking them!” Ron Kaye

17.  Duck Boners

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“Force it down my throat, Donald!” Ron Kaye

16.  Walrus Boners

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“I want that Walrus jizz in my face!” Ron Kaye

15.  Donkey Boners

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“Ci, Amigo. I will suck that donkey boner.” Ron Kaye

14.  Opossum Boners

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“Two boners for the price of one!” Ron Kaye

13.  Killer Whale Boners

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“I want to swim in a tank of killer whale jizz!” Ron Kaye

12.  Aardvark Boners

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“Damn, I wish that aardvark was skull-fucking me!” Ron Kaye

11.  Platypus Boners

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“Know what I like to suck? Platypus boners.” Ron Kaye

10.  Small Primate Boners

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“Not so fast, mister! That jizz is mine!!” Ron Kaye

9.  Large Primate Boners

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“I am the owner of monkey boners!” Ron Kaye

8.  Elephant Boners

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“Hands off my elephant boner!” Ron Kaye

7.  Goat Boners

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“I wish these severed goat boners could jizz in my mouth!” Ron Kaye

6.  Capybara Boners

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“Capybara boners?! I’ll take 14!” Ron Kaye

5.  Koala Boners

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“Double the pleasure — double the spunk!” Ron Kaye

4.  Echidnae Boners

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“What the fuck is that? I want to suck it!” Ron Kaye

3.  Kangaroo Boners

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“Gross! More please!!” Ron Kaye

2.  Bigfoot Boners

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“I found evidence of Bigfoot… dripping from my chin!” Ron Kaye

1.  Horse Cock

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“Yes sir, Mr. Assemblyman. Whatever you say!” Ron Kaye

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Bukkake Ron Kaye Back For More Jizz

Ron Kaye emerged from his cave this week to spew more venom at Mike Gatto, the sweetest dude in town.  Apparently, he put down the animal boners long enough to type some incoherent, rambling diatribe that invokes Gatto’s name a few times.  It’s hard to make sense of Kaye’s increasingly disjointed, Granny Weatherall-esque prose.  But it’s easy to see why he got fired from lots of newspapers, and has been the subject of numerous apologies from embarrassed editors.

I’m not going to bother trying to read Ron’s latest hit piece again.  It didn’t make any fucking sense the first time, and I refuse to dignify his senile claptrap any further.  I will, however, use this as another opportunity to dust the jizz off my favorite picture of Ron Kaye, doing what he does best… draining the putrid jizz from animal boners.  All over his ugly face.

"Oh yeah, give me more animal boners to suck," said Ron Kaye at the sight of more animal boners.

“Oh yeah, give me more animal boners to suck,” said Ron Kaye at the sight of more animal boners.

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Mike Gatto Displays Muscular Chest at Animal Shelter

Goddamn, shit got sexy as fuck at the Burbank Animal Shelter.  Mike Gatto showed up in a fitted T-shirt that showed off his manly chest heavage and rippling biceps.  Mike dusted off his guns to support orphaned animals that could otherwise face extermination.

Thankfully, because of the efforts of Mike Gatto (and probably some other people, but mainly Mike Gatto), the Burbank shelter hasn’t been forced to euthanize an animal due to overcrowding in over a year — which really doesn’t seem that long to me, but whatever.  They seem pretty fucking excited.

And I was pretty fucking excited to see how snugly that shirt clung to Mike’s beefy frame.  It was impossible to pay attention to that other stupid asshole who spoke briefly.  Thankfully, he shut the fuck up and got out of Mike’s way again.

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Assemblyman Gatto, pictured on the set of The Outsiders

Then the kid from Jerry Maguire and Twin Peaks showed up, and Mike hoisted him atop the podium.  “Hello, I hope you have find the animals a loving home (sic),” he said in a cloying attempt at being cute.  “And welcome to this assembly,” he said while awkwardly patting Mike’s chest.

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Assemblyman Gatto demonstrates his signature finishing move, the “Mike Spike.”

Mike also divulged that despite his name, he’s actually more of a dog person.  That makes sense, as cat lovers are either manipulative liars, people with no friends or families, or both.  You can watch the whole video here:  

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Who Can Protect Us From the Grenco Sciences of the World?

I just got back from taking a shit, and I was thinking… who can we depend on to protect us from the Grenco Sciences of the world?  Nobody.  Not in today’s America.  Not with some states clinging stubbornly to regressive and destructive marijuana prohibition laws and a federal government that sees no difference between a dude with a joint and a dude slinging heroin.

Who can protect us from cheap, shitty Chinese plastic crap that breaks and hucksters like Grenco Science who sell that crap to people like me?  Uncle Sam.

Who can protect us from cheap, shitty Chinese plastic crap that breaks and hucksters like Grenco Science who sell that crap to people like me? Uncle Sam.

See, I used to live in Los Angeles, which was sweet for a lot of reasons and shitty for some other ones.  But the sweetest part about LA was that weed was almost but not quite legalized.  Weed was everywhere.  I once saw a dad smoking a bowl while he walked down the sidewalk with his kids.

But it got too big too quickly.  I read that at its peak, there were more weed shops in LA than Starbucks and MacDonald’s combined.  Even still, crime hadn’t swept the city.  People weren’t getting raped or machined gunned in the streets, and nobody’s kids were being abducted into cartels.

But then some grandstanding career politicians who hopscotch between municipal and state offices started using pot shops as a way to wring votes out of easily frighten-able old people who happen to vote in large numbers.  They implemented a series of ill-conceived, reactionary bills to try and restrict the weed shops’ free markets.

But there was no putting the genie back in the bottle.  Supply and demand were the same.   And despite the fear-mongering of asshole politicians, communities remained tolerant and accepting of their friendly neighborhood weed smokers — to the point where dads could freely smoke bowls in public with their kids.The only practical effect on the weed market was that a bunch of quality neighborhood shops that had been around for years were suddenly closed without warning.

But weed didn’t go away.  New shops would continually replace the ones that were closed, but they were infinitely shittier and shadier.  No reasonable, responsible business owner would invest in a weed shop with the knowledge that they could be shut down at any moment and have their assets seized.

The new generation of weed shops were run by Russian and Armenian gangsters who planned to grab as much cash as they could in the months before their inevitable closure.  They didn’t invest in their shops or their communities.  And they stocked terrible, shitty weed because they didn’t care about weed or the people who smoked it.  They’d sell anything that was green and came in a duffel bag.

This Micro G vape pen by Grenco Science fucking sucked.

This Micro G vape pen by Grenco Science fucking sucked.

And that’s the same fucking bullshit I’m having to deal with now that both my Micro G-pen marijuana wax concentrate vape pens by Grenco Science broke.  Basically, because weed is semi-legal at best, no real businesses or reputable venture capitalists are going to invest in the industry.  Because it’s legally questionable, it will attract the legally questionable… the grifters and the snake oil salesman and the fly-by-night con-artists like Grenco Science, who sold me two Mico G pens that both broke in days while my friend Jorge’s vape pen was the tits.  

Fuck that static.  That’s why weed needs to be legalized… so we can have some goddamn  motherfucking consumer protections.  It’s bullshit that scam artists like Grenco Sciences are allowed to victimize sweet dudes like me.  It’s bullshit that our government is complicit in that victimization.  It’s bullshit that I have no fucking recourse!  All I wanted to do was smoke a little weed at the Grand Canyon.  I’m not a fucking monster, goddamn it!

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Why I Was Especially Pissed That My Two Micro G Vape Pens By Grenco Science Broke

I realize it’s possible that I’m beating a dead horse here, but for aforementioned reasons, I can’t simply smoke some weed and get over it.  I can’t because I spent all my weed money on those two shitty Micro G marijuana concentrate vape pens by Grenco Science that fucking broke in a matter of days. I should have gotten a good vape pen like Jorge’s, which was most certainly not a Micro G vape pen by Grenco Science.  It actually worked.

I know I’ve explained the facts as to what happened to my Micro G vape pens by Grenco Science.  But what I haven’t explained are the emotional stakes.  Why should you care?  Why should anyone?

Because I didn’t buy that Micro G pen by Grenco Science randomly for no fucking reason.  And it’s not like I have a bunch of money to waste on stupid shit.  I bought that Micro G pen by Grenco Science as the result of careful planning and research.  I only wanted a stupid vape pen because I thought it would be discreet and safe.  This was me TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND MATURE!!!

They could refund my money, but they can never refund my memories

They could refund my money, but they can never refund my memories

See, my girlfriend and I were planning a cross-country drive and we were going to camp in many of the nation’s most awesome national parks — Joshua Tree, the Grand Canyon, Arches, and Mesa Verde.

Like countless other honest, decent, hard-working, tax-paying Americans I like to smoke weed.  And all I wanted to do was smoke a little weed and get blissfully, peacefully stoned while I hiked through those glorious landscapes and slept under those clear, starry skies.

It was a once in a lifetime opportunity for a lifelong weedsmoker.  But I never got that chance because both of the Micro G marijuana wax concentrate vape pens that I bought broke immediately.

Look, I still had a blast at the parks.  Those will remain some of my most treasured memories for the rest of my life.  But unfortunately, I’ll also remember how I couldn’t get baked because I foolishly spent my weed money on those two shitty Micro G vape pens from Grenco Science.

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Fuck Any Good Review of the Micro G Vape Pen by Grenco Science

Okay, by now I’ve made my feelings on the Micro G vape pen by Grenco Science abundantly clear.  It fucking sucks in every way possible, and meanwhile Jorge has an amazing vape pen that is fucking so sweet.

I’m used to being duped and fucked by companies, but not by other stoners.  That shit is against the unspoken code that every stoner bonded in oppression shares.  We’re there for each other.  The whole process of smoking weed is centered on the physical act of passing and accepting.  Of sharing.  Of community.

So obviously, I was blindsided that some greedy fuckfaces at the evil sounding Grenco Sciences Corporation would prey on helpless stoners, the most naive and trusting of nature’s creatures.  But I was especially pissed off about the whole situation because I tried to do my research.  I tried to be a goddamned good customer.  I went on Google and read reviews, and went on YouTube and watched video demonstrations.  People seemed to like their Micro G marijuana concentrate pens by Grenco Science.  Why the fuck did they like theirs while both of mine broke within the first two weeks?

This G Pen Micro vape pen by Grenco Sciences can go fuck itself.

This G Pen Micro vape pen by Grenco Sciences can go fuck itself.

Here’s my theory… They all seemed to do their reviews with a new Micro G vape pen by Grenco Science when it was fresh out of the box.  Maybe if they’d used the same Micro G vape pen by Grenco Science for a few weeks and then done their review, it would have been different.

I’ll bet it would have had more angry cussing and throwing shit.  Because that’s what happened when my cheap piece of shit Micro G pen by Grenco Science broke a few days after I bought it.  And I cussed and screamed and threw even more shit a few days later when my second shitty Micro G pen by Grenco Science broke too.

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Micro G-Pen by Grenco Science Fucking Pisses Me Off Because It Sucks Worse Than Other Vape Pens

I know I already went into pretty good detail about why the Micro G-Pen by Grenco Science fucking sucks and is a piece of shit that broke after a few days.  But I forgot to mention that right after I bought my Micro G-Pen by Grenco Science, my friend Jorge let me vape out of his vape pen, which also used marijuana wax concentrates.

It immediately pissed me the fuck off.  Why?  Because Jorge’s vape pen was fucking awesome and delivered massive tokes that got me seriously fucked up in the best way possible.

Meanwhile, my shitty ass Micro G-pen by Grenco Science was a fucking disgrace.  Seriously — a fucking disgrace.  I felt ashamed to offer it to anyone for a hit because they’d sit there sucking on this stinky cheap piece of Chinese plastic for a long time and then ask each other if it was working or not and conclude that it was maybe kind of working a little bit and then hand it back to me in a really patronizing way and say, “Yeah, thanks Jarvis.  Jorge, can I hit that?”

This Micro G vape pen made a fucking mockery of me.

This Micro G vape pen made a fucking mockery of me.

It made me feel like a fucking idiot.  I’d gone off and bought a stupid piece of shit vape pen that wasted all my wax and didn’t get anyone fucked up.  I felt like I’d been duped by their slick packaging and too-good-to-be-true offer of two wax vape pens for the price of one.

I was duped.  I was a sucker.  I got played — hard — by those scheming fat cats at Grenco Science who make shitty piece of shit vape pens like the Micro G-pen.  If it was possible for me to get stoned right now, I’d probably feel a lot better.  But as I already noted, I spent all my money on two worthless Micro G-pens from Grenco Science, and now I can’t get stoned.  I fucking hate them so much.

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