THOUGHTFUL ANALYSIS: Fuck Your Dumbass 40 Virgins

The Middle East is once again under threat from a group of Islamic Terrorists.  This time, they’re known as ISIS.  Or ISIL.  Or ISODWLTSJFAB, depending on who you ask.

So how’s this group any different from the others before them?  Well, not much.  These guys are ugly, need to take baths, and subscribe to a belief system that’s fucking retarded.  At the center of this belief system is the Prophet Muhammad promise of 40 virgins, only fuckable once they kill themselves in the name of Prophet Muhammad sky santa.

But why would anyone want fuck a virgin, much less 40 of them?  I was a virgin once, and I remember that it fucking sucked.  I also remember fucking virgins, and I remember that it fucking sucked as much as I sucked when I was a virgin.

That’s because virgins suck.  They’re nervous and clumsy and stupid and don’t know how to fuck or suck dick/eat pussy/toss salad because they’ve never fucking done it — unlike women in their 30’s, who are uninhibited and confident in what they want and have developed time-tested methods for making dicks shoot jizz all over their tits.

So why would dumbass Muslim terrorists want 40 virgins anyway?  Well, ’cause they’re  dumbasses for one.  But the answer to this question goes much deeper.  It’s probably because your average Muslim extremist is a loser virgin himself (if you don’t count fucking goats, dogs or livestock), and he’s nervous and clumsy and stupid and doesn’t know how to fuck, and would feel threatened by any woman who did.

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi needs to get laid.

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi needs to get laid.

Of course, the irony is if they’d stop being so ISIS and take baths and get haircuts and stop cutting chicks’ clits off, then maybe chicks would willfully and joyously suck their cocks.  So there’d be no need to invent this complex mythology wherein their inability to get poon in the mortal realm is justified by faith that they’ll get poon with interest at a later date.  Basically, their entire stupid religion is one big poontang pyramid scheme.

The fact that your average Muslim terrorist thinks sex will not only be present after his death but will define the boundaries of his spiritual existence speaks to just how badly that motherfucker needs to get laid on here on Earth.

But as I’ve stated before, I don’t want to get accused of being anti-Muslim.  In truth, I have contempt for all the world’s stupid religions.  And like the Islamic faith, I believe that in time, they too will be exposed for what they are:  an ancient justification for pervy old men to fuck children.

The Muslims think God will give them virgins.  The Mormons were basically Baptists who wanted to have a house full of child sex slaves.  L. Ron Hubbard supposedly kept a yacht parked in international waters for the purposes of going Catholic on little boys.  And Michael Jackson fucked Macaulay Culkin.

Pope Michael estimates the size of Mike Gatto's cock.

Pope Michael estimates the size of Mike Gatto’s cock.

Aside from the moral unacceptability of fucking kids, there’s also a glaring logical inconsistency with child rape as a basis for any theology:  those 40 virgins are no longer virgins the moment you fuck them.  Brigham Young’s house full of child sex slaves grew into a house full of nagging housewives with cankles.  And there’s no Home Alone 42:  His First Colonic for a multitude of very good reasons.

So knock it off, idiots.  Stop trying to fuck kids and space virgins while simultaneously taking the moral high ground with those of us who choose to have consensual sex with consenting adults while we’re still alive.

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Where For Art Thou, ISIS?

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.  The same is true for the stench of ISIS radicals who suck jizz from animal boners.  So why are there so many names for the Islamic State?  Because both sides are trying to gain ground in the public relations battle.  Rhetoric matters.

They want to be called The Islamic State, because it sounds fucking bad ass.  It sounds definitive and omnipotent.  It’s like when a band like Metallica releases a self-titled album halfway through their careers.  It’s a powerful statement… you thought you knew Metallica, but no… THIS is Metallica.

This CD fucking ruled.

This CD fucking ruled.

Some people like to call them ISIS, for the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria.  Except for the “state” part, that’s a pretty accurate statement.  ISIS isn’t a recognized state and has no functioning system of governance, but does occupy a portion of land in Iraq and Syria — most of which is sparsely populated desert wasteland that was relatively easy to take. ISIS doesn’t like the name ISIS, however, because it implies that they’re confined to that small region, which they are.

Still others prefer the name ISIL, which stands for the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant.  What the fuck is “the Levant?”  It’s a name British colonialists used to describe the region, and using a name that’s distinctly un-Islamic to describe their precious caliphate is a dig that’s certainly not lost on al-Baghdadi.  It’s a not-to-subtle reminder that they’ve been our bitch for centuries before, and will continue being our bitch for centuries more.

The esteemed authors  of this blog, however, would like to suggest a compromise name that all sides should find agreeable:  ISOFDWLTSJFAB, or The Islamic State of Dudes Who Like to Suck Jizz From Animal Boners.

This is an example of the kind of animal boners currently being sucked in the Islamic State.

This is an example of the kind of animal boners currently being sucked in the Islamic State.

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ISIS is a Paper Tiger

We were scared as fuck when al-Bagdadi and his militia of fellow jizz drinkers claimed a swath of land stretching from Syria through Iraq.  The haste with which their territory spread caught the world off-guard as they scrambled to find an appropriate reaction.  But in the months since ISIS’s initial onslaught, one thing has become abundantly clear:  ISIS is a paper tiger.

Sure, in those first few days, we were scared as fuck.  If that rate had continued, a hemisphere would be under their control by now.  But you know what?  It’s not.  And that’s because any region that could easily fall to ISIS has already fallen to ISIS.


Islamic State caliph Abu Bakr al-Bagdadi pretends his microphone is Mike Gatto’s cock and takes a facial.

Wait… you’re telling me a few predominately Sunni towns and a whole lot of desert in between fell to the hands of a Sunni group?  Big fucking surprise.  After decades of oppression under Shia rulers and their Western enablers, Sunnis were bound to rule themselves at some point.  And who’s going to take the reigns?  The guy with the biggest balls and the biggest guns, naturally.  So that’s what happened.

But you don’t see ISIS claiming any cities in Shia areas, do you?  No sir, they’ll hit a big fucking brick wall in Iran.  Ditto Saudi Arabia.  And skirmishes along the Turkish borders has already succeeded in uniting formerly rival Kurdish communities, and with supporting air-strikes, they’ve already started reclaiming land ISIS had grabbed.

And yeah, they cut a few peoples’ heads off.  That fucking sucks.  There’s no way to overstate the horror those people faced in their final moments.  But it was still just that… a few people.  Despite their PR bluster, they’ve managed to kill a pitifully insignificant number of Westerners.  The 9/11 hijackers used box-cutters to kill thousands and provoke a global conflict.  ISIS used YouTube to kill three people and inspire a few reluctant and isolated air-strikes.  What a bunch of fucking pussies.

So as bad as those initial few weeks of ISIS’s spread may have seemed, and despite how undeniably shitty it is to have your head cut off, it’s as important as ever for us to take a deep breath and remember that it’s never as bad as Wolf Blitzer makes it seem.

Stupid asshole Wolf Blitzer estimates the size of Mike Gatto's manhood.

Stupid asshole Wolf Blitzer estimates the size of Mike Gatto’s manhood.

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Mike Gatto vs. Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

It’s more than a question of responsible leadership in a time of crisis.  Our dogs’ penises are at stake.

Not sweet, dude.

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A Disclaimer About Our Respect for Islam

In light of our recent proclamation that ISIS sucks the jizz from animal boners, we want to take a moment to make sure our readers don’t think we’re unfairly maligning one of the world’s great religions.  In truth, we are maligning all of the world’s religions.  They’re all stupid and fucking retarded and so is anyone who believes in all that stupid, retarded bullshit.

I wish it was possible for all the Muslims and all the Christians and all the Jews to move to a continent of their own.  They could call it WarTopia, and they could kill each other all day to try and settle their age-old argument over whose favorite book is actually the best.  And the rest of the world can be left alone to peacefully spend our money on medicines and schools.

So fuck you, fuck your dumbass paternalistic Sky Santa, and fuck all those dumbass boring stories only a moron could be entertained by and only a goddamned brain-dead retard would kill for.

God estimates the size of Mike Gatto's cock.

God estimates the size of Mike Gatto’s cock.

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In Name of the Almighty Mike Gatto, We Declare Jihad on ISIS!

In response to the recent confrontations between ISIS and the rest of the civilized world, the sweet dudes at Mike Gatto is a Sweet Dude have decided to take a side.  In the name of the Almighty Mike Gatto, Sate Assembly Representative for California’s 43rd district, our esteemed site is declaring a jihad on ISIS, aka The Islamic State of Pig Fuckers.

But we’re not just pulling this shit out of our asses.  One, Daulton was born in Canada, and he was deeply disturbed by the recent violence in his motherland.  Two, in Mike Gatto’s zealous advocacy for oppressed Christian minorities in the Middle East, he’s forcefully condemned brutal, murderous Muslim regimes dating back to the Ottoman Empire.  He hates those fucking assholes and their stinky foreskins as much as hot chicks with big tits do.

In conclusion, Mike Gatto is a sweet dude.  ISIS are a bunch of pig fuckers.  And Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi can suck a severed goat’s penis.

Peter O'Toole's won on Oscar for his role in in the film classic "Gatto of Arabia"

Peter O’Toole’s estimates the size of his cock in the film classic “Gatto of Arabia”

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21 Animal Boners That Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi Likes to Suck

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is the self-appointed caliph of The Islamic State.  And like his stupid god, he is also a sucker of giant animal boners.  Here are 21 animal boners al-Baghdadi loves to suck.

21.  Dog Boners


“Oh yeah, I wanna suck that dog boner!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

20.  Rat Boners


“More rat boner, please!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

19.  Pig Boners


“Mmmm pig boners… just like mom used to make!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

18.  Bat Boners


“Bat Boners are delicious. I love sucking them!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

17.  Duck Boners


“Force it down my throat, Donald!”Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

16.  Walrus Boners


“I want that Walrus jizz in my face!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

15.  Donkey Boners


“Ci, Amigo. I will suck that donkey boner.” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

14.  Opossum Boners


“Two boners for the price of one!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

13.  Killer Whale Boners


“I want to swim in a tank of killer whale jizz!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

12.  Aardvark Boners


“Damn, I wish that aardvark was skull-fucking me!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

11.  Platypus Boners


“Know what I like to suck? Platypus boners.” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

10.  Small Primate Boners


“Not so fast, mister! That jizz is mine!!” Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi

9.  Large Primate Boners


“I am the owner of monkey boners!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

8.  Elephant Boners


“Hands off my elephant boner!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

7.  Goat Boners


“I wish these severed goat boners could jizz in my mouth!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

6.  Capybara Boners

cappybara penis

“Capybara boners?! I’ll take 14!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

5.  Koala Boners


“Double the pleasure — double the spunk!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

4.  Echidnae Boners

Echidnae penis

“What the fuck is that? I want to suck it!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

3.  Kangaroo Boners


“Gross! More please!!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

2.  Bigfoot Boners


“I found evidence of Bigfoot… dripping from my chin!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

1.  Horse Cock


“Yes sir, Mr. Assemblyman. Whatever you say!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

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