Mike Gatto vs. Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

It’s more than a question of responsible leadership in a time of crisis.  Our dogs’ penises are at stake.

Not sweet, dude.

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A Disclaimer About Our Respect for Islam

In light of our recent proclamation that ISIS sucks the jizz from animal boners, we want to take a moment to make sure our readers don’t think we’re unfairly maligning one of the world’s great religions.  In truth, we are maligning all of the world’s religions.  They’re all stupid and fucking retarded and so is anyone who believes in all that stupid, retarded bullshit.

I wish it was possible for all the Muslims and all the Christians and all the Jews to move to a continent of their own.  They could call it WarTopia, and they could kill each other all day to try and settle their age-old argument over whose favorite book is actually the best.  And the rest of the world can be left alone to peacefully spend our money on medicines and schools.

So fuck you, fuck your dumbass paternalistic Sky Santa, and fuck all those dumbass boring stories only a moron could be entertained by and only a goddamned brain-dead retard would kill for.

God estimates the size of Mike Gatto's cock.

God estimates the size of Mike Gatto’s cock.

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In Name of the Almighty Mike Gatto, We Declare Jihad on ISIS!

In response to the recent confrontations between ISIS and the rest of the civilized world, the sweet dudes at Mike Gatto is a Sweet Dude have decided to take a side.  In the name of the Almighty Mike Gatto, Sate Assembly Representative for California’s 43rd district, our esteemed site is declaring a jihad on ISIS, aka The Islamic State of Pig Fuckers.

But we’re not just pulling this shit out of our asses.  One, Daulton was born in Canada, and he was deeply disturbed by the recent violence in his motherland.  Two, in Mike Gatto’s zealous advocacy for oppressed Christian minorities in the Middle East, he’s forcefully condemned brutal, murderous Muslim regimes dating back to the Ottoman Empire.  He hates those fucking assholes and their stinky foreskins as much as hot chicks with big tits do.

In conclusion, Mike Gatto is a sweet dude.  ISIS are a bunch of pig fuckers.  And Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi can suck a severed goat’s penis.

Peter O'Toole's won on Oscar for his role in in the film classic "Gatto of Arabia"

Peter O’Toole’s estimates the size of his cock in the film classic “Gatto of Arabia”

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21 Animal Boners That Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi Likes to Suck

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is the self-appointed caliph of The Islamic State.  And like his stupid god, he is also a sucker of giant animal boners.  Here are 21 animal boners al-Baghdadi loves to suck.

21.  Dog Boners

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“Oh yeah, I wanna suck that dog boner!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

20.  Rat Boners

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“More rat boner, please!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

19.  Pig Boners

pig_penis2

“Mmmm pig boners… just like mom used to make!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

18.  Bat Boners

bat

“Bat Boners are delicious. I love sucking them!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

17.  Duck Boners

news.2009.duck_penis

“Force it down my throat, Donald!”Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

16.  Walrus Boners

walrus

“I want that Walrus jizz in my face!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

15.  Donkey Boners

donkey

“Ci, Amigo. I will suck that donkey boner.” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

14.  Opossum Boners

opossum-penis-300x274

“Two boners for the price of one!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

13.  Killer Whale Boners

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“I want to swim in a tank of killer whale jizz!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

12.  Aardvark Boners

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“Damn, I wish that aardvark was skull-fucking me!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

11.  Platypus Boners

platypus

“Know what I like to suck? Platypus boners.” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

10.  Small Primate Boners

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“Not so fast, mister! That jizz is mine!!” Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi

9.  Large Primate Boners

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“I am the owner of monkey boners!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

8.  Elephant Boners

To match feature ICELAND-PENISMUSEUM/

“Hands off my elephant boner!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

7.  Goat Boners

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“I wish these severed goat boners could jizz in my mouth!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

6.  Capybara Boners

cappybara penis

“Capybara boners?! I’ll take 14!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

5.  Koala Boners

koala

“Double the pleasure — double the spunk!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

4.  Echidnae Boners

Echidnae penis

“What the fuck is that? I want to suck it!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

3.  Kangaroo Boners

kangaroo

“Gross! More please!!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

2.  Bigfoot Boners

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“I found evidence of Bigfoot… dripping from my chin!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

1.  Horse Cock

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“Yes sir, Mr. Assemblyman. Whatever you say!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

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COMMENTARY: Islamic Militants Suck More Animal Boners Than Bukkake Ron Kaye

Every now and then, something happens that reminds me that there’s more to life than Mike Gatto, lemon meringue pie, pet parrots and game show marathons. The stupid bullshit that happened in Canada yesterday is one of them.

First, let me be clear about something. Canada fucking rules. It’s like America, only cleaner and safer with less crime and free healthcare. If you’ve never been there before, here are a few key facts:

  • Population: 35,160,000
  • Official languages: English, French
  • Government system: Constitutional monarchy
  • Legislature: Bicameral
  • Capital: Ottawa

In case you haven’t heard, some fuckface named Michael Zehaf-Bibeau murdered a soldier at the National War Memorial in Ottawa, then hijacked a car, drove to Parliament Hill and went inside with a rifle. Fortunately, the cops shot the animal cum-loving asshole dead before his misguided jihadist bullshit could claim any more innocent lives.

I might not be the biggest fan of Prime Minister Stephen Harper, but I’d be pretty fucking pissed off if an ISIS-inspired Islamic donkey fucker walked into Parliament and assassinated him. Fortunately, that dumbass is now in a celestial paradise fucking dozens of virgins who, for some reason I will never understand, still have tight, wet pussies even though their physical bodies have long since perished.

See, here’s the problem. If these jackass jihadists got their way, Canada would look like this:

  • Population: 257,000,000
  • Official language: Arabic
  • Government system: Theocracy
  • Legislature: There wouldn’t be one, because the Quran clearly defines the law and that medieval horseshit would pass for justice
  • Capital: Damascus, Baghdad or whatever other bomb-ridden shithole those assholes come from

I don’t know if Mike Gatto has had the chance to publicly comment on yesterday’s tragedy, but I’m pretty sure that as a sweet dude with a big dick who likes to fuck hot chicks, he’s pretty dead-set against this violent zealotry that masquerades as religion.

It’s time for the sweet dudes here at Mike Gatto Is a Sweet Dude to throw down. In keeping with that, here is a list of people who can suck my hairy, sweaty balls:

  • ISIS
  • Al-Qaeda
  • Homegrown terrorists
  • Anyone who wants to implement sharia law in Canada, the U.S., the U.K., or any other liberal Western democracy
  • Ron Kaye
  • Mike Higby
  • Ungrateful immigrants who leech off welfare systems and scorn the values of their adopted home countries
  • Chris Pitman
  • Rosie O’Donnell
  • Medieval, backwards fuckheads who propagate Islamic patriarchy and use religion as justification for beating their wives or murdering their daughters for wanting to fuck sweet Western dudes with big dicks
  • Anjem Choudary

Stay tuned — in a Mike Gatto Is a Sweet Dude exclusive, we’re soon to publish a never-before-seen image of the prophet Muhammad raping an 8-year-old! Exciting developments to be sure.

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21 Animal Boners Ron Kaye Likes to Suck

Little known fact:  disgraced former journalist and Gattophobe Ron “Bukkake” Kaye earned his nickname by sucking lots of penises at the same time.  And not just any penises — animal penises!  Here are 21 big animal boners that Ron Kaye likes to suck.

21.  Dog Boners

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“Oh yeah, I wanna suck that dog boner!” Ron Kaye

20.  Rat Boners

url-1

“More rat boner, please!” Ron Kaye

19.  Pig Boners

pig_penis2

“Mmmm pig boners… just like mom used to make!” Ron Kaye

18.  Bat Boners

bat

“Bat Boners are delicious. I love sucking them!” Ron Kaye

17.  Duck Boners

news.2009.duck_penis

“Force it down my throat, Donald!” Ron Kaye

16.  Walrus Boners

walrus

“I want that Walrus jizz in my face!” Ron Kaye

15.  Donkey Boners

donkey

“Ci, Amigo. I will suck that donkey boner.” Ron Kaye

14.  Opossum Boners

opossum-penis-300x274

“Two boners for the price of one!” Ron Kaye

13.  Killer Whale Boners

whale_penis2

“I want to swim in a tank of killer whale jizz!” Ron Kaye

12.  Aardvark Boners

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“Damn, I wish that aardvark was skull-fucking me!” Ron Kaye

11.  Platypus Boners

platypus

“Know what I like to suck? Platypus boners.” Ron Kaye

10.  Small Primate Boners

tumblr_m15i5ezcYU1qzy8r9

“Not so fast, mister! That jizz is mine!!” Ron Kaye

9.  Large Primate Boners

url

“I am the owner of monkey boners!” Ron Kaye

8.  Elephant Boners

To match feature ICELAND-PENISMUSEUM/

“Hands off my elephant boner!” Ron Kaye

7.  Goat Boners

1315853278-fat_city_penis

“I wish these severed goat boners could jizz in my mouth!” Ron Kaye

6.  Capybara Boners

cappybara penis

“Capybara boners?! I’ll take 14!” Ron Kaye

5.  Koala Boners

koala

“Double the pleasure — double the spunk!” Ron Kaye

4.  Echidnae Boners

Echidnae penis

“What the fuck is that? I want to suck it!” Ron Kaye

3.  Kangaroo Boners

kangaroo

“Gross! More please!!” Ron Kaye

2.  Bigfoot Boners

Atretochoana_Eiselti_penis_snake_1

“I found evidence of Bigfoot… dripping from my chin!” Ron Kaye

1.  Horse Cock

smiling-4

“Yes sir, Mr. Assemblyman. Whatever you say!” Ron Kaye

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Bukkake Ron Kaye Back For More Jizz

Ron Kaye emerged from his cave this week to spew more venom at Mike Gatto, the sweetest dude in town.  Apparently, he put down the animal boners long enough to type some incoherent, rambling diatribe that invokes Gatto’s name a few times.  It’s hard to make sense of Kaye’s increasingly disjointed, Granny Weatherall-esque prose.  But it’s easy to see why he got fired from lots of newspapers, and has been the subject of numerous apologies from embarrassed editors.

I’m not going to bother trying to read Ron’s latest hit piece again.  It didn’t make any fucking sense the first time, and I refuse to dignify his senile claptrap any further.  I will, however, use this as another opportunity to dust the jizz off my favorite picture of Ron Kaye, doing what he does best… draining the putrid jizz from animal boners.  All over his ugly face.

"Oh yeah, give me more animal boners to suck," said Ron Kaye at the sight of more animal boners.

“Oh yeah, give me more animal boners to suck,” said Ron Kaye at the sight of more animal boners.

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