Mike Gatto Honors an Old Man Who Died

Mike Gatto recently honored and old man who died by adjourning the State Assembly. Apparently, some people are easily honored.

So who was this dude? Well, his name was Louis Zamperini, and during hi life he accomplished many amazing things: WWII hero, prisoner of war, Olympic distance runner and inspirational speaker to name a few. Sadly, there was one thing Louis could not accomplishing: not dying.

“I got to know Louis Zamperini when we sat next to one another during a flight one evening,” said Gatto. “He was a very memorable guy, and humble and charming despite his incredible life story. His tales are burned in my mind.”

Supposedly, his life story will be made into a film by Angelina Jolie, though it’s uncertain if she will be playing the role of Zamperini.

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Mike Gatto: LIVE!!!!!

This July 24th… At 3 pm… State Assembly Representative Mike Gatto… Of the historic 43rd district… will make a headlining appearance at the Holy Family Catholic Church!

HOLYSHITFUCKJESUSCHRIST!!!! Mike will rock your granny’s world when he showcases his advice on how seniors can avoid scams. HOT DAMN THATS GOOD STUFF!!

To read about more community activities that don’t involve Mike Gatto and therefore aren’t as sweet, check out the Pasadena Independent’s community calendar.

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Mike Gatto Defends The GI Bill From For-Profit Colleges… Kinda

By now, everyone’s wise to the for-profit college scam… fake colleges, marketed to poor and desperate people who are promised a future beyond their dreams or means. Most students fail to find jobs, and are left holding the bill for thousands in fake education. And if they default, the money changers still make a profit.

The biggest victims in these scams are veterans and the taxpayers who fund their education through the GI Bill. Since 2009, $600 million of GI Bill money has been funneled into California schools too shitty to receive financial aid, while by some estimates, as little as 15 percent actually graduate. Naturally, the same poor saps who were gullible enough to trust George W. Bush on the war in Iraq are an easy group to scam.

Anyways, the state legislature recently took action to reign in these hucksters. One mandate of the comprehensive bill would force for-profits to disclose how many veterans actually graduate and how many default on their loans.

But then Iron Mike Gatto, champion of painful pragmatism, stepped in.After receiving a letter from Scott Govenar, lobbyist for the fictitiously named University of Phoenix, in which they argued such stats on vets would be “of little value,” Gatto agreed to strip the bill of this mandate. The compromise bill passed. So hoooo-ray.

This situation reminds me of another recent legislative flex by Gatto, in which he sided with Republicans to take a stern, fatherly stand against others drowning in student debt.

Sorry, suckers. Mike has spoken. Sometimes veterans have to take their bitter medicine too. Fool me once (war), shame on you… Fool me twice (college), shame on you.

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MIKE GATTO: Champion of Heroes USA

Mike Gatto recently honored one of the 43rd’s bravest when he named Col. Nancy Summers as Veteran of the Year.

Since enlisting in the National Guard 33 years ago, Summers has served in Desert Storm, Desert Shield as well as missions in Afghanistan, Belize, Saudi Arabia, Bosnia and Ukraine.

Wow!! That’s a whole lot of soldiering. You can see why Gatto honored her over her fellow troops, many of whom seem cowardly by comparison.

Summers can be seen displaying her certificate from Gatto, alongside her parter, Cathy Arkfeld. Mike Gatto allegedly abstained from the photo so as his superior good looks would not distract from the Colonel’s proud moment.

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Gatto’s Gatos

Awwwww… This is just too cute for words! Mike Gatto, the prince of tenderness, has lent his good name to help the orphaned animals of the Pasadena Humane Society.

In honor of Mike Gatto (and two other politicians (but mainly Mike Gatto)), they will be waiving adoption, vaccination and neutering charges for one day only.

And if the boundless love and devotion of an animal wasn’t enough, proud new pet parents will receive a FREE GIFT from Mike Gatto himself. What kind of gift? It’s a fucking surprise, dude. But if it’s coming from Mike Gatto, it’s probably nine inches long, three point five inches thick and PROUDLY CIRCUMCISED!!

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AB47: Don’t Hit It and Quit It

California State and Los Angeles City legislatures have united in support of Mike Gatto’s plan to create a state-wide alert system to notify authorities of hit and run drivers. AB47, authored by Mike Gatto, the William Shakespeare of the State Assembly, will soon be voted on and will likely become law soon thereafter, no thanks to people not named Mike Gatto.

And if that wasn’t sweet enough, Gatto also went on to pen AB1532, which would increase penalties for drivers who commit hit and run crimes.

Lest anyone dismiss these latest bills as legislature whoring by the assembly’s most prodigious self-promoter, remember that LA suffers nearly 100 fatal hit and run accidents a year. Damn. That fucking sucks.

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Mike Gatto vs Citizens United

Mike Gatto, crusader for sweetness, chalked up another victory today when AJ1 passed the state senate. If you don’t know what AJ1 is, then you’re an idiot. It’s a bill mike wrote that would use the power of state legislatures to pressure the national legislature into amending the Constitution to try and kill Citizens United, the Supreme Court decision that allowed for rich people and corporations to donate as much money as they want to a losing Republican candidate.

“Most Americans are fed up with the notion that money is speech,” Mike said. “I doubt our Founding Fathers had the free-speech rights of multi-national and foreign corporations in mind when they drafted the First Amendment. But the Founding Fathers did anticipate that every once in a while, the states would need to prod Congress to act to amend the Constitution. That’s what we are doing.”

Damn straight.

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