THE RISE AND FALL OF MIKE GATTO: Our PI Uncovers Shocking Evidence that the Play May Have Been Written by Two Hapless Stoners!

Well, I had to forgo filling my second prescription for burn cream, and Jarvis had to skip his monthly monster truck rally, but we managed to round up enough money to hire a PI to get to the bottom of this The Rise and Fall of Mike Gatto fiasco. Based on our dick’s preliminary investigation, a couple of interesting facts have surfaced.

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First, our PI cleared Mike “Mayor Sam” Higby, Peter Musurlian and Todd Royal of any possible involvement in the authorship of the play. The jury is still out on Bukkake Ron Kaye. Even a professional detective believes that the piece’s preoccupation with animal boners means Bukkake Ron cannot be ruled out as a suspect. Our PI also thinks Caryl Churchill could still be behind it, largely due to the play’s celestial ascent to the zenith of dramatic artistry.

More to the point, our detective uncovered shocking evidence that the play may in fact have been authored by two hapless stoners in a desert cabin in Joshua Tree, California sometime in March of this year. He submitted these photos as evidence:

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If anyone has any information on the activities of two highly stoned dudes who were known to be in the Joshua Tree area around that time, please, for the love of God, fucking email me at daulton.gatto@gmail.com RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.

In the meantime, I will swallow my pride and issue an official apology to Mike Higby, Peter Musurlian and Todd Royal for accusing them of any involvement. This investigation has made it clear that, somewhere out there, a couple of wackos are mounting an assault on everything we hold dear. While we will never officially sanction your opposition to the King of Sweetness, Mike Gatto or his policies, in this one sense, we must stand united against the perpetrators of this blasphemous act of slander.

The irony of the whole situation really makes me suspect Caryl Churchill, but for now, we’re going to continue investigating the hapless stoners angle. Either way, we know we will get to the bottom of this on Thursday, September 25 at the Echo Country Outpost, 1770 Glendale Blvd., at 8pm.

Stay tuned.

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More International Readers!

Since breaking the news of The Rise and Fall of Mike Gatto, the forthcoming dramaturgical epic based on the life of Assemblyman Gatto, our blog has experienced a surge in international readership.

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We also checked which search terms people had used to find our site, and it seems like Ron Kaye may have inadvertently stumbled upon us…

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Who Actually Wrote “The Rise and Fall of Mike Gatto”? Top 5 Suspects

The Rise and Fall of Mike Gatto has gone from being a ridiculous rumor to a shocking truth in the space of a couple of weeks. Since I’ve been laid up with yet another injury to my balls, I’ve had plenty of time to brood over this fucking stupid play.

The one question that just won’t go away: who could possibly be behind this pathetic excuse for dramaturgy? I’ve been obsessing over this the way Jimmy Stewart obsessed over Kim Novak in Vertigo. The only conclusion I’ve drawn is that there’s no way in hell a foxy Hitchcock blonde could be behind this fucking stupid play.

So who is?

Here are my top 5 suspects.

5. Mayor Sam/Mike Higby

Since this post is serious business, I’m going to lay off the fried chicken jokes for the time being.

Mike Higby may be many things, but even I will admit that he is not stupid. He looks stupid, but he is not stupid. As I’ve already noted in this blog, Higby — like everyone else not named Mike Gatto — is insanely jealous of Mike Gatto. When I read scenes that are about Mike Gatto being unable to get a boner, I can’t help but see Higby’s jealously taken to a whole new sick and shocking level.

4. Peter Musurlian

I know what you’re thinking: Peter Musurlian couldn’t possibly be behind this play. Several scenes make Musurlian look even stupider than he is in real life, and given his propensity for masturbatory levels of self-indulgence, why would he pen such preposterousness?

Because, dear reader, he’s trying to throw us off the trail. He’s trying but not succeeding. I’m watching you, Musurlian. I’m watching you, and those donkeys and cowboys with giant boners you’re keeping in your back yard. You can’t hide them from me.

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3. Bukkake Ron Kaye

Is it possible that Bukkake Ron stopped sucking and rubbing dog and goat cocks long enough to write a two-act play about Mike Gatto? Not only is it possible, but it’s probable.

The case against Bukkake Ron is compelling:

  • This play is filled with woeful factual inaccuracies.
  • Dogs and goats are capable of licking and sucking their own boners for a little while.
  • There are repeated references to dog and horse cocks throughout the play.

Of all the enemies of Mike Gatto, only Bukkake Ron has this level of preoccupation with animal boners.

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2. Caryl Churchill

Named “the world’s greatest living playwright” by multiple respondents to a Village Voice poll, Caryl Churchill emerged as a key suspect when I begrudgingly accepted that despite its vicious attacks on the King of Sweetness and its juvenile obsession with boners, The Rise and Fall of Mike Gatto is actually a densely layered, carefully crafted character study with its finger on the pulse of the age. It occasionally ascends to the level of genius, and would immediately rank among Churchill’s most brilliantly executed works of all time.

I can’t think of another living playwright capable of executing such a piercing and poignant portrayal of a man collapsing under the weight of his own ego, even if the erroneous target of the play’s searing criticism happens to be Mike “Big Boner” Gatto.

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1. Todd Royal

Todd Royal is the doomed Republican candidate whose pathetic flaccid penis will be further deflated in humiliating fashion in the next 43rd district election. The more I think about it, the more sense it makes that The Rise and Fall of Mike Gatto is most likely this failed actor’s effort to launch a smear campaign against the King of Big Dicks.

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Jarvis and I are in the process of pooling together some cash to hire a detective to get to the bottom of this very question. In the meantime, I invite all interested parties to submit their own guesses as to who might be behind this play in the comments section. And now, I’m off to apply soothing ointment to my charred  ballsac.

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The 10 Most Controversial Moments in the Mike Gatto Play

Last week we got our hands on a copy of the slanderous new play based on the life of our beloved State Assembly representative.  Foolishly titled ‘The Rise and Fall of Mike Gatto,” the play makes all manner of lewd and insidious accusations about Mike, the Glendale political scene, and even the esteemed authors of this blog.  Just how explosively controversial will this play be?  Here are your top ten moments…

 

10.  The Slandering of Daulton and Jarvis

Daulton and I were  pissed to learn that our likenesses had been co-opted by the playwrights and used as a part of some elaborate meta-mockery of everything Gatto.  But we went nuclear when we read fabricated bullshit scenes that would never fucking happen in real life.  Like this one:Screen shot 2014-09-12 at 3.30.45 PM

9.  Peter Musurlian Brings Mike Gatto Down

In one outrageous scene, Peter Musurlian is depicted as something more than a lowly wretched troll.  In fact, the authors depict him as having the means, brains and balls to bring Mike Gatto down…

Screen shot 2014-09-12 at 3.34.21 PM8.  Peter Musurlian Exposed  as a Pervert

And yet, at other times, Musurlian is rightfully depicted as a sick fuck who is preoccupied with all manner of beastly perversion…

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7.  Danielle Gatto:  Backstabbing Seeker of Turds

Nothing is off-limits for the demented authors of this disgraceful play.  Danielle Gatto, saintly wife, mother and former Miss Orange County, is depicted as a conniving backstabber who harbors a searing resentment of her husband’s political celebrity.  And for some reason, she spends her days looking for hidden fecal matter.

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6.  Daulton and I Are Fucking Morons!

Jesus Butt-Fucking Christ!!!  Daulton and I aren’t fucking morons.  We’re esteemed journalists and incisive political pundits.  So why do the authors of this play insist on making us talking like goddamn retards?!

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5.  Mike Gatto is a Fucking Moron!

In the wild imagination of this play’s authors, Mike Gatto is depicted as a half-wit political neophyte who is incapable of talking to the press without every word being scripted by his trusted adviser, Rudy Glasscock.

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4.  Mike Gatto Gamed the Armenian Community

Charges of vote-splitting have dogged Mike Gatto since his first primary run.  These accusations are depicted as fact in the play, and are used to characterize Gatto as a scheming, unscrupulous manipulator with contempt for both democracy and Armenians.Screen shot 2014-09-12 at 3.36.58 PM

3.  Mike Gatto Will Game Other Ethnic Voting Blocs

The play’s second act is set during Mike’s future run for the Mayor of LA and depicts Mike as once again engaging in cynical identity politics.  Worse still, the authors gleefully trot out all manner of ethnic stereotypes, including a prolonged assault on Armenians.

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2.  Mike Gatto Murders his Wife

The action of the climax involves Mike Gatto murdering his wife at the behest of his Machiavellian political adviser.  And if that wasn’t far-fetched enough, somehow Daulton’s disembodied voice narrates the action. Screen shot 2014-09-12 at 3.41.40 PM

1.  Mike Gatto Can’t Get His Dick Hard

In what is clearly the most outrageous, most shocking, most unacceptably slanderous scene in the entire play, Mike “Boner Owner” Gatto is depicted as suffering from erectile disfunction.  Okay, that’s where we draw the line…Screen shot 2014-09-12 at 3.35.40 PM

 

 

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5 Reasons “Alex L.” Is a Complete Poser who Is Unfit to Play the Role of Mike Gatto

I am so pissed off at “Alex L.,” whoever that poser may be, that my balls just literally burst into flames. Like I mean, they lit themselves on fire. It was some spontaneous human combustion-type shit. Now I’m going to have to go back to the doctor, show him my charred ballsac, and apply his bullshit ointment every night for the next 3 to 4 weeks. IMG_8936

But before I do, I thought I’d expose Alex L. for the fraud he is. Apparently, a pair of dumbass delusional psychopaths posing as Jarvis and I wrote some stupid play about the King of Sweetness himself, and Alex L. is going to be playing the part of Mike Gatto.

As information continues to leak in about this slanderous and embarrassingly unfunny attempt at political satire, I become increasingly convinced that Jarvis and I have the grounds for a defamation lawsuit. Word is this play of stupid bullshit will be performed at the Echo Country Outpost, 1770 Glendale Blvd., on Thursday, September 25 at 8pm.

Assuming my balls have healed by then, you can be sure that I will be there to personally kick Alex L.’s ass. I think it’s disgusting and shameful that we’re living in an age when a serious political journalism blog about Mike Gatto and cock isn’t safe from being openly mocked like this.

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Now, on to what is sure to be the most unflinchingly accurate “5-reasons list” in the observable universe: the top 5 reasons Alex L. is utterly unqualified to equate his name with Mike Gatto:

5. Alex L. can’t fuck a brachiosaurus. Unlike Mike Gatto, his dick is too small.

4. REO Speedwagon has never written a song about Alex L. However, the 80s hit “Can’t Fight this Feeling” has been confirmed by various sources to really be about the lead singer’s secret desire to deep-throat Mike Gatto. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, limpdick.

3. Carl Weathers has never congratulated Alex L. for a successful ballot initiative, whereas he was drooling over Mike Gatto’s dick just a few weeks ago. Fuck you, Alex L.

2. There’s no photograph of Pablo Picasso demonstrating just how massive a boner Alex L. really has. The world-renowned artist, however, did take a moment away from painting masterpieces and fucking hot chicks to show the world how big Mike Gatto’s cock is. I know that if I were Alex L., I’d be really pissed off that I didn’t have a dick anywhere near as big as Mike Gatto’s.

1. Judi Dench doesn’t fantasize about Alex L. possessing her ravenous sexuality before an armada of hungry photographers. If the same were true of Mike Gatto, then explain this photo of her trying to jack off her Oscar statue while thinking about Mike Gatto’s big dick.

Alex L., you are most decidedly NOT a sweet dude.

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Mike Gatto is a Sweet Dude Goes Global!!

I just checked the stats for our super sweet site, and it looks like we’re starting to attract readers from all around the globe!  It’s uncertain how much influx of international traffic can be attributed to Mike’s increasingly global policy initiatives.  For all we know, some horny Slovenian chick Googled “Giant Horse Cock” while diddling her skittle.  Either way, we’re happy to have ‘em here at Mike Gatto is a Sweet Dude, your one stop shop for all things Mike Gatto.Screen shot 2014-09-12 at 3.11.21 PM

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THE RISE AND FALL OF MIKE GATTO: An Update From the Trenches

There’s been a lot of blowback since we published our bombshell, tell-all article confirming the existence of an upcoming play about Assemblyman Mike Gatto.  We’ve heard from countless Gattophiles and Gattophobes alike, hoping to either score tickets or shut down the production.  The play’s producers have slapped us with a boilerplate Cease & Desist, which we promptly used to wipe our shitty asses.

But perhaps no one was more impassioned than our own Daulton Gatto (no relation to Mike Gatto), who has spent the last several days penning his own opinions on the play and its lead actor, the mysterious and vaguely antagonistic “Alex L.”  Look for that in the next couple of days, assuming his cable remains disconnected and he’s unable to waste all day watching the Game Show Network.

As previously reported, the play is set to debut Thursday, September 25th at a venue called The Echo Country Outpost.   According to Google, they’re located in Echo Park, at 177o Glendale Blvd.  In the coming weeks, we’ll continue to dig for more clues and hopefully score some interviews with other members of the cast and crew.  And of course, we plan to attend the play ourselves and live-blog every confrontational encounter.

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